Reply to Kids still pretty emotionally dependent

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[quote=Anonymous]I think it's great that they view you as a form of emotional support. I would not say they are emotionally "dependent" on you unless they struggle to deal with day-to-day life without your import and support. Like if every bad day requires you to spend an hour on the phone helping them through it, I'd call that emotional dependence. But if they just like talking to you, enjoy your company, and want to see you often, that actually sounds wonderful.

I think what you are actually looking for is adult boundaries, not necessarily independence (I think they are fairly independent).

While your kids are not exactly your friends, as adults they can be more like friends than they were as children. As in, you can treat them as fellow adults you love and enjoy spending time with, and will even help and support when they need it, but not as people who are 100% your responsibility all the time.

For instance, I have friends who, if I travelled for a month in the summer, would be disappointed, because that's a time when we are more likely to socialize. But I would not change my travel plans for them if it's something I really wanted to do! I'd tell them that I loved them too and would miss them, but this was a trip I really wanted to take. I'd suggest doing something special together before or after. And then I'd expect them to respect my choice.

I'd use a similar approach with your daughters. Be there for them, support them, love them, but when you need something for yourself, whether it's to skip one of multiple parents' weekends so you can attend a dear friend's birthday party, or to go on a solo trip in the summer to cross something off your bucket list, tell them. If they get upset, explain to them that this is part of having a healthy relationship with one another as adults. You are still there for them, but they are adults -- your obligations to them are different than they were when they were minors, and you also have an obligation to yourself and your own happiness. You no doubt gave up a lot of that when you were raising them on your own, but it is time for you to take it back.

They may be upset at first, but they love you -- once they see that you claiming more of your time and energy for yourself is good for you, they will ultimately be happy for you. And they will find out that when you get what you need for yourself, you are actually more present and have more to offer them.[/quote]

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