is saying you are joking a form of gaslighting?

[Anonymous]

Where did you go, person 2??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you go, person 2??

They left because they weren’t getting the answers they wanted.

[Anonymous]

It can be, but I don’t think it’s gaslighting in this situation. A better example is cutting down and making fun of your partner in front of others, and when they get upset saying “I was just joking!”

In your scenario it sounds like Person 1 was really concerned over the call, tried to express their feelings, and Person 2 made it all about themselves. So to cover up feeling dismissed, Person 1 pretended they were joking.

Person 2 sounds like a jerk, and should have made the call themselves if it was that important. But it’s hard to tell without context. Big difference between, say, Person 1 calling to make a doctors appointment for 2, or 1 calling to end things with their affair partner. But just from what you provided, no, it doesn’t sound like gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be, but I don’t think it’s gaslighting in this situation. A better example is cutting down and making fun of your partner in front of others, and when they get upset saying “I was just joking!”

In your scenario it sounds like Person 1 was really concerned over the call, tried to express their feelings, and Person 2 made it all about themselves. So to cover up feeling dismissed, Person 1 pretended they were joking.

Person 2 sounds like a jerk, and should have made the call themselves if it was that important. But it’s hard to tell without context. Big difference between, say, Person 1 calling to make a doctors appointment for 2, or 1 calling to end things with their affair partner. But just from what you provided, no, it doesn’t sound like gaslighting.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

I really hate “I was joking!” as a defense because it’s such an easy way to avoid accountability for things you say. But it bothers me more when someone uses it to get out of being held responsible for something hurtful. Like to me the classic example is making fun of someone in a personal way (i.e. appearance, background, the way they talk, intelligence, etc.) and then when they see that it’s hurtful to say, “oh I was just joking.”

I specifically dislike this because it doesn’t matter if you were joking in this case. You were being unkind. The proper response when called on it is “I’m sorry, I should not have said that.”

But it sounds like your exact situation is about hyperbole, and I don’t think that’s as bad. You had an argument, they used hyperbole to make a point, it didn’t work so they said they were joking. Not a huge deal IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person 1: (seriously stating) I do not want to make this phone call, I abhor it.

Person 2: Well it's important and something we have to do for our future.

Person 1: It's easy for you to say, you don't have to call. ( sort of starts digging into the fact that I don't have to do this particular task)

Person 2: We've spoken about the importance of it many times. It's making me feel like you are not valuing the big decision and it's importance.

Person 1: What if ( inserts a neg outcome) of the call?

Person 2: Provides a more rational response with a couple lesser dramatic results.

Person 1: I was just joking, I don't know why you are getting heated. Starts to leave the room!!

Get a life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate “I was joking!” as a defense because it’s such an easy way to avoid accountability for things you say. But it bothers me more when someone uses it to get out of being held responsible for something hurtful. Like to me the classic example is making fun of someone in a personal way (i.e. appearance, background, the way they talk, intelligence, etc.) and then when they see that it’s hurtful to say, “oh I was just joking.”

I specifically dislike this because it doesn’t matter if you were joking in this case. You were being unkind. The proper response when called on it is “I’m sorry, I should not have said that.”

But it sounds like your exact situation is about hyperbole, and I don’t think that’s as bad. You had an argument, they used hyperbole to make a point, it didn’t work so they said they were joking. Not a huge deal IMO.

Agree. When I was younger (under 24 or 25) and more insecure I would tease ... but in retrospect I realize it really was a way to put somebody down to make myself feel better about myself. Luckily, I grew up and I now try to be kind and not tease in a way that might hurt people. The "I was just joking" is even more extreme ... it is going out of your way to put somebody down, and then saying it didn't mean anything (it is also gaslighting, yes).

I don't think OP's example can be determined, however.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like gaslighting to me. It sounds like they're having anxiety over making a call, and the other person wasn't supportive. Even if it's something necessary, you can boost and validate your partner with better results. I personally hate talking on the phone. I'd rather speak in person, text or email. I know sometimes I have to call, but if I express discomfort about having to call, I would hope my partner or friend would be more supportive. That's how I would've tried to handle it as person 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person 1: (seriously stating) I do not want to make this phone call, I abhor it.

