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Former relationships...what if I had married him.
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Anonymous
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23:13 again. To OP re the age thing -- 23 is not necessarily too young. It completely depends on the person. I always knew I wanted to get married; it was an important goal for me; and the right guy and I found each other when I was 19. We got married when I was 23. That was 6 years and one kid ago, and we're still very happy. But we went into it aware that marriage was work -- fun and wonderful and special and supporting and nourishing and also WORK. We also went into it very deeply in love, with lots of things in common, and similar goals and values. And supportive families, which also doesn't hurt.
If someone is 23 and doesn't feel ready to get married, that's a valid position. But if someone is 23 and DOES feel like she's ready to think about marriage and she's found a great guy she wants to think about it with, then I think it's EXTREMELY bad advice to tell her she's too young. Some people are ready at 23, some people aren't ready until 30 or 40, some are never ready; there's no arbitrary age cut-off for marriage readiness. I can't tell you how strongly I feel about that. I hope you're being a supportive aunt. 
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Anonymous
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I've wondered about a certain ex off and on over the years because it ended w/out the type of closure I seem to have needed. My decision to move here 15 years ago came after an argument w/him. I'd been considering a job offer and was frustrated w/the relationship. We were young and had been off and on for many years due to long distances from jobs/grad school.
I became a bit fed up with his, seemingly, inability to make any kind of sacrifice or decision that showed he was committed to the relationship. He was considering another job in a different city that would mean another long distance "off" cycle to our relationship. I finally made the decision to move after we had a long discussion about things, and I moved two days later without telling him. He didn't know about my job offer here. He was the one always leaving me behind, wondering what would happen to the relationship. I felt I needed to take control, so I left. This was prior to cell phone ubiquity, so I really cut him off. My parents didn't tell me for many years that he had called them to find out where I was and they chose not to tell him. At that point, it seemed so childish of me to just leave like that, and I was in a relationship, so I never contacted him again. About once a year I google him and have seen that he lost his brother and parents in recent years, and I feel badly that I ended things so abruptly. Just today, I googled him and found that he's about to get married in a few months. I've been thinking a lot today about how things would've been different if we'd had the technology we have now back then. I'm certain we would've exchanged emails or phone calls to keep in touch. I'm not sure anything would've worked out differently because I've been married for 10 years and he has not - he obviously wasn't ready to commit to much back then. I mainly just feel like I lost a good friend that I would've enjoyed keeping in touch with these past years. |
Anonymous
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My ex is an "ex" for a reason.
Happily married to DH... |
Anonymous
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I agree with OP - it is the 'nice' guys you left that haunt you!
#1 The 'nice' guy - I would be happily married with family, living in an average suburban neighbourhood, nice lifestyle with lots of family and friends, sharing things we both enjoy #2 - I would be a millionaire with homes around the world, expensive cars in the driveway and miserable married to an abusive, alcoholic, cheating husband #3 - I would be a millionaire with designer clothes, fabulous holidays and miserable married to an abusive, workoholic, cheating husband Still looking for Mr Right (REALLY need to improve after #2 and #3)! |
Anonymous
| 23:33 that was touching. |
Anonymous
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23:33:
I don't want to hijack the thread, but since there's no way to message the anonymous posters I wanted to say that I think the fact that you refer to him as a friend you miss is really something that hits a chord with me. I had a very close friend in College and we aren't in touch anymore. I used to refer to him as my "platonic boyfriend" because he basically was just that. My friends would even say we were "dating" but we never actually were and we never even so much as kissed. We did, however, talk on the phone several times a day and spend an enormous amount of time together for about three years. Really, it's probably a big part of the reason neither of us was ever in a serious relationship during that time. We didn't need that emotional support. Anyway, I went away for the summer after my Junior year and ended up with a boyfriend (not someone that important in the long run) and he got jealous and started writing me these longing E-Mails and finally told me he couldn't be my friend anymore "You don't need a platonic boyfriend. You have a real one". That's what he said. Anyway, I think he was in love with