"I wish you would take yourself seriously."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he is more interested in what you can do for him and his mood than he is interested in your feelings and wellbeing. Like oh, how inconvenient of you to be sad, I just want to have good vibes so please get help so *I* can feel better. So I would probably dump him, unless he is helping you find a therapist and get some time alone to rejuvenate or things like that.

Mental health issues just suck. I have been there and it is so crappy and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t know what your answer is but please just hang in there.

He actually is helping me find a therapist, sort of. I am resistant to individual therapy bc it hasn't worked great before and the last time led to me marrying my physically and verbally abusive ex-husband. BF wants me to do something, and is urging me to join the same type of 12-step-based group therapy he is doing. Because of my abusive marriage, he has made me being in therapy a condition of the relationship continuing. He has the zeal of a person in recovery (he is an adult child of an alcoholic, not actually an addict; rather, uses the philosophy. I am neither.).

Can you explain a little more about how therapy led you to marry an abusive person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like he thinks you aren't really putting in the effort for your mental health that there's always a reason why medicine counseling etc fails, that you easily write if choices as Oh well I just make bad choices. Shrug . Poor me

He wishes you would realize your value to yourself and others and truly put the work in to heal, and get better.

Not just say the words and go through the motions.

He's helping you find a therapist so he cares but he wants to know it's not all in vain.

THIS! DING DING! All of it. Excellent post, PP. you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like he thinks you aren't really putting in the effort for your mental health that there's always a reason why medicine counseling etc fails, that you easily write if choices as Oh well I just make bad choices. Shrug . Poor me

He wishes you would realize your value to yourself and others and truly put the work in to heal, and get better.

Not just say the words and go through the motions.

He's helping you find a therapist so he cares but he wants to know it's not all in vain.

THIS! DING DING! All of it. Excellent post, PP. you nailed it.

What makes you think I have not been trying or have not put in work? You can put in a ton of work and still not get to where you and to be in life.

[Anonymous]

^want to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he is more interested in what you can do for him and his mood than he is interested in your feelings and wellbeing. Like oh, how inconvenient of you to be sad, I just want to have good vibes so please get help so *I* can feel better. So I would probably dump him, unless he is helping you find a therapist and get some time alone to rejuvenate or things like that.

Mental health issues just suck. I have been there and it is so crappy and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t know what your answer is but please just hang in there.

He actually is helping me find a therapist, sort of. I am resistant to individual therapy bc it hasn't worked great before and the last time led to me marrying my physically and verbally abusive ex-husband. BF wants me to do something, and is urging me to join the same type of 12-step-based group therapy he is doing. Because of my abusive marriage, he has made me being in therapy a condition of the relationship continuing. He has the zeal of a person in recovery (he is an adult child of an alcoholic, not actually an addict; rather, uses the philosophy. I am neither.).

Never mind then, I think he really just wants to see you happy and wishes you would take better care of yourself.

But it still strikes me as a little unfeeling. You probably wish that too, right? We are all doing our best, it’s not like we are failing ourselves intentionally. I know the zeal you’re talking about. He might need somebody who has the same zeal that he does and it’s totally okay if you can’t be that person. I wonder if you were to stay with him, you’d feel constantly judged for not trying hard enough.

[Anonymous]

He probably sees that you COULD be so much happier, and wants you to hold yourself accountable for your role in your problems. He sounds pretty close to dumping you if you don’t work harder.

Your posts are full of blaming others (therapy made you marry your ex, depression makes you make bad decisions, etc.). It’s incredibly frustrating to deal with that, and you have tk work to change this perspective.

If you want to

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a lot to unpack in your posts, but what I see is someone who is truly in denial, or is indeed being manipulative, about the state of mental illness.

I applaud your boyfriend drawing the boundary in your relationship contingent on you taking responsibility and getting proper treatment for your mental health issues.

Take the hand a guidance that he’s reaching out to you.

[Anonymous]

+100. Science also shows that when we're distressed we put a lot of value on our negative thoughts. Have you ever tried CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? It's completely different than other types of talk therapy and focuses on shifting your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I've had some similar experiences to what you've described here and CBT was a game changer. Or, if you're not interested in going to a practitioner, even try a book on CBT.

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that you are suffering. It is awful to have that gnaw away at you on a daily basis. Your burden is too heavy. That voice in your head isn't telling you objective reality. You might have a chemical imbalance that is exacerbated by your experiences and your life situation. None of it is your fault but you unfortunately are responsible for dealing with it. Therapy and medication and exercise are things I force myself to do to manage it, and I also think it is really important to recognize every time you hear that inner voice beating yourself up, it is not telling you true things. I'd ask for clarification from your person about what he meant and avoid discussing it with your friend--that is not hiding it, that is self protection. I really encourage you to get support in whatever way is possible for you and your kid outside of your friend and your bf. Those aren't helpful comments and reinforce that untrue voice in your head. You aren't alone in this experience and you are good and worthy of love and kindness. Giving yourself some mercy and grace is hard, but you more than deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would he feel manipulated by you expressing your sadness? Can you say more about that? Maybe he feels you’re attempting to elicit a reaction in him - of protection, caregiving, etc?

But I agree with PP that you should ask him what he means; we don’t have the full picture.

I don’t think he said he felt manipulated by OP expressing her sadness. It sounds to me like OP expressed her feelings then basically said something like, “now you’re going to like me less. People always like me less when I share my real feelings.” If that’s how it happened, it is manipulative. Being with someone who is depressed is depressing and exhausting for the partner too, but if they’re getting help and working on their illness it can absolutely be worth maintaining a relationship and supporting them. If they’re not addressing the situation in a healthy way though, it might be too much for their partner to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he is more interested in what you can do for him and his mood than he is interested in your feelings and wellbeing. Like oh, how inconvenient of you to be sad, I just want to have good vibes so please get help so *I* can feel better. So I would probably dump him, unless he is helping you find a therapist and get some time alone to rejuvenate or things like that.

Mental health issues just suck. I have been there and it is so crappy and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t know what your answer is but please just hang in there.

He actually is helping me find a therapist, sort of. I am resistant to individual therapy bc it hasn't worked great before and the last time led to me marrying my physically and verbally abusive ex-husband. BF wants me to do something, and is urging me to join the same type of 12-step-based group therapy he is doing. Because of my abusive marriage, he has made me being in therapy a condition of the relationship continuing. He has the zeal of a person in recovery (he is an adult child of an alcoholic, not actually an addict; rather, uses the philosophy. I am neither.).

Wait so this is your second post on DCUM about the same situation. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your depression is coloring how you read this. I think he meant that you should realize you have potential, have already accomplished great things, and have reason to expect more great things to come.

+1000