Setting boundaries with MIL

[Anonymous]

How do you go about setting boundaries with MIL? Examples of things that annoys me: When she comes over I feel uncomfortable. She always wants to be in my kitchen. She will act like she wants some condiments in the fridge, but then proceed to open our food containers and look what we’ve made. She always plans our outing with my other ILs with just my husband but never includes anyone else even though we’re all in the plans. Am I overreacting also?

[Anonymous]

These seem like minor things

[Anonymous]

The food things seems odd, but very minor in the scheme of things.

Re: planning, if she went straight to you for planning, wouldn't you be annoyed that she was assuming you handled all the planning and not your DH? Or maybe I'm misunderstanding that issue.

But listen, I get it. ILs can be annoying. My own parents can be annoying. The goal, I think, is to view them in the best possible light that you can (as in, always assume good intentions), and laugh about their quirks as much as you can, to preserve the relationship.

The caveat of this, of course, is if it's clear the ILs don't have the best intentions, are abusive etc. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

[Anonymous]

In my experience with an adoring MIL is to let the little things go and try to limit contact when things get too annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The food things seems odd, but very minor in the scheme of things.

Re: planning, if she went straight to you for planning, wouldn't you be annoyed that she was assuming you handled all the planning and not your DH? Or maybe I'm misunderstanding that issue.

But listen, I get it. ILs can be annoying. My own parents can be annoying. The goal, I think, is to view them in the best possible light that you can (as in, always assume good intentions), and laugh about their quirks as much as you can, to preserve the relationship.

The caveat of this, of course, is if it's clear the ILs don't have the best intentions, are abusive etc. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

OP here. Yes they really can be annoying.

I just think she can include everyone who is in her plans. For every holiday, she will only text my husband what she’s doing, like food shes preparing for us, what she’s bringing to our home. I just think she can easily group text in those situations since the plans don’t surround just her and my husband.

Thanks for your input

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience with an adoring MIL is to let the little things go and try to limit contact when things get too annoying.

Yes I try to limit. She lives nearby and is always begging us to do things. I see her very often. I’ll try to limit more.

[Anonymous]

When she starts opening the containers, loudly ask, “I see you’re opening different containers. Is there something you’re looking for?” Do it every time.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean she always plans outings with other ILS with just my husband? Are you not invited?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes those group texts can get confusing OP. How many others are involved? Is your DH good about coordinating with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The food things seems odd, but very minor in the scheme of things.

Re: planning, if she went straight to you for planning, wouldn't you be annoyed that she was assuming you handled all the planning and not your DH? Or maybe I'm misunderstanding that issue.

But listen, I get it. ILs can be annoying. My own parents can be annoying. The goal, I think, is to view them in the best possible light that you can (as in, always assume good intentions), and laugh about their quirks as much as you can, to preserve the relationship.

The caveat of this, of course, is if it's clear the ILs don't have the best intentions, are abusive etc. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

OP here. Yes they really can be annoying.

I just think she can include everyone who is in her plans. For every holiday, she will only text my husband what she’s doing, like food shes preparing for us, what she’s bringing to our home. I just think she can easily group text in those situations since the plans don’t surround just her and my husband.

Thanks for your input

A lot of women prefer this because it sets the boundary of all communication having to go through your husband. You are not expected to handle MIL at all. I know that the flipside is being out of the loop which is kind of annoying, but in the long run this may be a better boundary to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she starts opening the containers, loudly ask, “I see you’re opening different containers. Is there something you’re looking for?” Do it every time.

But what if she just responds that she was curious? How long can someone take to open a container of potato salad to see what it looks like? Unless she's doing it repeatedly all day long or standing with the fridge open for 5 min, it probably doesn't warrant getting too agitated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean she always plans outings with other ILS with just my husband? Are you not invited?

So it’s always my husband and I, SIL, FIL. She never text us as a group. She only communicates with my husband. We do outings together. All 5 of us.

For example: with Christmas dinners, she makes the food and likes to plan everything. She texts my husband what she’s planning on doing. And the rest of us have no idea what’s going on. Another holiday she wanted us to go out of town. Instead of texting everyone, she decided only to text my husband about it. Asking him what he thinks.

[Anonymous]

Is she hungry? Does she believe the fridge is communal?
When we visit my MIL, she shows us everything in the fridge so we can eat if we want any. When she’s here, she uses the fridge. It’s more if a “you’re welcome to anything” attitude on both sides. And yes, gathering in the kitchen is common and feels normal. Maybe you need to tell her it bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean she always plans outings with other ILS with just my husband? Are you not invited?

So it’s always my husband and I, SIL, FIL. She never text us as a group. She only communicates with my husband. We do outings together. All 5 of us.

For example: with Christmas dinners, she makes the food and likes to plan everything. She texts my husband what she’s planning on doing. And the rest of us have no idea what’s going on. Another holiday she wanted us to go out of town. Instead of texting everyone, she decided only to text my husband about it. Asking him what he thinks.

What if you started a group chat and before holidays, ask her what you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean she always plans outings with other ILS with just my husband? Are you not invited?

So it’s always my husband and I, SIL, FIL. She never text us as a group. She only communicates with my husband. We do outings together. All 5 of us.

For example: with Christmas dinners, she makes the food and likes to plan everything. She texts my husband what she’s planning on doing. And the rest of us have no idea what’s going on. Another holiday she wanted us to go out of town. Instead of texting everyone, she decided only to text my husband about it. Asking him what he thinks.

She assumes your husband will tell you or ask your opinion. Doesn’t he? If my MIL wanted to go out of town and I didn’t, I’d rather my husband tell her that’s not a good idea. He wouldn’t express an opinion to her until he checked with me to my thoughts.