Setting boundaries with MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she hungry? Does she believe the fridge is communal?
When we visit my MIL, she shows us everything in the fridge so we can eat if we want any. When she’s here, she uses the fridge. It’s more if a “you’re welcome to anything” attitude on both sides. And yes, gathering in the kitchen is common and feels normal. Maybe you need to tell her it bothers you.

She wasn’t hungry. We came back from grabbing food. She made it seem like she wanted a condiment for her food. She didn’t take the condiment that she said she was going for. She then starts taking out containers out of the fridge and saying “oooo what have you got here?” Then after she went through looking what we have. She sat down without the condiment. I know this part is her being nosey. She’s been in our bathroom where I hear her ruffling around items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean she always plans outings with other ILS with just my husband? Are you not invited?

So it’s always my husband and I, SIL, FIL. She never text us as a group. She only communicates with my husband. We do outings together. All 5 of us.

For example: with Christmas dinners, she makes the food and likes to plan everything. She texts my husband what she’s planning on doing. And the rest of us have no idea what’s going on. Another holiday she wanted us to go out of town. Instead of texting everyone, she decided only to text my husband about it. Asking him what he thinks.

What if you started a group chat and before holidays, ask her what you want to know?

Good idea. Thanks

[Anonymous]

Well if she makes plans with "just your husband," why is HE not consulting you?

My husband and I are a team with this. My mom will ask if this that the other and I will say, "I will discuss this with Jim and get back to you." He does the same for me.

With the kitchen thing, unless she's sticking her fingers in your food, shrug it off. "Oh, Barbara, if you're so bored you're looking at our leftovers, I have a great new cookbook you might want to look through."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean she always plans outings with other ILS with just my husband? Are you not invited?

So it’s always my husband and I, SIL, FIL. She never text us as a group. She only communicates with my husband. We do outings together. All 5 of us.

For example: with Christmas dinners, she makes the food and likes to plan everything. She texts my husband what she’s planning on doing. And the rest of us have no idea what’s going on. Another holiday she wanted us to go out of town. Instead of texting everyone, she decided only to text my husband about it. Asking him what he thinks.

Is your husband mute and has no means of communicating with you? If he gets a text that says:
"For Christmas dinner, I am planning on making ham and I want you to bring fruit salad, then we'll all go to midnight mass," he can include you in that text chain, or he can say, "OK, let me talk things through with Carole and then we'll confirm what we'd like to do/bring."

[Anonymous]

Sometimes older people who aren't great with technology have a hard time knowing how to set up group chats.

The going through your cabinets is mildly annoying. But whatever.

Tell your husband to add you (and others if necessary) to the chat if you want to be on it so bad. I would be THRILLED THRILLED THRILLED to be left off crap like this, but if you want in talk to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she hungry? Does she believe the fridge is communal?
When we visit my MIL, she shows us everything in the fridge so we can eat if we want any. When she’s here, she uses the fridge. It’s more if a “you’re welcome to anything” attitude on both sides. And yes, gathering in the kitchen is common and feels normal. Maybe you need to tell her it bothers you.

She wasn’t hungry. We came back from grabbing food. She made it seem like she wanted a condiment for her food. She didn’t take the condiment that she said she was going for. She then starts taking out containers out of the fridge and saying “oooo what have you got here?” Then after she went through looking what we have. She sat down without the condiment. I know this part is her being nosey. She’s been in our bathroom where I hear her ruffling around items.

Your bathroom as in the bathroom in your bedroom? Is there no other full bath in the house that she has access to? Tell her straight up: "Please do not use the bathroom in the master bedroom." And hide anything you don't want her "ruffling" [sic] through in the guest bath/powder rooms.

[Anonymous]

So many of these posts are really husband problems.

The texting thing is a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes older people who aren't great with technology have a hard time knowing how to set up group chats.

The going through your cabinets is mildly annoying. But whatever.

Tell your husband to add you (and others if necessary) to the chat if you want to be on it so bad. I would be THRILLED THRILLED THRILLED to be left off crap like this, but if you want in talk to your husband.

She is great with technology. She group text us all the time but about funny things she thinks of. Or articles she wants us to read

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she hungry? Does she believe the fridge is communal?
When we visit my MIL, she shows us everything in the fridge so we can eat if we want any. When she’s here, she uses the fridge. It’s more if a “you’re welcome to anything” attitude on both sides. And yes, gathering in the kitchen is common and feels normal. Maybe you need to tell her it bothers you.

She wasn’t hungry. We came back from grabbing food. She made it seem like she wanted a condiment for her food. She didn’t take the condiment that she said she was going for. She then starts taking out containers out of the fridge and saying “oooo what have you got here?” Then after she went through looking what we have. She sat down without the condiment. I know this part is her being nosey. She’s been in our bathroom where I hear her ruffling around items.

Your bathroom as in the bathroom in your bedroom? Is there no other full bath in the house that she has access to? Tell her straight up: "Please do not use the bathroom in the master bedroom." And hide anything you don't want her "ruffling" [sic] through in the guest bath/powder rooms.

Yes she does have access to other bathrooms. She is very sneaky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of these posts are really husband problems.

The texting thing is a husband problem.

Op here. I agree now seeing the responses

[Anonymous]

What's the issue? She's talking to her son about holiday plans. He is then failing to loop you in. HE is choosing not to include you. Take it up with him.

Tell her to stay out of your bathroom: problem solved.

I mean, can you ask her not to go through your food containers? Yeah. Is it worth it if she fails to understand/has hurt feelings about it? You tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the issue? She's talking to her son about holiday plans. He is then failing to loop you in. HE is choosing not to include you. Take it up with him.

Tell her to stay out of your bathroom: problem solved.

I mean, can you ask her not to go through your food containers? Yeah. Is it worth it if she fails to understand/has hurt feelings about it? You tell me.

Leave something inappropriate out in your bathroom. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience with an adoring MIL is to let the little things go and try to limit contact when things get too annoying.

Yes I try to limit. She lives nearby and is always begging us to do things. I see her very often. I’ll try to limit more.

My DH's mother didn't want to communicate with me at all. She would call him to always come over to fix this or that. Or try to get him to leave us for the holidays. She was something else, and finally we moved over a hour a way which made all the difference. Yours may not be that annoying, but I'd probably move further away if possible. It will get worse as she ages fyi.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a DH problem: he's not communicating to you about plans with in-laws. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Next time MIL is going to come over, hide the leftovers in the trunk of your car. And maybe your pills and ointments from the bathroom. Just remember to retrieve them when the old bat leaves.

Problem solved.