S/o how do you have change your parenting approach to go from 2 to 3 kids successfully?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least while the kids are little - let go of the idea that you'll be able to sit down a do an activity with one of them. your job evolves more to management and keeping everyone safe and logistical things moving. If you try to sit down and do a craft project with your oldest, both of you will just end up frustrated because you'll be interrupted 10000 times (unless others are napping at the same time).

I'm the PP with kids 4, 2.5 & 7 months.

Could not agree more. I forgot this detail.
I did lots of fun messy painting with the oldest up until the 2nd outgrew the newborn stage.
Now the older 2 do either low-mess art activities like coloring books, toddler (cut proof) scissors and glue sticks, or sometimes PlayDoh, but even that sometimes requires meto be more hands on than I'd like.

I kind of hate all the complicated activities people recommend-- they're so unrealistic. There's nothing wrong with being hands off and letting your kids occupy themselves with their trucks/toys/dolls/crayons..

[Anonymous]

I was the PP on the other 3 kids thread who made the comment about needing to be more chill once you have 3+ kids. For context, DH and I both work FT, mostly from home, although I'll start going back a few days/week (my commute is short). Neither of us work more than 45+ hours a week, usually. Our kids are currently 10, 8, and 6. We love having three and for the most part manage it well, I think.

Here's what works for us:

-Not overcommitting to kids' activities. We aim for ones they can do together (summer swim team, year-round lessons at the same time) or individual ones that are on the easy side (a short walk from our house, predictable schedules, etc.)
-High expectations around kids keeping their spaces clean. We really had to work at this one and it's ongoing, but we don't let our kids trash their rooms or the rest of the house
-Prioritizing sleep for everyone. We were very rigid about our kids' sleep schedules when they were little, sleep trained each of them as babies, still attend carefully to their sleep (and ours). We don't routinely keep them out late on weekends, for example, and we also never had elaborate bedtime routines. We'll take the short-term pain of sleep training for the long-term gain of good sleepers
-Weekend activities as a family. We don't do many one-off playdates for each kid as an individual. They get lots of play time with their friends at aftercare and they enjoy each others' company (mostly). Weekend social activities are usually with other families in our neighborhood or whom we know pre-kids with whom the kids and adults all get along. We don't worry about matching up each kid with a specific friend; we expect them all to play together and get along while the adults socialize. Our kids are very good at entertaining themselves and at getting along with whoever is around, mostly

I'm sure there are others, but those are the big ones. We do walk our kids to and from school/aftercare, we have regular family dinners and a movie night, so we make sure the kids are getting enough attention. None of our kids have SN, which goes a long way towards lower stress levels, but none of the kids is "easy." One has peanut allergies, one is attracted to drama like a moth to flame, one struggles with reading, etc., so we do still have our challenges. I guess the other thing is that we're flexible about what it means to have a good life. We're not wrapped up in our kids going to specific colleges or having a certain kind of career or credential or being the best in multiple things. We want them to be productive, thoughtful citizens, and there are lots of ways to do that.

The other big way it works to have 3+ kids is a SAHP and/or tons of family help. We have neither, but I don't knock those who do.

[Anonymous]

I had four, then divorced, then married someone with two, so now have six. When you have two it's "man on man." Two legs, two babies - everyone fits in your lap. You can verbally calm one down while physically helping the other.

When there are three, you're outnumbered. Instead of mostly giving individual attention and occasionally group direction, that flips around to the opposite. When our third was born, we had to be very careful to not put the oldest in charge or let them "parent" the younger ones, and be very careful to make sure every child got individual attention.

Yesterday I read that someone with a big family had Notes in their phone with her kids birthdays, etc. I'm not quite that bad, but I do have all their shoe sizes and clothing sizes in Notes, as well as a couple of other things along those lines.

[Anonymous]

I have three, and thought that other post was really annoying haha. But I didn't comment on it. DH and I both work full time but from home. I have no family nearby. I think we are pretty happy! Definitely not miserable and whining about how hard and terrible everything is. Our kids are 6/4/2. For us I guess

1) Like others, very structured in some ways (sleep, mealtimes, morning and evening routines etc) and pretty unstructured in others (not a ton of commitments to activities, a lot of time to play together

2) I teach my kids independence and am always explaining why we are doing stuff. Makes age 2 harder but pays off more and more every year after. My two year old can put on her socks/shoes/coat/hat. My 4 year old gets dressed independently with no information except for 'how cold is it today?' Basically we're constantly putting them in control of what they can safely be in control of. We have a snack drawer with healthy foods they can reach, drinks in a middle drawer, they can use the water dispenser on the fridge, they know how to use the TV remote, this type of stuff. This independence also goes to play, the 6 and 4 year old can play very well with basically no supervision. The 2 year old is still working on it. But they can think of stuff to do and they can play together well.

3) DH and I make time for each other. We have 1-2 date nights a month. We have sex once a week at least. We talk to each other and touch each other. This means we like each other and so we are a rock solid supportive teammate to one another. Always picking up each other's slack where needed, proactively looking for what needs to be done and not resenting each other. More work isn't so hard when you have a really good team member helping you get through it.

4) We don't do a ton of stuff like eat at restaurants or that kind of thing that is hard with three kids, but we don't NEVER do those things. So when stuff comes up that is unexpected, or when we have to travel, the kids understand the score and can go with it, even if it isn't an everyday or even every month occurrence.

5) I always take a different kid with me on the weekends to target/grocery store. Helps build more one on one with both mom and dad.

6) When we do an activity we try to get them all or 2/3 in there, like two kids are both in swim on Saturday morning.

7) I do try to let them go to as many birthday parties and playdates as possible, so they can feel like their own people, but don't stress if they can't. And I let them go to playdates without me. The four year old just started going to his friend's house after preschool and I'm not there. I know the parents, checked it out etc, but once I'm confident in something, I am comfortable letting out the leash a little.

8) Talk ALL the time about family being important, loving each other/etc but I never ask the older one to parent. I am an oldest girl and was a pseudo parent to my siblings and really feel very strongly about not passing that on. EVERYONE gets responsibilities, no one is ever in charge of 'watching' someone else.

[Anonymous]

I have three (MS, ES, preschool). We both work - one big career and one more flexible one (me). I don't feel overwhelmed. We put a strong focus on academics and activities. Also, behavior toward adults and other kids. We don't care much about bedtime and food (except for kids not to be overweight). The house is pretty neat but that's on us/hired help; children are off the hook mostly.

[Anonymous]

To add - there was not that much change from 2 and 3. It was a pretty seamless transition.

[Anonymous]

I hired a housekeeper 25 hours/wk when my third was about 6 months old. She did all of the house cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, calling about repairs and most of the general maintenance around the house. She stayed with us until my youngest was in second grade when I started having the kids take more of that stuff over themselves.

I am not sure that I could have done it without her. She was so obsessive about things, and she would get really angry if I didn't make the kids clean up after themselves or if we didn't eat the dinner she prepared. I went through some really tough times during those years, and she kept everything in the house ticking and kind of forced me to go through the motions of family meals, maintaining my home, and disciplining my children. I was so lucky to have her in my life.