Radical honesty

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes, I feel often like I cannot express my feeling about things with my parents, especially when it involves them. I would not actually say the thing I wrote about the pool, I was just fantasizing about it. I think about the actress Lena Dunham and how she seems like such an unpleasant person because she says exactly what she feels. Like I said, she comes across as an un pleasant person I would never want to befriend. That’s why i was asking in my original post if there is a kind way to do this. I think my restaurant example went really well, actually. I want to do more of that. At the pool, I could say I need some quiet time. ThTs probably what I’ll do. We spend plenty of time together on this vacation but inevitably by asking my several times if I “want” to join her, I end up feeling guilt when I don’t. I realize the guilt in entirely my own problem. I don’t know how to let go of that either.

[Anonymous]

Need time by yourself? Put your headset on and tell your mom you are listening to a podcast, book on audio, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if you’re ready for a taste of your own medicine, I suppose!

^^^

People that spin silly terms like "brutally honest" or "radical honesty" often come across as just wanting to be rude, but only want to give it not receive.

No i do not "practice radical honesty" with my 80 year old mom. I cherish every day I get with her. If she's asking something over and over again like that (pool).... yeah I don't know what I'd do in that exact situation since I don't sit away from the family on vacations (?) but I do try more than I used to, to politely, softly stop the repeat questioning. "No mom this restaurant choice really is fine. It'll be fine. Let's go eat!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, I feel often like I cannot express my feeling about things with my parents, especially when it involves them. I would not actually say the thing I wrote about the pool, I was just fantasizing about it. I think about the actress Lena Dunham and how she seems like such an unpleasant person because she says exactly what she feels. Like I said, she comes across as an un pleasant person I would never want to befriend. That’s why i was asking in my original post if there is a kind way to do this. I think my restaurant example went really well, actually. I want to do more of that. At the pool, I could say I need some quiet time. ThTs probably what I’ll do. We spend plenty of time together on this vacation but inevitably by asking my several times if I “want” to join her, I end up feeling guilt when I don’t. I realize the guilt in entirely my own problem. I don’t know how to let go of that either.

Kudos to you, OP, for clearly shutting down the waitress situation. You must release any guilt about stating your needs, and learn to own and state your preferences. Telling someone you need quiet time is not rude, it's stating a need. Personally, I do find it rude to separate myself too much when on vacation, but there are times I need space so I ask for it! "I need a bit of quiet time to recharge and am going to read by the pool, but let's chat later."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this just an excuse to be an a-hole? Sometimes it's OK to just let things go. Maybe practice radical forgiveness

This. Whenever I hear people brag about being honest all the time, I know I’m dealing with someone who’s all about themselves and probably has zero empathy.

OP has a right to manage her relationships, but an adult uses diplomacy and psychology, not nukes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the waitress rude and unpleasant or simply busy? My reaction would have been to say, “ How is your complaining helping the situation?” “Let’s either have all the food packed up to-go or stop complaining”. Your other option is to not vacation with them. Some people don’t do well on vacation with a bunch of other people.

+1 You can do this kindly and/or with humor. You can also just say it's time to change the subject.