"I wish you would take yourself seriously."
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| BF just sent this to me. How would you respond to this. I have a history of depression and even though I am not clinically depressed right now I have a sad interior, that I seldom discuss, and spend most of my life disguising; he knows bc we were talking about my life and my failed attempts to fix it last night. I was quite dark saying things I believe to be true, mostly ways in which I am failing my child and unable to get where I want to professionally or materially (I'm a single parent with full custody). Afterwards felt I had repelled him with honesty / toxicity and said so, said I have been pushing people away just by being honest (it's true, I did the same thing earlier yesterday with a friend who has a low tolerance for my outlook--she asked how I was doing with something and I answered too honestly). He says he feels manipulated by my stating it that way. And that he wishes I would take myself seriously. This is so broad I don't know how to respond except to understand that he does not respect me and thinks I should grow up -- at least that's what it sounds like to me. I've been in therapy 4 times in my life and also on medication in the past, none of it has changed the underlying lack of self respect or my inability to make good decisions. |
Anonymous
| It’s interesting that you acknowledge that you make poor decisions. What do you feel is the reason for this? |
Anonymous
| I am sorry that you are suffering. It is awful to have that gnaw away at you on a daily basis. Your burden is too heavy. That voice in your head isn't telling you objective reality. You might have a chemical imbalance that is exacerbated by your experiences and your life situation. None of it is your fault but you unfortunately are responsible for dealing with it. Therapy and medication and exercise are things I force myself to do to manage it, and I also think it is really important to recognize every time you hear that inner voice beating yourself up, it is not telling you true things. I'd ask for clarification from your person about what he meant and avoid discussing it with your friend--that is not hiding it, that is self protection. I really encourage you to get support in whatever way is possible for you and your kid outside of your friend and your bf. Those aren't helpful comments and reinforce that untrue voice in your head. You aren't alone in this experience and you are good and worthy of love and kindness. Giving yourself some mercy and grace is hard, but you more than deserve it. |
Anonymous
| What kind of bad decisions do you make? Is dating him a bad decision? |
Anonymous
|
I think you're response should be this, from your OP:
This is so broad I don't know how to respond. And then you should add: What do you mean? |
Anonymous
|
He sounds like he is more interested in what you can do for him and his mood than he is interested in your feelings and wellbeing. Like oh, how inconvenient of you to be sad, I just want to have good vibes so please get help so *I* can feel better. So I would probably dump him, unless he is helping you find a therapist and get some time alone to rejuvenate or things like that.
Mental health issues just suck. I have been there and it is so crappy and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t know what your answer is but please just hang in there. |
Anonymous
| Your depression is coloring how you read this. I think he meant that you should realize you have potential, have already accomplished great things, and have reason to expect more great things to come. |
Anonymous
|
Are you on meds? In therapy?
Maybe he’s sad about what he perceives as you beating yourself up all the time. |
Anonymous
| This isn’t something to be discussed via text regardless of what it may mean |
Anonymous
Thank you for this compassionate response. -OP |
Anonymous
+10000 |
Anonymous
He actually is helping me find a therapist, sort of. I am resistant to individual therapy bc it hasn't worked great before and the last time led to me marrying my physically and verbally abusive ex-husband. BF wants me to do something, and is urging me to join the same type of 12-step-based group therapy he is doing. Because of my abusive marriage, he has made me being in therapy a condition of the relationship continuing. He has the zeal of a person in recovery (he is an adult child of an alcoholic, not actually an addict; rather, uses the philosophy. I am neither.). |
Anonymous
|
Why would he feel manipulated by you expressing your sadness? Can you say more about that? Maybe he feels you’re attempting to elicit a reaction in him - of protection, caregiving, etc?
But I agree with PP that you should ask him what he means; we don’t have the full picture. |
Anonymous
| How did individual therapy cause you to enter an abusive marriage? |
Anonymous
|
Sounds to me like he thinks you aren't really putting in the effort for your mental health that there's always a reason why medicine counseling etc fails, that you easily write if choices as Oh well I just make bad choices. Shrug . Poor me
He wishes you would realize your value to yourself and others and truly put the work in to heal, and get better. Not just say the words and go through the motions. He's helping you find a therapist so he cares but he wants to know it's not all in vain. |