Ex-husband keeps telling me he loves me

[Anonymous]

My XH dies this all the time.. cheated

Why? Because I’m amazing, smart, pretty, I cook, I’m fun, I’m caring, I’m in shape at 54 but not so in shape I’m obsessed, I’m a happy person, I’m a good mom, I love sex, I make a lot of money, he loves being around me

He blew it and he knows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a smooth talker and there’s always a big disconnect between what he says and does, o really wouldn’t care nor post this’d. He’d have such a big hole to climb out most rational cheaters wouldn’t bother trying. Maybe saying some BS, yes, but demonstrating it? Hahaha. No.

He bought me a Christmas gift for the first time in years, he finds a reason to text or call almost daily, asks about my family. He's done other things too that I've mostly ignored because I didn't dare want to take any of it too seriously. I see telling an ex maybe once that you love them and leaving it at that, but he's said it quite a few times.

OP, I’ve been in the same position. Now, 15 years later, I can reflect back and see why he did it - 1) wants to believe that he is a good guy, so in his head the fact that he loves me sort of erases the cheating), 2) playing a bit of a game for the kids and everyone else that he is the good guy and I am the bad one that doesn’t reciprocate, 3) wants to stoke his own ego by believing I have feelings for him, 4) trying to lovebomb me the way he did when we were dating in order to get me to do something for him (like reducing child support), etc.

I kept my head screwed on straight and thought about what kind of life I wanted for myself (definitely did not want to be with someone who cheated) and what kind of behavior I wanted to model for my kids. That latter example has become very important as my kids are now dating age and, no surprise, having an emotionally manipulative and unavailable dad has meant that they gravitated toward love bombers. I think each was able to get out of those abusive relationships or draw boundaries because they saw that I did.

One of the problems with my ex’s behavior was that it was a bit like being sexually harassed by a supervisor at work. Although he is not my boss, he does have a significant impact on many areas of my life - financial, and my relationship with my kids. Much like a sexual harasser, I found that when I openly rejected his advances he behaved retributively - jerking me around about money, doing things to me in front of the kids which affected negatively my relationship with them, jerking me around about child custody arrangements.

Ultimately, I learned to set boundaries in subtle physical ways - not inviting him in at pickups or inviting him in but indicating a specific chair and inviting him to sit and wait because kids would be down in a sec and then I would walk away to the kitchen where I “had something on” - or just generally overall grey rocking him. But, TBH, much like enduring sexual harassment at work, it is nerve-racking knowing he could retaliate at any time.

[Anonymous]

So what.

Why care what a liar and manipulator spits out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is he misses the stuff you used to do for him.

Agree. He realized the grass wasn’t greener. If you reconcile, it’ll just be a matter of time before he steps out again.

[Anonymous]

He probably does. And you can acknowledge that. If he says he loves you, say that you understand, but you don't trust him and can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust. You can acknowledge that he loves you, but that you have no intention of getting back together with him due to what he did to you.

[Anonymous]

Op - Interesting feedback. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

1. He’s not getting laid and is bored
2. Life was easier with you around to handle everything

[Anonymous]

Women will never understand that men only love 1 or 2 women outside their mother in their lifetime but they can have sex with hundreds.

[Anonymous]

I say it for two reasons:

1. To mess with her.
2. So she acts less vindictive, and doesn't use the kids against me as much as she otherwise would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine does too. Currently asking me to travel with him in February and move back in with him. He didn’t cheat, he was a Cluster B abuser type.

What's Class B abuser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women will never understand that men only love 1 or 2 women outside their mother in their lifetime but they can have sex with hundreds.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine does too. Currently asking me to travel with him in February and move back in with him. He didn’t cheat, he was a Cluster B abuser type.

What's Class B abuser?

Cluster B = Emotional Abuser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say it for two reasons:

1. To mess with her.
2. So she acts less vindictive, and doesn't use the kids against me as much as she otherwise would.

You must treat everyone like this. To mess with them of course. Cool. Hope your kids pick up that manipulative habit too. Can see why you’re divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The grass wasn’t greener.

Yup.

In a nutshell.

Why did you two divorce?
Do you still love him enough to consider a second try??