Person 2: Well it's important and something we have to do for our future.

Person 1: It's easy for you to say, you don't have to call. ( sort of starts digging into the fact that I don't have to do this particular task)

Person 2: We've spoken about the importance of it many times. It's making me feel like you are not valuing the big decision and it's importance.

Person 1: What if ( inserts a neg outcome) of the call?

Person 2: Provides a more rational response with a couple lesser dramatic results.

Person 1: I was just joking, I don't know why you are getting heated. Starts to leave the room!!

Just a bad choice of words. Used “joking” instead of “catastrophizing” or “exaggerating.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person 1: (seriously stating) I do not want to make this phone call, I abhor it.

Person 2: Well it's important and something we have to do for our future.

Person 1: It's easy for you to say, you don't have to call. ( sort of starts digging into the fact that I don't have to do this particular task)

Person 2: We've spoken about the importance of it many times. It's making me feel like you are not valuing the big decision and it's importance.

Person 1: What if ( inserts a neg outcome) of the call?

Person 2: Provides a more rational response with a couple lesser dramatic results.

Person 1: I was just joking, I don't know why you are getting heated. Starts to leave the room!!

OP, if you are person 1, you seem like a d-bag omitting why you are pressuring Person 2 to call instead of doing it yourself. What's the context?

[Anonymous]

Could person 2 have made the call? If so then they aren't a very supportive partner if person 1 really didn't want to make the call.

Person 2 was very dismissive of person 1's feelings, almost talking to them like a child.

Person 1 tried to brush it off as joking as they can't really express their true emotions to person 2 as they get shut down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hate “I was joking!” as a defense because it’s such an easy way to avoid accountability for things you say. But it bothers me more when someone uses it to get out of being held responsible for something hurtful. Like to me the classic example is making fun of someone in a personal way (i.e. appearance, background, the way they talk, intelligence, etc.) and then when they see that it’s hurtful to say, “oh I was just joking.”

I specifically dislike this because it doesn’t matter if you were joking in this case. You were being unkind. The proper response when called on it is “I’m sorry, I should not have said that.”

But it sounds like your exact situation is about hyperbole, and I don’t think that’s as bad. You had an argument, they used hyperbole to make a point, it didn’t work so they said they were joking. Not a huge deal IMO.

Agree. When I was younger (under 24 or 25) and more insecure I would tease ... but in retrospect I realize it really was a way to put somebody down to make myself feel better about myself. Luckily, I grew up and I now try to be kind and not tease in a way that might hurt people. The "I was just joking" is even more extreme ... it is going out of your way to put somebody down, and then saying it didn't mean anything (it is also gaslighting, yes).

I don't think OP's example can be determined, however.

+1 Another reason "I was joking" in that context is particularly annoying is that it sets up the other person to look humorless if they are still upset by the "teasing". So say someone makes fun of how big your nose is, and you look hurt, and they say "Oh, I was just joking." Depending on the social environment (and often the social status of the "joker", like if they are the boss or otherwise in a socially advantageous situation), there may be pressure for you to laugh it off and move on. But if what they said was really hurtful, it can be hard to move on without an actual apology. So you are stuck between two crummy options -- laugh at the "joke" at your expense, or refuse to laugh it off and risk looking like you can't take a joke. That's what makes it feel like gaslighting.

I think OP's case really depends on whether it creates the same problem. If Person 2's language and behavior was somehow hurtful or insulting to Person 1, then the "I was just joking" may actually be akin to gaslighting if it creates pressure on Person 1 to laugh about behavior that is actually objectively bad. But if Person 2's behavior is merely annoying, or if the main issue is that Person 1 just disagrees with the example Person 2 is using, then there's no difficulty for Person 1 even after "I was joking" -- she can continue to just disagree as she was before. She's not being kind of lured into agreeing with Person 2 in order to save face or maintain social status.

[Anonymous]

Post and runs are so lame.

[Anonymous]

I’m just joking is a bullying tactic.

[Anonymous]

Not gaslighting. People seems incompatible and have bad communication. Good luck!