Kids helping clean - how much should I ask for?
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Anonymous
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You give them chore based on what they can do at that age, don’t put time limits on it. My goal is to have them know how to clean a house top to bottom without assistance before they turn 18. Chores are a part of growing up in our house and they start around age 2 and we build on their skills each year. Some things are expected to be done daily, some things just done when asked. They know they aren’t allowed to back talk when asked to help, if they do they lose their allowance. Allowance for daily chores varies by age and responsibilities and all kids can earn more money by doing extra chores if they want. I don’t buy toys or gifts except for birthday, Christmas, Easter, and maybe a special summer item at end of school year usually at a yard sale. The exception here is books they get 1 each if we’re out and they find something. They have to put half their allowance in savings and can spend the remainder how they want. They also get money for As and half that also goes into savings. They’ve learned if they really want something expensive they can save for it or wait until Christmas.
5 yo chores: feeding and watering animals, making ice, loading dishwasher, putting own dirty laundry in hamper and folding towels and socks, does own laundry with assistance, collects trash around house and adds to larger trash can, putting away towels and own laundry, dusting surfaces without a lot of knickknacks, wiping off and setting the table, vacuuming open areas, sweeping the floor, sweeping the porch, picking up after themselves when through playing- I use the rule that the next activity can’t start until they cleaned up whatever they were playing with first, picking up sticks in yard, watering the flowers 7 year old, everything 5 yo does plus Keeping cat/dog food area clean, vacuuming behind and under furniture including moving furniture except really heavy things, taking out trash, complete independence on doing own laundry, can fold and put away household and family laundry, unload dishwasher and put dishes away, hand wash and dry dishes, clean own bathroom including wiping counters and cleaning toilet as well as washing own towels and bath mats when needed, identify toiletries needed and add to shopping list on fridge, sweep and mop kitchen floor with swiffer, identity and remove old food from fridge and throw outside on shopping day, assist with cooking meals, wipes out cars and vacuums carpets, weeding and planting flowers with assistance- still have to tell him which is weed which is flower. 10 yo everything above, responsible for dusting, vacuuming, and organizing own bedroom. Completes own laundry without assistance and most of family laundry as as asked.. Cleans own bathroom including scrubbing floor, toilet, bathtub, laundry, restocking toiletries in all bathrooms, cooks family meals iwith minimal assistance 2-3 times per week this includes meal selection, finding recipes and execution. Inventories essential items, helps to make household shopping list, reads flyers for sales, clips coupons, and makes shopping suggestions. Dusts hard to reach areas, cleans walls and baseboards with assistance, scrubs kitchen and dining room floor the old fashioned way, cleans litter box, washes and details cars in summer, helps plant new flowers and vegetables, spreads mulch, rakes leaves, trims tree branches, washes windows, is involved in conversations about family household expenses and budgeting and knows how to write checks and address envelopes for bills. Helps with younger siblings and generally just helps me around the house as needed. |
Anonymous
You need boundaries, and “it worked for awhile “ is code for we don’t know how to be consistent. You need to create routines for daily tasks that are just expected to be done. To create a routine means to teach them to do it at the same time, in the same order, every single day. Schedule those things first in your day and make it happen. Start with things they know how to do but it’s not routine yet like dressing, showering, brushing teeth. Things that should be independent depending on age, if it’s not independent then teach the independence. That’s where I’d start because your kids are capable of being independent in those areas. You may get push back at first, but you can write a list and give them a timer. Tell them ice cream sundaes or another fun treat available in x number of minutes if they’ve finished before the timer goes off. Check their work and make sure they aren’t half axing it and if they make it in time they get a treat. You want to push independence so don’t do anything for them unless they really need help and just check in with them to make sure they’re thorough. Give them plenty of time to accomplish the routine so they can get the prize. If they don’t make it in time they don’t get it, but set them up for success at first. After a week you cut back the time they have to finish, slowly decreasing the limit until it’s a reasonable time. You don’t always have to give a treat forever just during teaching. You can use things like board games or whatever they’re into rather than food if that’s a concern. Limiting the amount of time they have to get something done will limit their distractions especially if you have something they really want. Remember if they don’t get done in time they don’t get the surprise. If they’re just flat out rude or disrespectful or causing too many problems just send them to bed early. Pick consequences and have a plan for everything and be consistent, be consistent, be consistent. You address chore this same way just building onto the routine. Focus on easy tasks they can already do or something easy to teach. Make it at the same time each week, or a, b, c need to be done by this time each day. Some people use chore charts or lists and have kids check off upon completion. You need to create some systems that work for your family and go from there. There’s many ways to do it the important thing is to set expectations, be gentle and patient when teaching new skills, set them up for success, be consistent but fair, and don’t let them walk all over you. |
Anonymous
| NP. Question for PP - do you track what they want for Xmas or birthdays, or do they? |
Anonymous
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**update
Op here, want to start a new mini thread. Does anyone have scripts for asking kids to begin cleaning? It would be very very very helpful for me to have a set script with follow up scripts for responding to their behavior. |
Anonymous
OP, my kids are younger so maybe more experienced parents can chime in on whether this keeps working, but we have a little clean up chant that goes with the beginning of putting things away etc. I think they do it at daycare but I definitely noticed a particular singsong my kid said “cleanup cleanup” one time when she was being cheerful about helping and I started to mimic it every evening and it really does help (not solving the annoyingness but helping). Maybe whistle while you work or something from Mary Poppins right after you watch the movie with them? As a kid my sister and I got super into dishes together by pretending that we Mary and Laura Ingalls so make believe games can also move it along. I just also want to add: I’m sure you’re doing great at parenting overall! Siblings are hard! Good luck and I hope you figure out something to make chores less overwhelming soon. |
Anonymous
That’s the Argument Vortex. It goes nowhere good. Do not argue. They can do as asked or they can wait indefinitely for the thing they want to do. |
Anonymous
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I have a 9 year old. He has chores and allowance. Each chore is worth $1 per week so he gets up to $6 per week. I would guess it rages about 15 min per day on average, but he dies them without supervision.
