How would you handle this 3yo behavior
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Anonymous
No… you are interpreting his behavior as if he were an adult. He is 3 years old. He’s not enjoying the situation, he is flooded with shame, an overwhelming and uncomfortable emotion that he does not know is how to deal with. |
Anonymous
Well, I’ve been around lots of 3 year olds, including my own kids at that age, & I disagree. Kids that age can absolutely enjoy getting a reaction out of their siblings. People don’t tend to smile when they feel ashamed. |
Anonymous
Adults don't tend to smile when they feel ashamed, true. 3 year olds are not adults. When young children are experiencing a difficult or scary emotion, it is very common for them to laugh, run away, cover their ears, all cooping mechanisms. And for some children, knowing that they have disappointed their parent (when they hit a sibling for example), is very, very overwhelming. They don't yet have the skills to stop themselves from acting on their impulses, and are just trying to cope with their big scary feelings. |
Anonymous
Right.... "Honey, hitting your brother is wrong. Let me teach you this lesson by hitting you". A very good way to create resentment and shame in your child. I guarantee you are only teaching your child to be vilolent behind your back. Punishing an impulse behavior will not fix the problem. OP, it sounds like you are handling this very well. You understand what the bigger issue is (your son is frustrated, and like all 3 year olds, impulse), so keep working on that. |
Anonymous
DP, meh. It does work. Because the 3 year old DOES have control (unless there are SN). Also, obviously a dispassionate spank by a parent as a consequence is different and kids aren’t morons, they know it is different. Just as it is different for the state to lock you up versus your next door neighbor to lock you up. |
Anonymous
I feel bad for your children. |
Anonymous
ok... |
Anonymous
Let me clarify - I feel bad that you feel spanking is an acceptable "consequence". Discipline is intended to teach children acceptable behavior. There has been so much research showing us why hitting children does not work - that it is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term. It models aggression. It creates shame. It makes children angry at their parents. It becomes less effective over time. When an adult spanks a child, they are not saying "Oh yes, I see now, I hurt my brother, I won't do that any more". Instead they are flooded with anger and shame, and research tells us we can not learn when we experience this flood of emotions. But what we can learn is, "oh, I better not let mommy see me hit Billy, I'll do it when Mommy's not here". It doesn't address the root of the problem. Anyway, OP never said she was spanking her child. I was just horrified that some people out there still feel this is acceptable and effective. |
Anonymous
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OP, I hope you ignore 90% of what people are suggesting.
1) check on and care for the injured child 2) remove the toy temporarily 3) tell 3 “Ouch. 5 is hurt. I can’t let you hurt your brother. Let’s find something safer to do.” Repeat, repeat, repeat. Janet Lansbury has lots of good advice about these kids of situations. I’ve worked with 3-year-olds for 21 years, had my own kid who went through preschool, and never once have I seen a 3 be intentionally hurtful in a way that couldn’t be rectified by the above approach. |
Anonymous
This plus close supervision when they are together with dangerous items removed. Separate them when possible. A lot of people here are just displaying poor and outdated understanding of why kids act out. Do not assume they can control it or that they enjoy acting out. Those are really toxic assumptions which will perpetuate a bad cycle. And for the love of god don’t hit your kids. Learn better and do better. |
Anonymous
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1) check on and care for the injured child + offer them something them of high interest to help them feel better
2) remove the toy to somewhere within sight, but out of reach 3) tell 3 “Ouch. 5 is hurt. I can’t let you hurt your brother. Let’s find something safer to do.” or "It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to hurt others."+ have them work at finding something they can do to make amends. (NOT a HUG!!) |
Anonymous
| To those saying just keep repeating the same steps, op said this happens daily. At what point do you see it as your obligation to protect your other child from physical harm? |
Anonymous
At this point the kid needs consequences. Big difference from home and school. And, child needs better supervision. |
Anonymous
Those are consequences. I think you mean “punishment.” And no. I prefer to model appropriate behavior and institute calm and rational consequences. Taking away attention, removing a toy, and finding something different to do are the consequences. Eventually the kid will self-regulate and do this on himself own. Modeling compassion for the hurt child means that kid will also see the appropriate response when someone is hurt and begin to model that. |
Anonymous
| I would spank him. The “studies” aren’t controlled, they lump all corporal punishment together as a binary variable and observe correlations. |