Do you ever get tired of being good? Good parent, good citizen, good neighbor….

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit of the opposite from you OP. I think people, especially girls and women should be less good. They should be intelligent, kind and resourceful, but I think good is just a way of trying to control people especially women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a little different, but sometimes I am frustrated because I've always played by the rules and tried to do the right thing. I have a job that helps people so I make less money. I'm honest in my dealings. Meanwhile I often see people who cut corners in life, focus only on themselves, are dishonest, and they get ahead. I don't want to change, or think I could even change because of how I was raised, but sometimes it feels so unfair.

This is exactly the way I feel!

- NP

[Anonymous]

I thought I was going to relate to OP based on the title, but I guess I don't.

I don't think I'm as much of a model citizen as you are. While I do eat healthier than I used to in front of my kid, I also happily eat junk when she's not around. Plus, while I make sure my kid is getting a balanced diet, I also eat plenty of stuff like pizza, tacos, French fries, etc. with her. Not junk food but still food I love and find satisfying. We aren't eating steamed veggies and chicken over rice every night (often, just not nightly). With food, I'd say the biggest limitation is not that I must eat perfectly virtuous food all the time, but that my kid doesn't like spicy food. But in that case we just eat the same food and I put hot sauce on mine. This is not hugely different than pre-kids.

I swear in front of my kid. Not often, but when merited (I don't swear at her, that's different). I allow myself to have a full range of feelings, including anger, as long as I contextualize it for her and don't take it out on her. I think it's valuable for her to see that I'm human, that I get mad or frustrated, and that I'm not some kind of perfectly serene angel who never feels hurt or mad.

But on the other hand, I don't miss some of the other stuff I used to do as much as you do. I don't miss going to bars and clubs late at night. I like getting a good night's sleep and not feeling as much pressure to be social. I still go out, my DH and I have dates, I meet friends for drinks, etc. Just not as much as I used to and it feels more like a break or a treat, whereas pre-kids it sometimes felt like a chore, something I had to do to maintain my friendships or, before my DH, in order to meet people I might date. I love being freed of that.

I do often feel like I have to work so hard at doing things right as a parent that it is exhausting. In particular all the administrative stuff you have to be on top of and not screw up because your kid will pay the price -- school and activity registration, getting childcare lined up, planning weekends and vacations so that we can make memories and make the most of that time, facilitating relationships with grandparents, etc. That's when I miss being childless. Back then if I messed up something like this, the only person who paid the price was me and that made it easy to decide what was worth doing (will I be mad at myself for skipping this?). But with kids, your kid might be mad at you for something as simple as forgetting that they were supposed to wear orange to school on Friday. Staying on top of all the kid related stuff is overwhelming at times, and there are lots of people, not just your kid, who are eager to jump all over you if you mess it up. I'd love a break from that.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Add I work in healthcare. It’s stressful and exhausting to be so responsible sometimes but if not us, who?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a little different, but sometimes I am frustrated because I've always played by the rules and tried to do the right thing. I have a job that helps people so I make less money. I'm honest in my dealings. Meanwhile I often see people who cut corners in life, focus only on themselves, are dishonest, and they get ahead. I don't want to change, or think I could even change because of how I was raised, but sometimes it feels so unfair.

This. I started feeling this way before kids, and having kids only makes it worse because I put effort into teaching my child to be a decent person, and then have to explain why that's important when it's very obvious that people who are willing to break the rules often come out on top. It can really rattle your value system. Especially because I am not religious so it's not like it's about getting into heaven or something. I just honestly believe it's important to treat others with kindness and that the world would be better if we all did this. So many people disagree though, or view it as an opening to take advantage.

[Anonymous]

-Always following the rules - I have been teaching my kids to know the rules and think about them but consider whether they make sense, and keep in mind there are times to break the rules. If you're supposed to be silently reading in class but there's a fire, it's okay to yell fire, for example.
-Watching family friendly movies with a good positive message that you want your kids to learn - uh, no way. I watch what I want to watch. Entertainment is art. My kids know not to repeat certain words, and some concepts are not to be talked about with people.
-Eating healthy balanced meal - sure sometimes. And sometimes we have yogurt and a banana for dinner. The other day we had pizza for breakfast.

I curse sometimes, slap my kids hands when they go to touch something they shouldn't, and yell sometimes too. I don't strive to be perfect. That's not attainable, and I feel zero need to drive myself crazy. Do I volunteer weekly? Yes. Am I sometimes kind to strangers? Yes. Do I hold the elevator door for people? Absolutely not. Did we once give DD's best friend whose family had been VERY kind to DD an Easter basket one year? Also yes. There's balance.

[Anonymous]

The thing that wears me out is just staying on top of all the "soft" obligations that come with being a "good" working parent. Like, it's teacher appreciation week, so I have to volunteer for "fill the fridge" at one kid's school, do gifts for the teachers at the other, etc. Responding to invites from classmates, dialing into parent working groups, etc. There's always something like that. It would be so much easier to just let it all slide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking about this the other day. How exhausting it is sometimes to try to do it "right". I'm hoping the work I do now will pay off and make my life easier down the road.

Like, that teaching my kids about healthy food and letting them choose what they eat will result in not dealing with body/weight issues down the road.
Or getting my little kids to do chores so that it's not as hard of a battle for them to do them when they're bigger kids.

But it may not pay off at all, and parents that didn't give a shit at all will end up with perfect kids and mine will be all effed up.

I have no idea but I keep trying anyway.

