Judgy MIL

[Anonymous]

DIL of 25 years. My adult DD is barely speaking to her grandmother/my MIL because DD was tired of the mean, passive aggressive comments and unsolicited advice and comments from her.

Last straw was when MIL commented that DD had gained weight…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to make amends with someone who spoke disrespectfully about your own child? What kind of self esteem problems do you have to even entertain this?

She treats her own kids poorly too.
But she’s the grandmother of my kids, I do find it all confusing
My preference is not to have anything to do with her

What's the point of saying that she's the grandmother of the kids if she is a mean grandma to the kids? Why do you want that for your daughter?

I guess because she’s family and I wish the situation was better
I’d like my kids to have the grand parents they deserve

Ok, but that’s wishful thinking. The situation is what it is. You have given us no reason to think it will change.

+1 and why would you tolerate behavior in 'family' that you wouldn't tolerate in a friend or stranger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to make amends with someone who spoke disrespectfully about your own child? What kind of self esteem problems do you have to even entertain this?

This. Why do you think you need to make an effort with someone who disrespects you and your child? Family is not an excuse for toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave it. You tried. She never stopped being cruel.

This. My MIL is a handful, and she's rarely downright cruel. I let my DH take the lead completely with her. I do not feel guilty at ALL. Could I do more? Yes. Could she? ALSO YES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave it. You tried. She never stopped being cruel.

This. My MIL is a handful, and she's rarely downright cruel. I let my DH take the lead completely with her. I do not feel guilty at ALL. Could I do more? Yes. Could she? ALSO YES.

My mother in law has always been passive aggressive and now that she has dementia I can sit back and ignore her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave it. You tried. She never stopped being cruel.

+1

Same here. OP, you can not possibly change this woman's mind that someone wronged her (probably FIL), along the way. Drop the rope, it is SO not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave the relationship management to your husband, it is not worth the trouble.

+1

My MIL is super high maintenance, but you would never know it by seeing her. It is her way or the highway, probably because that is how her husband was for their short marriage. She has been widowed longer than she was married, and the idea of remarrying was completely off the table, because then she would lose all her benefits. Besides, she doesn't value the partnership idea, since it was such a disaster the first time around. She has become more and more bitter, angry, and petulant with each passing year - judgy is just the beginning of it, OP.

If they think you are not "like" them (whatever that means), they are going to give you a hard time. Let your DH deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the relationship management to your husband, it is not worth the trouble.

+1

My MIL is super high maintenance, but you would never know it by seeing her. It is her way or the highway, probably because that is how her husband was for their short marriage. She has been widowed longer than she was married, and the idea of remarrying was completely off the table, because then she would lose all her benefits. Besides, she doesn't value the partnership idea, since it was such a disaster the first time around. She has become more and more bitter, angry, and petulant with each passing year - judgy is just the beginning of it, OP.

If they think you are not "like" them (whatever that means), they are going to give you a hard time. Let your DH deal with them.

Wow, PP you seem to think you have a front-row seat to something you know very little about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to make amends with someone who spoke disrespectfully about your own child? What kind of self esteem problems do you have to even entertain this?

She treats her own kids poorly too.
But she’s the grandmother of my kids, I do find it all confusing
My preference is not to have anything to do with her

What's the point of saying that she's the grandmother of the kids if she is a mean grandma to the kids? Why do you want that for your daughter?

I guess because she’s family and I wish the situation was better
I’d like my kids to have the grand parents they deserve

I can empathize. I’m in a similar situation and had to come to terms with not getting the mother I deserve and my kids not getting the grandparents they deserve either. It isn’t easy yet it’s possible to get used to it after a while.

The advice here to let DH communicate is good.

My sibling lies about me to others. Sometimes, people believe it. We don’t have many people in common for this reason—as in zero shared friends. I never invite them to parties with other people, and I tell them very little about my life. I talk about gardening and other boring topics.

With people who are cruel or not right in the head, there isn’t much to do other than avoid them.

DH has a difficult aunt. After her nonsense, I said I won’t go visit her. If she comes to family events, I’ll talk to her but I don’t want to be stuck waiting an hour for her to show up or have her pretend to get lost in her tiny town and direct us 45 min out of our way so we are late to dinner with the SIL she doesn’t like. No thanks.

I don’t know if this will work for you but I am direct with my mother. I said she could expect to see no more of me if she screamed at me. If she started screaming, I left every time. Eventually, she stopped.