How to respond to daughter dating an older woman

[Anonymous]

My 18 year old daughter came out as bisexual a few years ago and she was dating a boy for most of the pandemic about 3 months ago they broke up and I pretty much immediately busted her for going clubbing which is an obvious no-no during a pandemic and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the first time.

However at some point in this she met a 27 yuppie and they started seeing each other, she's not usually the rebellious type but she had her moment and atleast for now seems to have gotten over it and wants to be on the up and up but now there's this woman in the picture and she wants me to meet her.

Any of the fine people of dcum have any ideas on how to handle this

[Anonymous]

Is she still in high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she still in high school?

Yes she's a senior

[Anonymous]

Say nothing. Be polite, meet the woman. Serve tricuits and a cheese platter and make small talk. Support your daughter, offer advise when asked.

Much much better than an unemployed 27 yr old man who is unemployed and gets her pregnant. And already has a couple kids from another woman.

[Anonymous]

What would you do if it were a 27 yo male?

[Anonymous]

Queer woman and mom here: I would not be happy about this. Such a huge age gap at those ages and what kind of 27-year-old dates a high school student?! When I was a first-year in grad school I dated a first-year college student and that felt like a big gap (and didn't last). That said, it's so challenging when you disapprove of a relationship. You don't want your daughter to double down just because you say no. I guess I would want to meet the woman just to understand who I was dealing with.

Assuming the older woman seems just immature but not dangerous, I guess I would just tell my kid all the rules we have are still in force while she is in high school and living in my home, ask her opened-ended questions about what her friends think of this situation, encourage her to be future thinking about college, etc., keep having all the conversations we have been having for years about healthy relationships, red flags, how to get out of uncomfortable situations, and consent. Chances are one or both of them will get tired of the weirdness of the situation and limitations on their relationship.

If the older woman seemed like bad news, honestly, I would gather all my old d*ke friends and we would go to her place and have a conversation about how the relationship couldn't continue. But I wouldn't do that unless I thought it was a dangerous situation for my kid.

[Anonymous]

I would express strong concern. Someone told me about the half hour age plus seven years rule and I do think it works really well to figure out who is roughly in the same life phase. 27 year old should not be dating anyone younger than 21/22.

I had a friend (male) who started dating a 27 year old at that age. They dated about a decade and then he broke up with her because their lives had gone done such different paths. She was crushed as she was nearly 40 and newly single. There’s something off about a 28 year old wanting to date someone that young. If it’s just a fling, NBD, but if she can’t find someone age appropriate, why? That’s a hard conversation to have with a kid though, as they will hear it as you saying that there’s something wrong with them.

[Anonymous]

I would be very unhappy if my 18-year-old child were dating a 27-year-old. She lives under your roof so you can put the kibosh on this. I hope you do. It’s very inappropriate. What kind of person in their twenties dates a high schooler?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be happy but here is the other side of this, she told you. She’s talking to you about her life. If she’s a senior, she may not be living in your home in a few months.

When I was 19, I dated a 29 yo guy for a while. I was already away at college and my parents didn’t know. It didn’t last but they wouldn’t have approved. I wouldn’t want my kids dating anyone ten years older, if they were 18 and in HS or in college but there’s not much I could do other than keep communication open and say they can’t sleep over under my roof. I would be pleasant to the woman and vent to DH behind closed doors.

Years later, my brother was dating someone significantly older. My parents were very upfront with their disapproval and he ended up moving in with her and not speaking to them for years. That’s the other extreme situation.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is an adult, OP. I am not sure why you think that you can control an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is an adult, OP. I am not sure why you think that you can control an adult.

An “adult” who is still in HS and lives in her home.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I can't get past your description of this person as a yuppie. What does that even mean? And how is it relevant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I can't get past your description of this person as a yuppie. What does that even mean? And how is it relevant?

It comes from the acronym young urban professional, ie 20s out of school working in career job in a city, I just meant it as a way of describing what I knew

[Anonymous]

She’s 18, better hope you raised her right while you had a chance

[Anonymous]

Ugh that's so creepy. A grown adult dating a high school student? Like not even in college age anymore adult. Look she's 18 and technically an adult, but high school?

I mean I went in a couple dates with a 26 grad student when I was 18 but I was at least in college at the time so we were both students. And even then in hindsight it was weird.

I question any adult dating a high school student because of the power imbalance snd also why isn't the person dating people their own age? Big ol red flag.

Plain opposition isn't going to work but I'd have a chat about power imbalance in relationships and how this woman shouldn't be a roadblock to your daughter having a normal teen experience (school, going out with friends, etc). If this woman is doing that, then you need to step in more firmly.