Emotionally immature grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. My mom is very emotionally immature. She gets upset for any perceived slight from me or from DC. She got upset when DC was 3 and cried and didn't want to be held by my mom and still brings it up to this day years later. She'll cry or tantrum at DC's events when she feels she's not getting enough attention, either by me or DC. It's bizarre and uncomfortable, so I drastically limit how much time we (and especially DC) spend around her. Unfortunately, that triggers her and seems to exacerbate the issue (again, a perceived lack of attention) so it's this really dysfunctional, upsetting cycle. I'm not sure what the answer is. Alas, this is part of the reason I am in therapy because this behavior makes me feel completely insane.

Loneliness! Your mother feels lonely.

Does she have close friends? Hobbies? A local community she feels part of? Church? Does she socialize with non-family members?

[Anonymous]

That sounds like anxiety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At first I thought you were going to describe my situation, emotionally stunted parents who never talked or socialized. It took leaving for college to feel normal and like my real self. I now know they are on the spectrum.

Anyhow, emotional outbursts as you describe are different, and possibly more manageable thought perhaps not after decades of that ingrained behavior.

How do you and your children deal with them today?

In general I prioritize socializing, activities, holiday traditions, talking at dinner, etc. with the children. All normal middle class stuff that I never got to do.

With them things continue to be very check the box. They have grandchildren, they get the societal sense that they should see them once a year, they book the cheapest flights and times they can find, come stay with us for a week or two….. yet having a conversation about anything is like pulling teeth. They just cannot relate to people or what’s going in. My spouse usually has to repeat what his job is for the 100th time. It’s best to ask them what book they’re reading or news they read online. The kids are older now, 8 and 10 and think something is off.

We visit once a year and tack on a side vacation now that the kids are older. They are difficult to travel with - new places, they want to cook or bring their own food or avoid paying for anything. They have good money and savings, just don’t spend it. My brother has inherited the same issues and lives at home in his early 40s so the money may actually go all to him as he has trouble holding down a job or partner.

I am the poster who asked, and thank you for responding. One of my parents on the spectrum, though both of your parents sound way more social than mine. It's that bad. I'm kind of struggling on how to manage my relationship with them now as they have gotten so much older and my children and teenagers.

[Anonymous]

These are my ILs. The only thing that’s worked in nearly 30 years has been to limit contact.

[Anonymous]

She’s going to be unhappy/mad whether you severely limit your time or whether you cater to her every whim. With the prior, at least your child be protected, and you’ll have a more peaceful life without agonizing what you should or shouldn’t do all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like anxiety

You're correct. If the parent doesn't get mental health treatment it will never get better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it took me having my own kids to finally view my parent's behavior with some detachment and finally seem them as they are (good and bad.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. My mom is very emotionally immature. She gets upset for any perceived slight from me or from DC. She got upset when DC was 3 and cried and didn't want to be held by my mom and still brings it up to this day years later. She'll cry or tantrum at DC's events when she feels she's not getting enough attention, either by me or DC. It's bizarre and uncomfortable, so I drastically limit how much time we (and especially DC) spend around her. Unfortunately, that triggers her and seems to exacerbate the issue (again, a perceived lack of attention) so it's this really dysfunctional, upsetting cycle. I'm not sure what the answer is. Alas, this is part of the reason I am in therapy because this behavior makes me feel completely insane.

Loneliness! Your mother feels lonely.

Does she have close friends? Hobbies? A local community she feels part of? Church? Does she socialize with non-family members?

lol, no. This would be a super weird reaction to loneliness… sounds more like narcissism to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. My mom is very emotionally immature. She gets upset for any perceived slight from me or from DC. She got upset when DC was 3 and cried and didn't want to be held by my mom and still brings it up to this day years later. She'll cry or tantrum at DC's events when she feels she's not getting enough attention, either by me or DC. It's bizarre and uncomfortable, so I drastically limit how much time we (and especially DC) spend around her. Unfortunately, that triggers her and seems to exacerbate the issue (again, a perceived lack of attention) so it's this really dysfunctional, upsetting cycle. I'm not sure what the answer is. Alas, this is part of the reason I am in therapy because this behavior makes me feel completely insane.

Loneliness! Your mother feels lonely.

Does she have close friends? Hobbies? A local community she feels part of? Church? Does she socialize with non-family members?

lol, no. This would be a super weird reaction to loneliness… sounds more like narcissism to me

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It was really helpful in understanding their mentality and how to detach from (and stop caring about) their issues.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

So you mom is a huge Narcissist? I say no thank you for that. Try not to see her or have your kids see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very firm boundaries. Someone should have protected you from that when you were a child, and I am sorry that they did not. I am sorry that she did not manage herself.

But now you are the adult, and it is on YOU to protect your kids from her.

“You seem upset, so we’ll leave and give you some time to manage your feelings. Janie is displaying imperfect-but-typical 5-year-old behavior, and if you can’t handle being around a 5-year-old, then the visit is over. I had to walk on eggshells to please you as a child and was given no room or patience to learn coping or maturing tools—you will not be repeating that pattern with my children.” And if it blows up, so be it.

Say the first sentence and forget the rest, while you calmly pack up and leave.

[Anonymous]

Limited contact is the only thing that has worked for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very firm boundaries. Someone should have protected you from that when you were a child, and I am sorry that they did not. I am sorry that she did not manage herself.

But now you are the adult, and it is on YOU to protect your kids from her.

“You seem upset, so we’ll leave and give you some time to manage your feelings. Janie is displaying imperfect-but-typical 5-year-old behavior, and if you can’t handle being around a 5-year-old, then the visit is over. I had to walk on eggshells to please you as a child and was given no room or patience to learn coping or maturing tools—you will not be repeating that pattern with my children.” And if it blows up, so be it.

Say the first sentence and forget the rest, while you calmly pack up and leave.

Yep. Just that first sentence in a calm tone and walk out with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Firm boundaries. Go back to once or twice a year visits. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Don't worry about what she says to other people; you know the truth.

This. No is a complete sentence. Having a close relationship with grandparents is less important than protecting your kids.

Also: don’t move closer.