Radical honesty

[Anonymous]

Is anyone able to practice radical honesty, kindly, With their parents? I realized this week on family vacation that I would like to do that more often. We had one example this week where we were dining out with my parents and they were going on and on and on about how the waitress was so rude and unpleasant. Normally I’d be embarrassed by this and try to tune it out, maybe go to the bathroom and hope they were done with it when I returned. But instead, and probably because my kids were with me, I very calmly and matter of factory said, “please stop talking about this. It is very rude to discuss at the table.” They were taken aback but stopped immediately. Why can’t I do this all the time. My parents are so amazingly inconsiderate ALL THE TIME but I just let it slide and resent it and spend little time with them. What if I could spend time with them on my terms. Is that even possible?

[Anonymous]

Well, there was an experiment a while ago. During a meeting everybody was encouraged to say loudly and freely what they thought was bad about the other participants. The meeting ended with everybody crying and being resentful. I think it is ok to give your parents feedback about what you find annoyng or unfair but if you do it bluntly or in a very rude way it may backfire on the long run

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t mean unprovoked honesty. Like I’m still on vacay and my mom had asked me several times if I want the pool chair next to hers. I am purposefully sitting on the opporite side of the pool. I keep making up excuses to decline. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just say “I feel like relaxing today and I can’t do that with you right next to me because you talk too much”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, there was an experiment a while ago. During a meeting everybody was encouraged to say loudly and freely what they thought was bad about the other participants. The meeting ended with everybody crying and being resentful. I think it is ok to give your parents feedback about what you find annoyng or unfair but if you do it bluntly or in a very rude way it may backfire on the long run

That’s not radical honesty that’s called brutally honest

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t mean unprovoked honesty. Like I’m still on vacay and my mom had asked me several times if I want the pool chair next to hers. I am purposefully sitting on the opporite side of the pool. I keep making up excuses to decline. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just say “I feel like relaxing today and I can’t do that with you right next to me because you talk too much”?

Well, no. That would be hurtful.

Also, you shouldn't scold other adults like you did at the table.

I don't think this is "radical honesty." I think you were just being a nasty individual. Of course they were shocked.

Remember, what you say an how you say it both matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t mean unprovoked honesty. Like I’m still on vacay and my mom had asked me several times if I want the pool chair next to hers. I am purposefully sitting on the opporite side of the pool. I keep making up excuses to decline. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just say “I feel like relaxing today and I can’t do that with you right next to me because you talk too much”?

That’s brutally honest and lacks empathy.

I need time to myself today so I’m going to sit on the other side of the pool.

You need to stop thinking in your head “it’s normal” to sit in the other side of a pool when you are vacationing with somebody. It’s something you want, that’s okay, you can express it, but stop blaming others. Own your own needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t mean unprovoked honesty. Like I’m still on vacay and my mom had asked me several times if I want the pool chair next to hers. I am purposefully sitting on the opporite side of the pool. I keep making up excuses to decline. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just say “I feel like relaxing today and I can’t do that with you right next to me because you talk too much”?

I think you could say that in a slightly less brutal way and still get your point across. Like, “Thanks, I’m fine where I am. I am enjoying some quiet time to myself.”

FWIW, I think your parents’ reaction depends on how they take criticism in general. I had to get radically honest with my family last year. It involved them having to admit they were being hypocritical in their lack of respect for my boundaries. Now my brother and I don’t speak and my mom started talking behind my back about it instead of to my face. It did however improve my relationship with my sister and dad. I feel more at peace with myself than I did before I spoke up, but it did blow up the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It depends on if you’re ready for a taste of your own medicine, I suppose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t mean unprovoked honesty. Like I’m still on vacay and my mom had asked me several times if I want the pool chair next to hers. I am purposefully sitting on the opporite side of the pool. I keep making up excuses to decline. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just say “I feel like relaxing today and I can’t do that with you right next to me because you talk too much”?

That would be so rude and hurtful. She's on vacation with her daughter and wants to talk with her! Instead say "I just want to relax and have some quiet for a half hour, then I'll switch to your side and come chat with you."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your terminology is throwing people off: radical honesty. I think what you are saying is that you want to express and articulate how you are feeling to your parents. You are asking how people express themselves to their parents, right?

You are using the term "radical honesty" because you have been swallowing your truth/feelings/opinions when interacting with your parents. You are the one manipulating your own self for reasons unknown to us - maybe to keep the peace, maybe because you don't like confrontation, etc.

It's ok to share your opinions with your parents but because you have been keeping it all bottled up for so long, it feels "radical" to you. Just start sharing your opinions with your parents but maybe do it kindly. It sounds like you and your parents have a dynamic where one person is right and the other party is wrong, or maybe your parents pick one way and you don't feel like you have the right to pick another way. It's ok for two parties to disagree and discuss it but maybe you don't like having these type of discussions with your parents. That's ok too.

[Anonymous]

Is this just an excuse to be an a-hole? Sometimes it's OK to just let things go. Maybe practice radical forgiveness

[Anonymous]

I've done that for all my adult life, and it has stopped the worst of my parents' racist comments, class prejudices and general petty-mindedness. My cousin has done the same for her parents. I can't stop what they're truly thinking inside, but I really want to impress upon them that SAYING IT OUT LOUD is unacceptable. My parents have stopped making racist remarks, but they still show their petty side regularly, like what you described with the waitress. Now my children are teens and tweens, they don't hesitate to comment too, so my parents are kept in line!!!

[Anonymous]

My mom uses the term "radical honesty" a lot in our family in the context of making sure we all know we have permission to state our real preferences for something without worrying about offending the other person (but not in a mean way). So she will say, "Radical honesty - how do you feel about us doing XXX with your sibling but not with you?" or "Radical honesty - I'm not comfortable with XXX; can we talk about it?" or something like that. In the context of your pool example, I might say to her, "Radical honesty - I just need to relax with some quiet space right now," and I know she would hear that and not be offended.

I don't know how "radical" the honesty is in the way we use it, but it is a helpful thing in our family because it emphasizes that we can be open and honest with each other in a kind and loving way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom uses the term "radical honesty" a lot in our family in the context of making sure we all know we have permission to state our real preferences for something without worrying about offending the other person (but not in a mean way). So she will say, "Radical honesty - how do you feel about us doing XXX with your sibling but not with you?" or "Radical honesty - I'm not comfortable with XXX; can we talk about it?" or something like that. In the context of your pool example, I might say to her, "Radical honesty - I just need to relax with some quiet space right now," and I know she would hear that and not be offended.

I don't know how "radical" the honesty is in the way we use it, but it is a helpful thing in our family because it emphasizes that we can be open and honest with each other in a kind and loving way.

NP here. I like this. Much of postmodern pseudo-psychology progressive jargon sounds like posturing. This on the other hand is low key and practical, and serves to better relationships, not strain them.

[Anonymous]

Was the waitress rude and unpleasant or simply busy? My reaction would have been to say, “ How is your complaining helping the situation?” “Let’s either have all the food packed up to-go or stop complaining”. Your other option is to not vacation with them. Some people don’t do well on vacation with a bunch of other people.