How to tell sahd he needs to get a part time job

[Anonymous]

Do you want him to get a job, or do you want him to do more around the house? You aren’t clear here so maybe you aren’t communicating clearly at home.

Adults (and honestly children too) don’t respond well to being told to do things. They need to see the problem themselves and form the solution. So as others have suggested, put in clear terms what you see as the issue (not just him sitting around an you feeling resentful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh how different this would be if this was a husband complaining about a wife

A chore list would be considered abusive!

'

Bc you know so many ladies who just sit around playing video games on the couch for hours

Watching soaps, book club, shopping. It’s all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to get a job, or do you want him to do more around the house? You aren’t clear here so maybe you aren’t communicating clearly at home.

Adults (and honestly children too) don’t respond well to being told to do things. They need to see the problem themselves and form the solution. So as others have suggested, put in clear terms what you see as the issue (not just him sitting around an you feeling resentful).

Honestly both. I work full time and still do a lot of things around the house/for and with the kids. I don’t think he sees any problems. He has zero window into the finances and doesn’t see his gaming as an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs a list of what he needs to achieve during the day. He clearly has learned that if he doesn't do the stuff you will do it. Some guys are jerks like that. If I hadn't seen it with a friend (the guy is the friend and told me about it like it was some genius move) I wouldn't have believed it.

Ya but why do I have to create the list? And if / when I do it doesn’t always get done. But there is no consequence if he doesn’t get to something. Not like missing a work deadline etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could not live like this, OP.

Some questions-

Does he have depression?

Does he have a degree/degrees?

What did he do before he was a SAHD?

I’m sure a little bit depression. He was in IT before becoming a sahd. Oldest was a preemie with special needs so that was the reason but it’s time to shift a little bit

[Anonymous]

You need to have an honest conversation with sounding resentful or blaming. But talk about the stress of being the sole income, the desire to have an orderly house, your need for a little time for yourself. And then just say that with the current split of responsibilities, you are feeling very stressed and tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he not working? Did you agree one parent would be home?

I’d make a plan for summer since he likely needs to be home now if you do not have care lined up. For short-term, I’d do what others suggested and list at all chores ( meals, grocery, laundry, lawn, bathrooms, etc) and then have him commit. Depending on dc age could also assign them a few tasks. Explain you are overwhelmed and need help.

Next, I would discuss how to support him beginning to look for pt work as it will take a while. I am a dw and while I absolutely can understand how one can, and might want to stay home, once dc are in school the sah parent can absolutely find at least some work. I am saying this for those that need/ want the money.

I went back pt because I really wanted to but I have many sah friends who did not. However, most did not need the money. One or two did/do ( as they complain about lack of) but always had an excuse. For those who always have an excuse, you have to try and drill down to find out what’s really the issue.

I could never not work if my family needed the money. I am also very organized and disciplined so sah was not hard for me in terms of housekeeping but I felt I needed something more.

I hope you can resolve this. Wishing you the best.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. That’s a good point re how can I support. He’s not organized or disciplined. Wonderful husband and father just time to shift the responsibilities a little bit

[Anonymous]

Not sure how your preemie SN child is doing, but if they are OK now I would also bring that up since that’s why he became a SAHD in the first place. Something along the lines of… I really appreciate the sacrifice you made when Joe was little, but now that he’s older maybe we can reevaluate our situation. Would you like to go back to work PT? Do you miss it? Or is he still worried about your child and feels someone needs to be available at all times? But I agree with the PP suggestions since overall he’s a good husband and dad. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

There is no way in hell this thread would be going the way it is were it a SAHM. The double standard is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way in hell this thread would be going the way it is were it a SAHM. The double standard is amazing.

Yes and no.
SAHMs tend to do a lot more than SAHDs.

My kids went to school with a few SAHDs. I noticed the mothers would book and go on the school middle and high school tours, not the SAHDs. Just booking these tours are competitive in NYC.
Upon picking up my son from a playdate at a SAHD household, I saw the nanny (who did the afterschool pickup) doing chores around the house while the dad was laying in bed. I'm not sure what he was doing but he couldn't bother to get up and say hello or goodbye.

I was a SAHM and I know how busy things can be with small children. But after around 10 years old, the kids need you less and less so if you want to be productive and happy thereafter when the kids leave the nest, start to develop a vocation. Bonus: The kids will respect you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way in hell this thread would be going the way it is were it a SAHM. The double standard is amazing.

Yes and no.
SAHMs tend to do a lot more than SAHDs.

My kids went to school with a few SAHDs. I noticed the mothers would book and go on the school middle and high school tours, not the SAHDs. Just booking these tours are competitive in NYC.
Upon picking up my son from a playdate at a SAHD household, I saw the nanny (who did the afterschool pickup) doing chores around the house while the dad was laying in bed. I'm not sure what he was doing but he couldn't bother to get up and say hello or goodbye.

I was a SAHM and I know how busy things can be with small children. But after around 10 years old, the kids need you less and less so if you want to be productive and happy thereafter when the kids leave the nest, start to develop a vocation. Bonus: The kids will respect you more.

Way to generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way in hell this thread would be going the way it is were it a SAHM. The double standard is amazing.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way in hell this thread would be going the way it is were it a SAHM. The double standard is amazing.

Yes and no.
SAHMs tend to do a lot more than SAHDs.

My kids went to school with a few SAHDs. I noticed the mothers would book and go on the school middle and high school tours, not the SAHDs. Just booking these tours are competitive in NYC.
Upon picking up my son from a playdate at a SAHD household, I saw the nanny (who did the afterschool pickup) doing chores around the house while the dad was laying in bed. I'm not sure what he was doing but he couldn't bother to get up and say hello or goodbye.

I was a SAHM and I know how busy things can be with small children. But after around 10 years old, the kids need you less and less so if you want to be productive and happy thereafter when the kids leave the nest, start to develop a vocation. Bonus: The kids will respect you more.

[Anonymous]

Get off your a$$ and get a job. How many other languages would you like me to say it?

[Anonymous]

the problem here is you’re going to lose respect for DH and once that happens there’s no getting it back. Doesn’t work? Video games? Yes I know it’s unfair but cmon he’s a man and head of household. Get it together!