Shattered trust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did your teen do?

Lied about were they are, drugs, alcohol.

Were they driving under the influence? Were opiates involved? There would be significant consequences either way but the details (and timeframe) would depend on those things.

No driving, doesn’t have a car. I was told only drinking and marijuana but who knows if that’s the whole truth.

The biggest risk here is driving under the influence. Your kid didn’t do that. 18 year olds drink and use drugs sometimes. While he’s in your house you can do what you can to limit that, but he’ll do it as soon as he leaves for college.

For occasional use that makes sense but if a parent doesn’t want to bankroll a few hundred thousand dollars worth of undergrad for a stoner I say more power to them!

[Anonymous]

Oh this is so hard. I was very very close to my DD and had a really hard time when I found out she was bulimic and even though I had heard her purging with my own ears, she refused to admit it, flat out lying to me. She has also done the same with vaping. I have found evidence several times but she swears she does not. I’m not stupid I believe my eyes and ears but oh it was so hard to know that she’d just lie to my face about something so important.

Unfortunately while I love her unconditionally, I know she lies to me and that hurts. I’ve always told her she could tell me anything, no judgement but clearly she does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is so hard. I was very very close to my DD and had a really hard time when I found out she was bulimic and even though I had heard her purging with my own ears, she refused to admit it, flat out lying to me. She has also done the same with vaping. I have found evidence several times but she swears she does not. I’m not stupid I believe my eyes and ears but oh it was so hard to know that she’d just lie to my face about something so important.

Unfortunately while I love her unconditionally, I know she lies to me and that hurts. I’ve always told her she could tell me anything, no judgement but clearly she does not.

Yes, I am mostly upset and sad about the continuous lying.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean to be DCUM snippy here, but I would almost say you’re lucky that this is the first time you’ve had shattered trust and they’re at the end of their high school year and 18. I feel like this started so much earlier for us and it’s been a long long long two years. At this point, I would advise using questions in conversation over simply punishment and consequences. I wish I had done more of that honestly. As they launch into college they’re gonna have to be deciding these things for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Druggies lie. Deal with the drugs, not the lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is so hard. I was very very close to my DD and had a really hard time when I found out she was bulimic and even though I had heard her purging with my own ears, she refused to admit it, flat out lying to me. She has also done the same with vaping. I have found evidence several times but she swears she does not. I’m not stupid I believe my eyes and ears but oh it was so hard to know that she’d just lie to my face about something so important.

Unfortunately while I love her unconditionally, I know she lies to me and that hurts. I’ve always told her she could tell me anything, no judgement but clearly she does not.

Yes, I am mostly upset and sad about the continuous lying.

It seems you are taking the lying as a sign that she doesn’t love you or doesn’t trust you? Or both? But neither are true.

I do hope that my own 17 yr old will come to me when there is something she is dealing with but I can also recognize she is her own person and she gets to not share every single aspect of her every day life. I expect at some she is going to try alcohol and possibly pot or something else. I have stressed why it’s not a good idea, never get in a car and all those things. And since she will be 18 in the fall I have started mentioning that getting caught when she is with her friends will be different for her as a legal adult vs some of her friends. I also know bc we are close that she would be upset and embarrassed to have to admit these to me. No one wants to admit their mistakes to people they love and then feel and see their hurt. It’s human nature not a flaw in parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is so hard. I was very very close to my DD and had a really hard time when I found out she was bulimic and even though I had heard her purging with my own ears, she refused to admit it, flat out lying to me. She has also done the same with vaping. I have found evidence several times but she swears she does not. I’m not stupid I believe my eyes and ears but oh it was so hard to know that she’d just lie to my face about something so important.

Unfortunately while I love her unconditionally, I know she lies to me and that hurts. I’ve always told her she could tell me anything, no judgement but clearly she does not.

OP, does it put in better perspective for you that a young woman with a self image/ self esteem problem is also fundamentally in denial, lying to herself and deeply struggling.

I suggest you read the book, " dying to be perfect"

The way out is for her to get busy doing things that build back her self- esteem. The rest will fix itself. Not, the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did your teen do?

Lied about were they are, drugs, alcohol.

This is entirely developmentally appropriate for a HS senior. No need for so much drama. Just consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Druggies lie. Deal with the drugs, not the lying.

ALL TEENS LIE.

Marijuana is not a hard drug. Treat it like alcohol. Yes both are illegal for an 18 year old, HS/College doesn't matter on that.

Important part is that they are never ever driving while impaired. I'd take car privileges away, and make sure they have access to Uber (moving forward, after the punishment is over). Stress the importance of calling an Uber/Lyft/sober friend rather than ever driving or getting in the car with an impaired driver. You can suggest that they call you, but my experience is that most teens will not call their parents for a ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read an article (sorry don't have it handy) which claims that lying can be developmentally appropriate for teens just as it is for toddlers.
They're likely to do it with parents who are overly controlling, or who freak out easily, or to protect friends...

It's possible that the worst thing you can do is make a huge deal of it.

That BS again.

The homes where kids were given full freedom and parents never checked on them were the kids I knew in HS that were out of control with substance abuse issues and promiscuity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read an article (sorry don't have it handy) which claims that lying can be developmentally appropriate for teens just as it is for toddlers.
They're likely to do it with parents who are overly controlling, or who freak out easily, or to protect friends...

It's possible that the worst thing you can do is make a huge deal of it.

That BS again.

The homes where kids were given full freedom and parents never checked on them were the kids I knew in HS that were out of control with substance abuse issues and promiscuity.

Lying means they know what they are doing is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive been there. I told them I was disappointed and they lost a lot of the freedom they had (not 18 yet) but I made a point of letting them know there was a path back and the reasons why the rule-breaking was serious, in our case it was a safety issue.

Our teen (16) revealed to me that they’d tried vaping at about 14. She hadn’t liked it and didn’t do it again. I decided not to punish her as she’d made the healthy choice longer term and confided in me. Not sure what I’d have done had we discovered it in the moment. My dad died of lung related illness from smoking and her sibling and I have asthma so we are clear about how unhealthy it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read an article (sorry don't have it handy) which claims that lying can be developmentally appropriate for teens just as it is for toddlers.
They're likely to do it with parents who are overly controlling, or who freak out easily, or to protect friends...

It's possible that the worst thing you can do is make a huge deal of it.

That BS again.

The homes where kids were given full freedom and parents never checked on them were the kids I knew in HS that were out of control with substance abuse issues and promiscuity.

This post is full of projection.

Not freaking out when kids lie is different than not parenting. You can parent and have consequences without freaking out that your kids lie.