Asking for loan repayment in a productive (and hopefully peaceful) way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to slowly borrow it back. If it’s an ego thing and he can’t acknowledge he borrowed it, maybe you can appeal to the part of him that wants to be powerful and in control — he may “lend” you part of the balance.

This.

So sorry OP. I lent money to a work friend once. I had to scream at her to give it back to me before I quit. I knew I would never see it after I left the job. I got lucky and she borrowed about three quarters of it from another coworker and gave me. I cut my losses on the rest. It was about 3k so I got over 2k back.

I never lend anyone money unless I am 100% ok with losing it. I tell them I am lending but it's really a gift. If they pay back, then its a surprise gift for me.

[Anonymous]

If you have written proof of the loan, file a claim in small claims court it's cheap and you loose nothing. The relationship has ended; you need to do it when he moves out to be safe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try to slowly borrow it back. If it’s an ego thing and he can’t acknowledge he borrowed it, maybe you can appeal to the part of him that wants to be powerful and in control — he may “lend” you part of the balance.

This.

So sorry OP. I lent money to a work friend once. I had to scream at her to give it back to me before I quit. I knew I would never see it after I left the job. I got lucky and she borrowed about three quarters of it from another coworker and gave me. I cut my losses on the rest. It was about 3k so I got over 2k back.

I never lend anyone money unless I am 100% ok with losing it. I tell them I am lending but it's really a gift. If they pay back, then its a surprise gift for me.

This is exactly how I feel. If you lend someone some money, assume you will never see it again. If you can't afford to do that, then don't lend them the money. Cut your losses and exit ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don't loan money to friends, family, or romantic partners.

I know. And my gut said not to, but I ignored it. It’s an expensive lesson, but it’s not going to break me. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have anything in writing about the loan? Even texts or emails? If you do, dump him and take him to small claims court.

I might. I definitely have receipts for things that make no logical sense I would purchase for myself (appliances installed at his house, spring break expenses for his child, etc). But he could argue these were gifts, I guess.

I think PP is right: write it off, and move on with my life.

It wasn't even for an emergency, like getting evicted or electricity being shut off or a car breaking down? He borrowed money to take HIS kid on spring break?

Tell him you're going to talk to his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have anything in writing about the loan? Even texts or emails? If you do, dump him and take him to small claims court.

I might. I definitely have receipts for things that make no logical sense I would purchase for myself (appliances installed at his house, spring break expenses for his child, etc). But he could argue these were gifts, I guess.

I think PP is right: write it off, and move on with my life.

It wasn't even for an emergency, like getting evicted or electricity being shut off or a car breaking down? He borrowed money to take HIS kid on spring break?

Tell him you're going to talk to his ex.

Needing to borrow money to get new appliances and pay for his kid's spring break is a red flag tbh. This guy is either broke or doesn't know how to manage his money and either way you don't want to be more deeply involved with his problems.

No wonder he doesn't want to pay it back and gets mad when you ask him - his finances are so precarious he probably can't pay it back. Which is sad, but ultimately you don't want that to be your problem as well as his.

[Anonymous]

The repayment plan should have been worked out before the loan was given. Of course, if he is that defensive, and is trying to make YOU feel bad for asking, he is trash.

So yeah, DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

If you said, "Hey, since I bought you that washing machine, can you put my new tv/exercise bike/whatever big purchase you have coming up on your credit card and we call it even?" I feel like you'll have a better chance of him buying you something with his CC than of him coming up with cash.

But yeah, it's probably a lost cause and something you should write-off. That goes for the loan AND the relationship, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have anything in writing about the loan? Even texts or emails? If you do, dump him and take him to small claims court.

I might. I definitely have receipts for things that make no logical sense I would purchase for myself (appliances installed at his house, spring break expenses for his child, etc). But he could argue these were gifts, I guess.

I think PP is right: write it off, and move on with my life.

It wasn't even for an emergency, like getting evicted or electricity being shut off or a car breaking down? He borrowed money to take HIS kid on spring break?

Tell him you're going to talk to his ex.

I don't think he ex is going to care. She'll probably be sympathetic, but she already learned this lesson years ago, and he's not her problem anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you said, "Hey, since I bought you that washing machine, can you put my new tv/exercise bike/whatever big purchase you have coming up on your credit card and we call it even?" I feel like you'll have a better chance of him buying you something with his CC than of him coming up with cash.

But yeah, it's probably a lost cause and something you should write-off. That goes for the loan AND the relationship, BTW.

I don't really have any big purchases coming up, except a down payment on a house (now that it's clear I don't want a future with him), and I don't want to give him any claim to my home. That's what I would use the repayment $ for--part of my down payment/closing costs.

Otherwise, I live pretty modestly. And I really want as few ties to him as possible, so I don't want to have a vacation, or a recent purchase hanging over my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The repayment plan should have been worked out before the loan was given. Of course, if he is that defensive, and is trying to make YOU feel bad for asking, he is trash.

So yeah, DTMFA.

It was--his ex was going to pay for half of spring break, and he was going to give me that money. She paid him, and he pocketed it.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a chronic mooch, OP —be glad to be rid of him. Does he have anything of value at your house? Maybe you could hold it as collateral until you get your money back, but not sure of the legalities of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a chronic mooch, OP —be glad to be rid of him. Does he have anything of value at your house? Maybe you could hold it as collateral until you get your money back, but not sure of the legalities of that.

I don’t think I have anything of value of his, and I really don’t want to play games. I just need to wrap my head around the loss and find time to have the talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don't loan money to friends, family, or romantic partners.

As someone who has loaned many friends and family money over the last 30 years, I use a different rule.

Never loan money to ANYONE that you need to get back. You should only loan money that you are willing to gift the person. From experience, only about 1/3 of people, even the ones who swear that they take such loans seriously and fully intend to pay such loans back, will actually pay you back. You only loan money when you really want to help someone out and you don't need that money to be returned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The repayment plan should have been worked out before the loan was given. Of course, if he is that defensive, and is trying to make YOU feel bad for asking, he is trash.

So yeah, DTMFA.

It was--his ex was going to pay for half of spring break, and he was going to give me that money. She paid him, and he pocketed it.

Exactly why you should have dumped him 2 months ago.

I'm sorry. But you deserve better!