Emotionally immature grandparents

[Anonymous]

My mother is emotionally immature in a way that requires everyone to walk on eggshells and tend to her moods. Since I was able to move away, I’ve maintained a distant but friendly relationship with my parents with visits once or twice a year. When I had kids the visits became more frequent, and for a while our relationship improved because it centered on the baby. Now my oldest is 5 and parenting her has brought up a lot of realizations about how poorly my parents treated me as a child, through my own memories and because they feel the need to offer their take and advice on how i should be teaching my child to respect me, not cry, etc. It’s eye opening to watch my mother throw a tantrum about something not going her way (literally storm off, cancel plans, etc if someone dares inconvenience or upset her) and then chastise my 5 year old for getting angry and crying for some normal kid reason. I find myself much less willing to cater to my mothers moods now and it’s led to a lot of drama because she complains constantly to anyone who will listen when she feels she’s been wronged and will hold a grudge until someone comes groveling back, which I’m not willing to do.

Posting here for commiseration and also advice if anyone has found good strategies for managing similar family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I commiserate. My mother was emotionally immature when we were growing up, better when she lived the empty nest with dad, now since dad died and her brain has aged she is the queen of emotional immaturity. We see her less and always have an exit plan. Our kids and our sanity come first. Inlaws aren't much better so same rules there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is emotionally immature in a way that requires everyone to walk on eggshells and tend to her moods. Since I was able to move away, I’ve maintained a distant but friendly relationship with my parents with visits once or twice a year. When I had kids the visits became more frequent, and for a while our relationship improved because it centered on the baby. Now my oldest is 5 and parenting her has brought up a lot of realizations about how poorly my parents treated me as a child, through my own memories and because they feel the need to offer their take and advice on how i should be teaching my child to respect me, not cry, etc. It’s eye opening to watch my mother throw a tantrum about something not going her way (literally storm off, cancel plans, etc if someone dares inconvenience or upset her) and then chastise my 5 year old for getting angry and crying for some normal kid reason. I find myself much less willing to cater to my mothers moods now and it’s led to a lot of drama because she complains constantly to anyone who will listen when she feels she’s been wronged and will hold a grudge until someone comes groveling back, which I’m not willing to do.

Posting here for commiseration and also advice if anyone has found good strategies for managing similar family dynamics.

You limit her time with your kids. When she starts to throw a tantrum you immediately leave.

[Anonymous]

At first I thought you were going to describe my situation, emotionally stunted parents who never talked or socialized. It took leaving for college to feel normal and like my real self. I now know they are on the spectrum.

Anyhow, emotional outbursts as you describe are different, and possibly more manageable thought perhaps not after decades of that ingrained behavior.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I could have written this OP. It's so tough. My mother lives a several hour plane ride away and the pandemic caused us to not see her for 18 months which honestly was wonderful. I know that sounds terrible. But she brings so much drama into our lives. I don't have any great tips but I definitely commiserate. Having her around is like adding another child that behaves worse than my young children.

[Anonymous]

Firm boundaries. Go back to once or twice a year visits. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Don't worry about what she says to other people; you know the truth.

[Anonymous]

When your mother attempts to influence your parenting, remind her that she had her chance to parent with you. Now it’s your turn. Basically, shut it down.

[Anonymous]

Very firm boundaries. Someone should have protected you from that when you were a child, and I am sorry that they did not. I am sorry that she did not manage herself.

But now you are the adult, and it is on YOU to protect your kids from her.

“You seem upset, so we’ll leave and give you some time to manage your feelings. Janie is displaying imperfect-but-typical 5-year-old behavior, and if you can’t handle being around a 5-year-old, then the visit is over. I had to walk on eggshells to please you as a child and was given no room or patience to learn coping or maturing tools—you will not be repeating that pattern with my children.” And if it blows up, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I agree, basically keep her away from your kids. She's not just emotionally "immature" she is not capable of moderating her behavior. She sounds like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At first I thought you were going to describe my situation, emotionally stunted parents who never talked or socialized. It took leaving for college to feel normal and like my real self. I now know they are on the spectrum.

Anyhow, emotional outbursts as you describe are different, and possibly more manageable thought perhaps not after decades of that ingrained behavior.

