Shattered trust
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
How do you learn to trust your teen (18) again when you discover they have been lying to you?
I feel heartbroken and l don’t know how I can trust them again. |
Anonymous
|
Teens lie. Anyone who thinks theirs doesn't, just hasn't caught their teen yet.
Tell them, firm and friendly, not yelling, that you are disappointed, and they will have to build back trust- that they had it, have lost it, and will have to build it back up. And give an appropriate, logical consequence. Ours said they were going to xx place, and were busted at yy place where they we're specifically told not to go, and then lied about it. The consequence was they could not go anywhere for a month except school and approved activities (sport, religous school, etc.). |
Anonymous
| Ive been there. I told them I was disappointed and they lost a lot of the freedom they had (not 18 yet) but I made a point of letting them know there was a path back and the reasons why the rule-breaking was serious, in our case it was a safety issue. |
Anonymous
| What exactly did your teen do? |
Anonymous
| You’ll naturally feel less hurt over time I would focus on how you will stop whatever happened from happening again (if indeed it needs to be stopped.) don’t listen to the people who say the kid is 18 so you have no power. Lots of 18 year olds are entirely dependent in a logistical and financial sense and you absolutely have leverage if the kid wants to continue that set up. However, I would only make use of that leverage for truly consequential matters (as in threat to life and limb or a serious moral failing.) |
Anonymous
Lied about were they are, drugs, alcohol. |
Anonymous
Senior in high school or college student? If he’s still in high school, then consequences as you see fit. They lose the car. Grounded. If they’re in college, honestly not a big deal and not much you can or should do. |
Anonymous
Were they driving under the influence? Were opiates involved? There would be significant consequences either way but the details (and timeframe) would depend on those things. |
Anonymous
|
HS senior.
|
Anonymous
|
I just read an article (sorry don't have it handy) which claims that lying can be developmentally appropriate for teens just as it is for toddlers.
They're likely to do it with parents who are overly controlling, or who freak out easily, or to protect friends... It's possible that the worst thing you can do is make a huge deal of it. |
Anonymous
No driving, doesn’t have a car. I was told only drinking and marijuana but who knows if that’s the whole truth. |
Anonymous
Drugs are a huge deal, but you have to understand that some are more addictive than others. Your child needs to know that drugs like cocaine are sometimes laced with fentanyl. It’s a scary world when it comes to drugs now. All college kids lie to their parents about casual drug use. I did and so did everyone I know. No one says, yeah we tripped on mushrooms Friday night! |
Anonymous
This is true… I’m assuming the kid used marijuana. If it’s harder drugs then get them into a treatment center…. But if it’s pot, meh. |
Anonymous
The biggest risk here is driving under the influence. Your kid didn’t do that. 18 year olds drink and use drugs sometimes. While he’s in your house you can do what you can to limit that, but he’ll do it as soon as he leaves for college. |
Anonymous
| I’d keep closer tabs on their location and have them do some reading about the effects of regular marijuana use in adolescents specifically. Let them know you don’t think it’s a good idea for teens but if they do it anyway less is better and older is better for their brain. |