So you have a friend that makes you feel insecure or funny in group situations?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend I would consider a close friend. We talk daily and we have kids the same age. I’ve found anything wrong are in a group setting with several other moms, who I am friends with as well, I am always left with this sad feeling in the out of my stomach that she has excluded or snubbed me in some way. It’s all so weird because she’s nice and we are by all measures close friends and have gone out hundreds of times together and our family’s have traveled together on weekends but I have this feeling of her specially excluding me or treating me as less important even though it isn’t rational. It’s just a strange gut feeling. I’ve had a few other friends that know her mention they feel the same way in her presence. She’s a great person and I enjoy her but it’s just something I cannot pinpoint exactly. Anyone know what’s going on here? Sometimes trust your gut is the obvious but we have been friends for years and she has been a very good friend by all measures.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense whatsoever.

As best I can translate:
I have this really great friend who’s a great person and sometimes I imagine I’m being snubbed by her but I have no examples because it’s all in my head.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example? Gut feelings don’t help us.

[Anonymous]

Have you generally felt this way around certain people in your life? Have you been hurt by a partner/family member etc that would generally make you not trust people? If that's the case, find a way to work through it.

If she's truly not trustworthy, take a break and see how you feel. I had a BEST friend in HS and then we went through some on and off phases together. I always felt insecure around her. She gossiped about others and it made me feel like she was gossiping about me too. She's fun and funny and we have a lot in common, but eventually I distanced myself and am much happier. It's not worth your time to be friends with people if you're not sure they're true friends, whether it's in your head or their actions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like whatever is happening, it isn't just you, if others that know her mentioned it as well. If she is otherwise a good friend, I would let this one thing go, but I would attend larger group events with her only if I knew several other people there that I wanted to socialize with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense whatsoever.

As best I can translate:
I have this really great friend who’s a great person and sometimes I imagine I’m being snubbed by her but I have no examples because it’s all in my head.

Or I have a really insecure friend. Alone we are great together, but in front of others she finds passive aggressive way to put me down trying to be funny or cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense whatsoever.

As best I can translate:
I have this really great friend who’s a great person and sometimes I imagine I’m being snubbed by her but I have no examples because it’s all in my head.

Or I have a really insecure friend. Alone we are great together, but in front of others she finds passive aggressive way to put me down trying to be funny or cool.

Ding ding ding!!! I have had these "friends."

[Anonymous]

I’ve had these “friends”. Sooner or later they showed themselves to be bad friends tête-à-tête as well

[Anonymous]

You are more insecure than your friend by putting up with it

[Anonymous]

Not a good friend, but a guy I dated for a while. He was fine with me one on one, but would act more distant when we hung out with his friends who were all a bit snobbish. So there's definitely insecurity there.

I can't fathom a good friend acting this way among a group that's known each other well. Can you give an example?

[Anonymous]

I think I know what you mean.

I am thinking of one friend I had for a long time who was like this. She was not socially successful in high school but managed to become more of a "popular" type in high school and beyond. Inside I think she was still insecure and gossiped quite a bit. I was her friend in high school and beyond.

I felt that way in groups around her. First, I think because I had been one of the nerds in high school with her, she didn't value me as much as her more "popular" type friends. I think maybe she was worried I wouldn't be cool enough in groups (I am perfectly socially ept but not super fashionable etc). I think she also took me for granted because we were such long standing friends, she prioritized her "cooler" friends when we were all out. I think I kind of was this reminder that she wasn't always cool. Something about being around her in a group left me feeling awkward even though I don't think I outwardly was.

Now, this could also be issues you have within you. Like, my older siblings were critical and exclusive towards me. So it was probably a mix of my own issues and my friend's behavior leading to my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I know what you mean.

I am thinking of one friend I had for a long time who was like this. She was not socially successful in high school but managed to become more of a "popular" type in high school and beyond. Inside I think she was still insecure and gossiped quite a bit. I was her friend in high school and beyond.

I felt that way in groups around her. First, I think because I had been one of the nerds in high school with her, she didn't value me as much as her more "popular" type friends. I think maybe she was worried I wouldn't be cool enough in groups (I am perfectly socially ept but not super fashionable etc). I think she also took me for granted because we were such long standing friends, she prioritized her "cooler" friends when we were all out. I think I kind of was this reminder that she wasn't always cool. Something about being around her in a group left me feeling awkward even though I don't think I outwardly was.

Now, this could also be issues you have within you. Like, my older siblings were critical and exclusive towards me. So it was probably a mix of my own issues and my friend's behavior leading to my feelings.

typo - she managed to be more of a popular type in college, not high school.

[Anonymous]

I have friends -- a couple -- and I consider them good friends because we have been friends for a long time and have actually been there for each other a lot over the years, but I usually feel bad after being around them even though at the time everything went well. I think they are sociopaths.

I still value them as people, though -- I just had to acknowledge that there was something wrong there, but the good outweighs the bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I know what you mean.

I am thinking of one friend I had for a long time who was like this. She was not socially successful in high school but managed to become more of a "popular" type in high school and beyond. Inside I think she was still insecure and gossiped quite a bit. I was her friend in high school and beyond.

I felt that way in groups around her. First, I think because I had been one of the nerds in high school with her, she didn't value me as much as her more "popular" type friends. I think maybe she was worried I wouldn't be cool enough in groups (I am perfectly socially ept but not super fashionable etc). I think she also took me for granted because we were such long standing friends, she prioritized her "cooler" friends when we were all out. I think I kind of was this reminder that she wasn't always cool. Something about being around her in a group left me feeling awkward even though I don't think I outwardly was.

Now, this could also be issues you have within you. Like, my older siblings were critical and exclusive towards me. So it was probably a mix of my own issues and my friend's behavior leading to my feelings.

I think you nailed it, combination of this and that my parents and siblings were really critical and harsh about me so my neutral just tends to assume friends don’t like me.

[Anonymous]

My best friend and I talk most days but whenever there is a group thing we hardly interact. I know what's going on with her and she with me, we're jazzed to talk to the other people we don't talk with as often.