How do you and your children deal with them today?

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. My mom is very emotionally immature. She gets upset for any perceived slight from me or from DC. She got upset when DC was 3 and cried and didn't want to be held by my mom and still brings it up to this day years later. She'll cry or tantrum at DC's events when she feels she's not getting enough attention, either by me or DC. It's bizarre and uncomfortable, so I drastically limit how much time we (and especially DC) spend around her. Unfortunately, that triggers her and seems to exacerbate the issue (again, a perceived lack of attention) so it's this really dysfunctional, upsetting cycle. I'm not sure what the answer is. Alas, this is part of the reason I am in therapy because this behavior makes me feel completely insane.

[Anonymous]

My emotionally immature IL has decided to blame one of my children for a distant relationship with the other kids in the family saying that maybe they should spend “time apart.” That is, the IL wants to hang out with 2/3 of my kids and not the other one because he “brings out the worst” in my IL. My kid is 5. With age appropriate behavior. My in-law is 70+. And got in trouble at his last job and had to go to anger management for throwing a chair at a wall. We all know who the real problem is and we don’t see this grandparent anymore. It’s a shame but we have to protect all of our kids from this toxic BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At first I thought you were going to describe my situation, emotionally stunted parents who never talked or socialized. It took leaving for college to feel normal and like my real self. I now know they are on the spectrum.

Anyhow, emotional outbursts as you describe are different, and possibly more manageable thought perhaps not after decades of that ingrained behavior.

How do you and your children deal with them today?

In general I prioritize socializing, activities, holiday traditions, talking at dinner, etc. with the children. All normal middle class stuff that I never got to do.

With them things continue to be very check the box. They have grandchildren, they get the societal sense that they should see them once a year, they book the cheapest flights and times they can find, come stay with us for a week or two….. yet having a conversation about anything is like pulling teeth. They just cannot relate to people or what’s going in. My spouse usually has to repeat what his job is for the 100th time. It’s best to ask them what book they’re reading or news they read online. The kids are older now, 8 and 10 and think something is off.

We visit once a year and tack on a side vacation now that the kids are older. They are difficult to travel with - new places, they want to cook or bring their own food or avoid paying for anything. They have good money and savings, just don’t spend it. My brother has inherited the same issues and lives at home in his early 40s so the money may actually go all to him as he has trouble holding down a job or partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is emotionally immature in a way that requires everyone to walk on eggshells and tend to her moods. Since I was able to move away, I’ve maintained a distant but friendly relationship with my parents with visits once or twice a year. When I had kids the visits became more frequent, and for a while our relationship improved because it centered on the baby. Now my oldest is 5 and parenting her has brought up a lot of realizations about how poorly my parents treated me as a child, through my own memories and because they feel the need to offer their take and advice on how i should be teaching my child to respect me, not cry, etc. It’s eye opening to watch my mother throw a tantrum about something not going her way (literally storm off, cancel plans, etc if someone dares inconvenience or upset her) and then chastise my 5 year old for getting angry and crying for some normal kid reason. I find myself much less willing to cater to my mothers moods now and it’s led to a lot of drama because she complains constantly to anyone who will listen when she feels she’s been wronged and will hold a grudge until someone comes groveling back, which I’m not willing to do.

Posting here for commiseration and also advice if anyone has found good strategies for managing similar family dynamics.

You limit her time with your kids. When she starts to throw a tantrum you immediately leave.

Yeah I think this is the only solution unfortunately.

I highly recommend the book Understanding the Borderline Mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. My mom is very emotionally immature. She gets upset for any perceived slight from me or from DC. She got upset when DC was 3 and cried and didn't want to be held by my mom and still brings it up to this day years later. She'll cry or tantrum at DC's events when she feels she's not getting enough attention, either by me or DC. It's bizarre and uncomfortable, so I drastically limit how much time we (and especially DC) spend around her. Unfortunately, that triggers her and seems to exacerbate the issue (again, a perceived lack of attention) so it's this really dysfunctional, upsetting cycle. I'm not sure what the answer is. Alas, this is part of the reason I am in therapy because this behavior makes me feel completely insane.

I also have a mother like this. Limiting contact is the only solution.