me for a long time but was unaware. Honestly, I think I was his backup girl. Like if he found no one else, he'd marry me. The thing is, he once told me he couldn't take me with him to a wedding because he didn't know if his family would like him bringing a "nice Jewish girl" to a family member's wedding. That statement alone is what made me know it would never work. He even told me when he was trying to "woo" me that I wasn't his type but that he found me attractive after knowing me for so long. Wow. How romantic. He cut off things with me and I got back in touch with him later, but I had already met my husband and didn't feel comfortable having a real friendship with him again. He even made a comment to a friend of mine that he would re-enact the end of "The Graduate" at my wedding so it was obviously a good choice that I didn't make friends with him again. He moved to Eastern Europe with the Peace Corps and every time I'd hear from another friend how he was doing....it was totally different than his E-Mails to me. He'd just flat-out lie to me about his life...which I understand I guess. This was a few years after we graduated. Anyway, we've lost touch finally. I still miss him. I honestly still love him. I just never felt I could be in a relationship with him. My husband knows all of this. I feel guilty that I even ever think of another man even though it's not in a romantic way. He's really the most important male relationship I've had besides my husband. He's the only other guy who ever said "I love you" to me and I know he meant it because he really knew me. And he isn't even an "ex". |
Anonymous
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I once dated a man that gave me everything. Just a kind person. My friends at the time must have been jealous and they convinced me to drop him because he seemed desperate. He was not desperate, but rather, he valued good relationships, and was naturally giving. He always had a positive outlook and smiled a lot. He always took my side. It was like being treated like you would on a luxury cruise every day.
I am now happily married, but I met my dh 10 years after him. I could have had 10 extra good years with my ex. I wish that I could tell every woman, when you meet these types of men, just go with it. |
Anonymous
| Wow, from reading most of these posts it sounds like most of you have such wonderful marriages. That's lucky. I think about a certain ex constantly, and I truly believe that I dropped the ball by not staying with him and that I would be much, much happier with him than I am with DH. I feel imprisoned by my decision ten years ago to marry my DH who no longer makes me happy and quite frequently makes me totally miserable (and I'm sure he feels the same about me). I envy you all that appear to have marriages that can weather the storms or apparently don't have storms at all. I guess at the time I married DH I thought he made me happy, but he sure doesn't anymore. One piece of advice I would give to someone considering marriage is that you need to think about more than just "being in love". Make sure you want the same things out of life. Make sure you have the same values regarding raising children. Talk about how you would like your life to look when you have kids. Don't marry a selfish man. |
Anonymous
| PP - I completely agree. I wonder why a lot of men ARE built to be selfish, it seems that a lot of them have that as a default mode. I have not quite worked that one out yet. My best friend (who is married to a wonderful man) once gave me the advice that the most important question you need to ask about the man that you want to marry is simply 'is he kind?'. |
Anonymous
Is there a man out there that is not selfish? I love my DH and would not trade him for one of my ex's, but they were all selfish. If I had stayed with my ex, I would still be living here although I met him somewhere far away. I googled him recently and he lives in MD. I would have one child instead of two, he did not want any. I would have a big house and stable family instead of a traveling husband. He was too nice for me. I would of been mean to him. He was selfish but a dish rag. My personality is too strong for a man like that. My DH is strong, sweet, adventurous and kind. I think I made the right choice. If I ever have to pick again I am going for the gay guy that needs a wife!
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Anonymous
| I have a friend whose husband is so selfish that they have separate accounts and he makes her split the bill when they go out. That's another thread. |
Anonymous
that sounds like my husband.. |
Anonymous
| 15:04 here - that is my DH as well. That's a perfect example of why I think he's selfish. Everything has to be 50/50, and he's always making sure he's not getting "jipped". The ex I often think about would never EVER have been like that. Oh, to be able to go back in time..... |
Anonymous
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I know.. to be able to go back in time.. I never imagined we would ever end up here..
I never imagined a human being would be this selfish.. I have $50 in my account and my DH has more than $50,000+ I am never allowed to take a peak at his account.. I feel very stupid being with this man... I spend my every pay check.. |
Anonymous
| splitting money I dont mind so much - but selfish with time/emotion/physical affection is a different matter. |