This was something l leaned from a family therapist and had to teach DH. The word discipline actually means to teach or train. Teaching your kid to do chores is work and takes time and patience. So each chore maybe took 5 times of me supervising, going slow with him, and it took longer than me just doing it myself. |
Anonymous
I mean this with kindness, but you should very insecure about your parenting. Kids will eat you alive once they realize this. I actually do think you might benefit from a parenting class. The reality is that most of us in this thread cannot relate, because we simply expect our kids to do chores. And sure, our kids might push back a bit, but we just remind them they have to do X and they know we mean business and so it gets done. The reality is that we outsource a ton so my kid doesn’t have tons of chores. By age 4, she was putting her own laundry away and doing basic pick ups. By age 9, she unloads the dishwasher and vacuums on weekends, puts her laundry away twice a week, cleans up her playroom and bedroom every two weeks before the maid service comes — with a deep purge every few months that an adult helps with. She also does some one off stuff that we pay for like swiffering. She doesn’t love doing any of this, but she knows it has to get done. Sometimes she negotiates a bit, “can I finish my show first/Lego set, etc.” I often say “sure” and sometimes I say “nope, you have to do it right now.” It works fine for us. |
Anonymous
That should be “sound very insecure.” I also want to add that you seem to have really lost perspective about what kids are capable of. In addition to my kid that I talked about doing chores, I have a child with profound special needs that will be a baby cognitively forever. She will require 24/7 care essentially in an institution. If she was cognitively about 4 years old, she would live in a much more independent way as an adult — like an apartment with a caregiver, but fixing her own lunch, etc. If she was cognitively about 10 years old, she would likely live quite independently — ride a bus to her job bagging groceries, make her own meals, and clean her own place with some limited supervision and someone having financial controls. Kids are capable of so much if we teach them and get out of their way. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I have expected my kids to help. Im not insecure whatsoever. But when your kids present obstacle after obstacle, you start to question everything.
They are acting terribly, and it’s as referenced in the OP, a kind of temporary environmental (in our house, siblings together) ADD. I am asking for help. Often on dcum, people don’t directly offer what you ask for. They start to state reasons the topic is important, or get personally critical of someone they don’t know. I have done exactly what you guys have done. My kids are extra challenging, and I need hope. |
Anonymous
Is part of the problem that you are a single mom or have a partner that doesn’t help at all? Do you think your kids actually need to be evaluated for special needs or some sort of therapy? I don’t think anyone on this thread wants you to lose hope. I think we are struggling to understand if this is a YOU problem — which is how you make it sound in your posts (and note that I don’t mean that with any criticism at all, just a “do you need to work on yourself” kind of thing). Or is there really something else going on like an absent or undermining spouse of children who truly have some sort of exceptional need or circumstance. |
Anonymous
| I have a 10 and 8 year old and we just reset the chore chart. I tell them that we all live here, do we all have to help keep it clean. Nothing more, nothing less. |
Anonymous
So, not do… |
Anonymous
| Tell them no tv until they do their chores. |
Anonymous
This. I can drive you to X after you take the trash out. Sorry, I can’t make you a treat, because dishes are piled high in the counter since the dishwasher isn’t empty. After you empty it, I can make you that snack… Show natural consequences. That said, one kid has a disgusting room. Nothing I’ve tried has worked so far but I still have hope. That same kid will do other chores, though. |