So you have a friend that makes you feel insecure or funny in group situations?

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness. She probably focuses more time and attention chatting with others in a group setting BECAUSE she is closest to you and talks to you every day. I mean, she knows what’s going on in your life already, and vice versa. And you’re put out that she’s using time to catch up with others that she doesn’t talk to as often?

You’re a lot. You sound very needy and insecure.

[Anonymous]

I have friends that are all kind in group situations but one on one make me feel bad often. I think the sociopath comment is spot on. There are just people that in certain situations feel insecure and that insecurity sticks to you probably because they think you know a lot about them. I try to just put up with it and see them in groups a lot. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend I would consider a close friend. We talk daily and we have kids the same age. I’ve found anything wrong are in a group setting with several other moms, who I am friends with as well, I am always left with this sad feeling in the out of my stomach that she has excluded or snubbed me in some way. It’s all so weird because she’s nice and we are by all measures close friends and have gone out hundreds of times together and our family’s have traveled together on weekends but I have this feeling of her specially excluding me or treating me as less important even though it isn’t rational. It’s just a strange gut feeling. I’ve had a few other friends that know her mention they feel the same way in her presence. She’s a great person and I enjoy her but it’s just something I cannot pinpoint exactly. Anyone know what’s going on here? Sometimes trust your gut is the obvious but we have been friends for years and she has been a very good friend by all measures.

Have you evaluated your own actions that could be prompting her to behave a certain way? Or do you have a blind spot there?

[Anonymous]

OP, does she totally not acknowledge you and pretend not to know you in larger groups? Or is it that she spend a lot of time talking to other people she is not as close with? You haven't told us anything except this weird gut feeling that is not based on anything you can describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness. She probably focuses more time and attention chatting with others in a group setting BECAUSE she is closest to you and talks to you every day. I mean, she knows what’s going on in your life already, and vice versa. And you’re put out that she’s using time to catch up with others that she doesn’t talk to as often?

You’re a lot. You sound very needy and insecure.

Yes, I could definitely see this dynamic at play.

I think, OP, we need to know if your unease in groups comes from your friend (1) putting you down, cutting off/interrupting you, teasing you (passive aggressive), or (2) being inattentive, focusing on others, not eliciting your comments (socializing with others). Neither dynamic would be "in your head" or imagined, but I think they are pretty radically different in terms of your relationship, and the latter could just boil down to different socializing styles.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 friends who I think are bad good friends.

One friend is strangely competitive. I think she has to be the best in the room or she takes small jabs at people. She does this in front and behind their backs. She gets really competitive with her kids as well so I feel she makes everyone feel kind of bad but does it in a very subtle way.

Another friend is an amazing friend if you are sad. If something bad happens to you, she is supportive and a good friend. She doesn’t seem happy for others and finds a way to make you feel bad about your current happy state. She lives out of state so I haven’t seen her since Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 friends who I think are bad good friends.

One friend is strangely competitive. I think she has to be the best in the room or she takes small jabs at people. She does this in front and behind their backs. She gets really competitive with her kids as well so I feel she makes everyone feel kind of bad but does it in a very subtle way.

Another friend is an amazing friend if you are sad. If something bad happens to you, she is supportive and a good friend. She doesn’t seem happy for others and finds a way to make you feel bad about your current happy state. She lives out of state so I haven’t seen her since Covid.

So their issues are that one is competitive, and one wants people to be unhappy. Those are their issues. What is YOUR issue that makes you friends with “bad good friends” instead of relegating them to acquaintances? What is your issue that you spend your time and energy on people who you call friends but you don’t hold in high regard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 friends who I think are bad good friends.

One friend is strangely competitive. I think she has to be the best in the room or she takes small jabs at people. She does this in front and behind their backs. She gets really competitive with her kids as well so I feel she makes everyone feel kind of bad but does it in a very subtle way.

Another friend is an amazing friend if you are sad. If something bad happens to you, she is supportive and a good friend. She doesn’t seem happy for others and finds a way to make you feel bad about your current happy state. She lives out of state so I haven’t seen her since Covid.

So their issues are that one is competitive, and one wants people to be unhappy. Those are their issues. What is YOUR issue that makes you friends with “bad good friends” instead of relegating them to acquaintances? What is your issue that you spend your time and energy on people who you call friends but you don’t hold in high regard?

The first friend is in my main friend groups. I see her somewhat often. I tolerate her, think she is annoying but have a good time with others.

Second friend is an old friend. We moved to dc ten years ago. She was my bridesmaid. I used to see her every other year or so but we haven’t spoken since Covid. I still send her an Xmas card.

[Anonymous]

I have a group of girlfriends I’ve been friends with since elementary school! We’ve seen each other through marriage, having children, aging parents, divorce. health scares, etc. They lift me up and make me feel good no matter the situation. Because of this foundation, I expect the same from the few true friends I’ve made as an adult. I have little tolerance to spend my valuable time with friends who don’t make me happy or feel good about myself. And just like any other relationship, why would you expect or settle for less?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is insecure in group situations and acts differently than the 100’s of times you’ve been alone with her.

[Anonymous]

Op, it is not a particularly good idea to see this friend in a group setting. You do not need to analyze this to death. You are not unique. This friend is not unique. Your friend groups are not unique. Do what you can to maximize one-on-one with this friend. Enjoy that. In a group setting she will be, almost, another person and you can treat her as such. You will have to have boundaries. Call her out on put-downs or unkind slights. I don't think any heart-to-heart talks with her about this will change anything. You can try corrections in real time and see if that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it is not a particularly good idea to see this friend in a group setting. You do not need to analyze this to death. You are not unique. This friend is not unique. Your friend groups are not unique. Do what you can to maximize one-on-one with this friend. Enjoy that. In a group setting she will be, almost, another person and you can treat her as such. You will have to have boundaries. Call her out on put-downs or unkind slights. I don't think any heart-to-heart talks with her about this will change anything. You can try corrections in real time and see if that works.

Someone seriously needs to explain why anyone would want or need a friendship like this? Seriously. Didn’t the pandemic teach you anything? Life is too short. Why waste your time on people like this? Where is your self esteem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a group of girlfriends I’ve been friends with since elementary school! We’ve seen each other through marriage, having children, aging parents, divorce. health scares, etc. They lift me up and make me feel good no matter the situation. Because of this foundation, I expect the same from the few true friends I’ve made as an adult. I have little tolerance to spend my valuable time with friends who don’t make me happy or feel good about myself. And just like any other relationship, why would you expect or settle for less?

+1

Yes! This, OP!