Husband is cluttered and not organized, spilling over to child, and I'm stressed

[Anonymous]

I do think you need someone else to come in and help, because the dynamic is becoming you against them. You might need a family therapist for a short time. This will pay off. You will have to tell your husband that you are so stressed by life right now (don’t say it’s the clutter, or he will be defensive and not go). Say you need help and that you want the family to help you with seeing a therapist for a few sessions.

[Anonymous]

Just some hugs, OP. I am in nearly the same exact same situation. They (DH and DS) will open the fridge, can't find what they were looking for, and when I open the door it is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM ON THE EYE LEVEL SHELF.

For things like sunglasses, it's not my problem anymore. I gave up. I only help look for important things. I also do what you do with your DH's junk bin and I am ruthless with it. Anything that is in the way (like on the kitchen counter) gets thrown in there whether it's valuable or not, dirty or not, likely to be used soon or not.

[Anonymous]

OP whenever your son asks where something is your reply should be "where ever you left it." No further discussion.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's personality. You can't control it. You might control the environment, somewhat, around you while both of them are living with you. But you are not "teaching" anything here. Nothing that will stick. Your son will be who he will be.

[Anonymous]

There is a book called something like "home organizing for ADHD." It is very clear that the "before" and "after" pictures are not going to be Pintrest worthy, but it does help in thinking about systems that work with an ADHD brain. I still need help turning those ideas into systems in my own home.

Where are people finding good professional organizers in this case?

[Anonymous]

Sending you sympathy. I am a fairly neat person (let's say 8/10) married to someone who is more like 3/10 and it drives me absolutely insane. Second the comment about just throwing out things left on, say, the dining room table - I generally just announce I will do it at X time and then I do it. I definitely threw out a worksheet one kid needed last week and I DON'T CARE - he's not going to leave it on the counter overnight again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that stood out from your post: it would have been better to have made your 10 yo look for his sunglasses that he misplaced.

I did. And I do that regularly. And typically I do tell him I can't help him when he knows he's supposed to put them away properly.

I don't know why I stepped in today.

Just hearing him ask for my help triggered anxiety because I feel like I am failing at teaching him this life skill, and I worry it will be impossible to do so with his dad disrespecting the process.

I suspect that, with your son, you're struggling against your husband's genetics a lot more than with issues related to his respect of the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just some hugs, OP. I am in nearly the same exact same situation. They (DH and DS) will open the fridge, can't find what they were looking for, and when I open the door it is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM ON THE EYE LEVEL SHELF.

For things like sunglasses, it's not my problem anymore. I gave up. I only help look for important things. I also do what you do with your DH's junk bin and I am ruthless with it. Anything that is in the way (like on the kitchen counter) gets thrown in there whether it's valuable or not, dirty or not, likely to be used soon or not.

SAME, except I have three sons like this AND a husband who enables their bullshit, because he's the same way. I let all of them have junk bins, and I ruthlessly cull those suckers. The bins are usually full of actual trash. If something seems important, I'll lay it out and ask if they need to keep it or not and, if they're keeping it, it has to go away - not in the junk bin, a different junk bin, the counter, the floor, etc. I can't believe the amount of crap they accumulate on a daily basis, and because they have so much crap and don't ever put it away where it belongs, they can never find anything. So, like others, I refuse to help them look. You want to live in a cluttered mess? Reap the consequences.

[Anonymous]

What can you do? I'd get your dh medicated for ADHD and start forcing him to clean up.

My DH also has ADHD and I've just accepted it. He's a wonderful husband and dad, but he's like the forgetful professor. I'm super organized and everything is just immaculate. I just decided long ago that I'd clean up after DH nonstop. I had a bad few years when my kids were too little to clean up and there were 4 other people I was cleaning up for, but now I have my kids cleaning up their messes and organizing too. DH also has the bin for his wallet, sunglasses, pens out of his pockets, but he too can't make his stuff go there. So I just carry his stuff to that bin every day. At least he knows where it is. He's made a lot of progress over the years- he creates lists and checks them off, makes sure to look back to see if he forgot anything every time he leaves a taxi/table/hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that stood out from your post: it would have been better to have made your 10 yo look for his sunglasses that he misplaced.

I did. And I do that regularly. And typically I do tell him I can't help him when he knows he's supposed to put them away properly.

I don't know why I stepped in today.

Just hearing him ask for my help triggered anxiety because I feel like I am failing at teaching him this life skill, and I worry it will be impossible to do so with his dad disrespecting the process.

I suspect that, with your son, you're struggling against your husband's genetics a lot more than with issues related to his respect of the process.

Am in the same boat and I and the doctors involve agree it is VERY difficult to tease out environmental factors (loose goosy parent, parents arguing, bad habits in the household) and executive functioning deficiencies, and how to treat. Having one parent who he himself a needs prompting in order to prompt a developing child (to turn in homework, to shower, to brush teeth) is not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At my house if something isn’t in it’s place it gets thrown out. No, not a winter coat or backpack but sunglasses, yes. If you aren’t responsible enough to put it up, you aren’t responsible enough to own it.

This is what you have to do. Half of keeping a clean house is declutering and getting rid of things you’re not using.

[Anonymous]

My mom and dad have this except reverse genders. They don’t really have a solution, but basically my mom has “clutter” spaces and keeps the public spaces clear. They enforce this through my dad getting really grumpy which is not ideal. I would ask a counselor to help you figure out the rules but also how, if you’re the only one who cares, you can enforce them without having to constantly hound him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and dad have this except reverse genders. They don’t really have a solution, but basically my mom has “clutter” spaces and keeps the public spaces clear. They enforce this through my dad getting really grumpy which is not ideal. I would ask a counselor to help you figure out the rules but also how, if you’re the only one who cares, you can enforce them without having to constantly hound him.

Same here.

Sadly the ONLY actual “consequence” to date for the dysfunctional parent, who basically continues to do whatever they want, is the other parent gets angry.

After a few years of that and some lawyer consults it’s basics a game of Divorce Chicken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my house if something isn’t in it’s place it gets thrown out. No, not a winter coat or backpack but sunglasses, yes. If you aren’t responsible enough to put it up, you aren’t responsible enough to own it.

This is what you have to do. Half of keeping a clean house is declutering and getting rid of things you’re not using.

Exactly. Smaller house, less stuff, less trips, easy schedule/ not a lot of activities. Basically slash your quality of life and have a simple simple life.

[Anonymous]

Nobody needs sunglasses. If he can’t find them, too bad.

I’d also just put all the junk in a box in the basement or attic. Or, send it to goodwill. If you can’t keep track of your stuff, you don’t get to keep it.