How to respond to daughter dating an older woman

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PP and still think it’s important that your 18 yo daughter WANTS you to meet someone she’s dating. Meet her. Be nice and calm. Quietly look for other other red flags besides her age. Don’t be too judgmental immediately. Your daughter is including you in her life and that is huge.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT be happy about that but I would keep my mouth shut and meet the woman. That's a big age gap. My DS is gay and I wouldn't be thrilled with him dating a 27 year old man when he's 18 years old. Not.at.all.

But, what can you do? Listen, keep your thoughts to yourself, and take a deep breath.

[Anonymous]

Your teen daughter is behind preyed upon and exploited by a much older adult, OP.

This is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she still in high school?

Yes she's a senior

What is a 27yr. old doing "dating" a high schooler???

That speaks volumes about this almost 30yr. old.

I would not be ok at all... and since I'm not then I'm not interested in meeting this almost 30yr. old either!

[Anonymous]

The 27 year old needs to find someone her own age.

[Anonymous]

If this was a 27 year old man dropping off his girlfriend at school, everyone would be outraged and he'd be ridden out of town on a rail. The 27 year old being a woman should make no difference.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird but it’s less dangerous than a 27 year old man. She can’t get pregnant and she is unlikely to be in a domestic violence situation. I dated a guy 5 years older than me for 2 years when I was 18. He treated me well. Was if he immature and not going anywhere in his life? Yes. In retrospect, it was a mistake but I needed to learn that on my own. Eventually, I broke it off.

I agree with others that you need to meet her and find out what you are dealing with. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. If you ban her from seeing her, it won’t work. Just enforce normal limits that you would if she was dating someone her own age.

[Anonymous]

I don't have kids, but I remember what worked for me at that age.

Let your daughter know that you disapprove, use a gentle, polite but firm tone about it. Lay out the reasons why you are concerned. But don't lay down the law and try to prevent her from meeting the woman, tell her instead that you will let her take the right decision. Tell her you are there for her anytime she needs to. Let your conversation convey care more than disapproval. Its a strange age, late teens - you are chafing against parental control, but you still want to know they care. Even if she continues to date her, your words will stay with her and she will know in the back of her head to look out for herself.

Meet the woman, but not at home. I know its the pandemic, but it is getting warm outside, so may be at an outdoor coffee shop. Anywhere you can assess her character easily - your turf, but not your home. Be no-nonsense, but never rude. Get her to talk, more than talking yourself. If you have a gay/lesbian friend you trust, and understands your parental concern - tag them along. The community is small, and if she had any sense, she would preferably know enough to avoid the potential reputational risk.

Good luck and strength to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Queer woman and mom here: I would not be happy about this. Such a huge age gap at those ages and what kind of 27-year-old dates a high school student?! When I was a first-year in grad school I dated a first-year college student and that felt like a big gap (and didn't last). That said, it's so challenging when you disapprove of a relationship. You don't want your daughter to double down just because you say no. I guess I would want to meet the woman just to understand who I was dealing with.

Assuming the older woman seems just immature but not dangerous, I guess I would just tell my kid all the rules we have are still in force while she is in high school and living in my home, ask her opened-ended questions about what her friends think of this situation, encourage her to be future thinking about college, etc., keep having all the conversations we have been having for years about healthy relationships, red flags, how to get out of uncomfortable situations, and consent. Chances are one or both of them will get tired of the weirdness of the situation and limitations on their relationship.

If the older woman seemed like bad news, honestly, I would gather all my old d*ke friends and we would go to her place and have a conversation about how the relationship couldn't continue. But I wouldn't do that unless I thought it was a dangerous situation for my kid.

Another queer woman cosigning this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your teen daughter is behind preyed upon and exploited by a much older adult, OP.

This is not OK.

I don’t think this is a good situation either, but not necessarily this.
I am a member of this community. Given the hundred of queer women I’ve met, it is likely the 27 year old is immature, not a predator.
Agree that OP should meet the woman and get a feel for things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids, but I remember what worked for me at that age.

Let your daughter know that you disapprove, use a gentle, polite but firm tone about it. Lay out the reasons why you are concerned. But don't lay down the law and try to prevent her from meeting the woman, tell her instead that you will let her take the right decision. Tell her you are there for her anytime she needs to. Let your conversation convey care more than disapproval. Its a strange age, late teens - you are chafing against parental control, but you still want to know they care. Even if she continues to date her, your words will stay with her and she will know in the back of her head to look out for herself.

Meet the woman, but not at home. I know its the pandemic, but it is getting warm outside, so may be at an outdoor coffee shop. Anywhere you can assess her character easily - your turf, but not your home. Be no-nonsense, but never rude. Get her to talk, more than talking yourself. If you have a gay/lesbian friend you trust, and understands your parental concern - tag them along. The community is small, and if she had any sense, she would preferably know enough to avoid the potential reputational risk.

Good luck and strength to you!

I basically agree with this but why no meet in mom’s home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Queer woman and mom here: I would not be happy about this. Such a huge age gap at those ages and what kind of 27-year-old dates a high school student?! When I was a first-year in grad school I dated a first-year college student and that felt like a big gap (and didn't last). That said, it's so challenging when you disapprove of a relationship. You don't want your daughter to double down just because you say no. I guess I would want to meet the woman just to understand who I was dealing with.

Assuming the older woman seems just immature but not dangerous, I guess I would just tell my kid all the rules we have are still in force while she is in high school and living in my home, ask her opened-ended questions about what her friends think of this situation, encourage her to be future thinking about college, etc., keep having all the conversations we have been having for years about healthy relationships, red flags, how to get out of uncomfortable situations, and consent. Chances are one or both of them will get tired of the weirdness of the situation and limitations on their relationship.

If the older woman seemed like bad news, honestly, I would gather all my old d*ke friends and we would go to her place and have a conversation about how the relationship couldn't continue. But I wouldn't do that unless I thought it was a dangerous situation for my kid.

Another queer woman cosigning this.

Not queer here but I would get my old d*ke aunt and her friends over as well! LOL.

[Anonymous]

Any 27-year-old that would date a high school senior has something deeply wrong with them. Absolutely not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any 27-year-old that would date a high school senior has something deeply wrong with them. Absolutely not okay.

Ok . But, don’t you think this situation is different on some level?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any 27-year-old that would date a high school senior has something deeply wrong with them. Absolutely not okay.

Ok . But, don’t you think this situation is different on some level?

DP, and I think this and some other opposite sex situations might be different from straight-up predatory older man. But it's still off, and while I wouldn't veto the relationship, I would offer the mildest, least-judgmental version of my concern: Even an 18YO who's very mature and a 27YO who took some time to find their adult footing are in very different places in their lives, so it's not a question of "What does she see in her?" -- I totally get what each of you sees -- but how can you live the life you need to live in a way that includes the other? It's not a great Venn diagram, is my point.