Think of this as a visit from your future -- I'm a Mom of late teens and I can tell which Moms put in the effort re: chores, healthy eating, self-sufficiency etc. and who didn't. Teen versions of kids without a strong positive influence like yours will be overweight, slovenly brats prone to anxiety because their parents didn't strengthen them by assigning tedious yet necessary tasks and shielding them from life's disappointments. I see them all the time.

Keep up the good fight - it's worth it and it shows to people you don't even know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that wears me out is just staying on top of all the "soft" obligations that come with being a "good" working parent. Like, it's teacher appreciation week, so I have to volunteer for "fill the fridge" at one kid's school, do gifts for the teachers at the other, etc. Responding to invites from classmates, dialing into parent working groups, etc. There's always something like that. It would be so much easier to just let it all slide

This does sound like a bit too much. Choose maybe 3 per year.
Classmate invitations dwindle after elementary ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-Always following the rules - I have been teaching my kids to know the rules and think about them but consider whether they make sense, and keep in mind there are times to break the rules. If you're supposed to be silently reading in class but there's a fire, it's okay to yell fire, for example.
-Watching family friendly movies with a good positive message that you want your kids to learn - uh, no way. I watch what I want to watch. Entertainment is art. My kids know not to repeat certain words, and some concepts are not to be talked about with people.
-Eating healthy balanced meal - sure sometimes. And sometimes we have yogurt and a banana for dinner. The other day we had pizza for breakfast.

I curse sometimes, slap my kids hands when they go to touch something they shouldn't, and yell sometimes too. I don't strive to be perfect. That's not attainable, and I feel zero need to drive myself crazy. Do I volunteer weekly? Yes. Am I sometimes kind to strangers? Yes. Do I hold the elevator door for people? Absolutely not. Did we once give DD's best friend whose family had been VERY kind to DD an Easter basket one year? Also yes. There's balance.

You don’t hold the elevator door?!?! What is wrong with you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. After wrangling our kids to use napkins, use silverware, sit nicely, eat their vegetables and tell us about their days... dh and I looked at each other. I said- remember when we used to sit on the couch and watch TV while eating? Sigh.

What's wrong with sitting on the couch and having dinner while watching a show or movie together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that wears me out is just staying on top of all the "soft" obligations that come with being a "good" working parent. Like, it's teacher appreciation week, so I have to volunteer for "fill the fridge" at one kid's school, do gifts for the teachers at the other, etc. Responding to invites from classmates, dialing into parent working groups, etc. There's always something like that. It would be so much easier to just let it all slide

You actually don't have to do any of that stuff (other than responding to invitations). Nothing will happen if you don't do them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking about this the other day. How exhausting it is sometimes to try to do it "right". I'm hoping the work I do now will pay off and make my life easier down the road.

Like, that teaching my kids about healthy food and letting them choose what they eat will result in not dealing with body/weight issues down the road.
Or getting my little kids to do chores so that it's not as hard of a battle for them to do them when they're bigger kids.

But it may not pay off at all, and parents that didn't give a shit at all will end up with perfect kids and mine will be all effed up.

I have no idea but I keep trying anyway.

Think of this as a visit from your future -- I'm a Mom of late teens and I can tell which Moms put in the effort re: chores, healthy eating, self-sufficiency etc. and who didn't. Teen versions of kids without a strong positive influence like yours will be overweight, slovenly brats prone to anxiety because their parents didn't strengthen them by assigning tedious yet necessary tasks and shielding them from life's disappointments. I see them all the time.

Keep up the good fight - it's worth it and it shows to people you don't even know.

DP, and I think you're attributing too much to parenting. My parents were pretty permissive with both me and my sister. I somehow ended up with a ton of self-discipline, I was responsible at an early age, neighborhood parents beat down my door for babysitting, etc. Fast-forward 30 years and I have a well-respected job, healthy family (knock wood), etc. My sister is a dysfunctional mess, hasn't worked in years, relies on our parents for everything, on and on.

Now, I do this stuff with my own kids because I think it's important for them, but I also think part of "being good" that too many mothers take on can include taking on too much responsibility for how their kids turn out. It's not okay to assume you know everything about how a kid was parented based on who that kid is as a teenager.

[Anonymous]

No, sorry I can't relate. I applaud your efforts to model good behavior for your children, that is important. The DH thing is a bit of an issue and you need to be on the same about parenting choices. If you have a need to be 'bad', why not blow off steam from time to time when your kids aren't around? Of course it will be more limited than single life, there are sacrifices with parenting.

Tired of cooking healthy meals? Duck out for an hour to grab burgers and a shake.

Tired of responsible budgeting? Allow yourself periodic large or small splurges (jewelry, handbag, antiques, whatever it is your want blow $$$ on)

Dislike volunteering? Then stop doing it.

Tired of always watching moralistic disney movies? After the kids go to bed watch some adult movies with your spouse.

Bored watching Larla's soccer practice? Then get a sitter or DH to watch the kids while you go to a happy hour with some girl friends.

I admit that I really don't understand where you are coming from so these suggestions may not be helpful. I partied in college, but was never huge into drinking at bars. Also I grew up poor and had to be responsible with money, school, and my career from an early age so now it is in my nature. Perhaps that has something to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Not really, because I'm living an authentic life and feel true to myself and my values. I feel good when I'm nice to people, I feel more at ease when my house isn't cluttered, I feel more joy in parenting when I'm being a good mom (obviously what a "good mom" is varies from person to person). When I yell at my kids, or my house is a disaster, or I'm hung over, or I am standoffish to my neighbor, I feel crappy about it. Why would I actively decide to be like that more often?

Before anyone comes at me, no I have no illusions that I'm perfect, but nor do I yearn for a messy house and a night of binge drinking.