Present drama--does anyone else's parents do this?

[Anonymous]

So what does she get if she doesn't get your ideas?

I agree with others that yuohave to stop giving her ideas for things you know you want the kids to have. I also agree with you that means she'll get more dumb things.

But at least that might make you less frustrated?

[Anonymous]

Don't give her any ideas of gifts that the kids really want. Get them yourself. I would just give her ideas such as kids clothing or a gift card to the zoo etc. Then when she turns around and says its too boring just tell her she can buy what she wants as presents.

She's going to continue to be flustered by this every year so just keep your ideas simple and if she gets them they will come in handy and if she doesn't its not going to matter.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope. Either do not give her ideas or give her ideas of things you will not buy and buy what you want to.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened OP, but you need to stop playing the game. Either give her no ideas or give her fake ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just tell my mom that, at most, the kids can have one large and one small gift from each set of grandparents. Or just one large gift! Or two small! But that's tops. What my mom has a tendency to do is just keep clicking "Buy" on random Amazon crap over the course of a month. And yes, she regularly disregards my suggestions when she asks for them and just gets what she wants or something that has nothing to do with them. She just gets into crazy buying mode.

But I've made it clear: one large gift and one small. We know our kids look forward to presents on Christmas, and we're not scrooges. But we try to emphasize the thoughtfulness behind gifts, and try to keep the focus on a smaller number of gifts but make sure they are thoughtful/needed/dearly wanted, so they reflect the love and attention of people in their lives and not simply the acquisition of a mountain of gifts. We had one Christmas early on where both sets of grandparents went overboard, and watching our kids slowly devolve over the course of the morning -- it was like watching them get an intensely hyper sugar rush only worse because it was also hundreds of dollars of gifts and many of them were just junk I knew would barely hold their interest past the day.

So now, if they send more, I let them know that the excess will either go into a closet to be given on another day (birthday, or a first day of school gift, or just a random treat depending on the size of the item), or to a nearby shelter for women and children. It depends on whether the gift is even appropriate for or of interest to my kid. I don't want to give away a gift that my mom picked out that involved some actual thought and care. But many of them don't or are too young or duplicates of something they already have, etc. Those go to charity.

You have to draw firm lines and enforce them.

+1 We have three sets of grandparents and a “one gift rule.” They can get kid anything they want as long as it’s one gift. Two sets follow this. One grandma sends random crap the entire month of December and it disappears… like the “so cute T-shirt” that arrived today that is two sizes too small.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for your replies. I guess I need to choose between giving ideas that I know she will ignore and deal with it or my kids receiving stuff that they don’t want/need and her being on her own but complaining to me that “no one tells her what they want”. That’s my biggest frustration—she complains she doesn’t know what to get, I tell her what to get, she says ok and then doesn’t buy it. Just reject it up front, take my advice or don’t ask at all. But I hate when she acts like I didn’t try to help her (when I absolutely did). There’s just no winning with her.

[Anonymous]

My mom only gets my son one or two things and some cash. Every year she asks what he wants, and she scoffs at everything saying "he'll use it once and get tired of it, he has too many toys!" Ok, here are some book ideas. "Books?! That's no fun." Ok, ohh, how about tickets to the zoo/museum. "No, he can go to the zoo any time!"

This was our conversation the other day.

[Anonymous]

Both sides did this for years. We stopped giving ideas a long time ago because they bought whatever they wanted. The kids are teens now and they still call us months in advance to repeatedly ask what they want. We tell them to call or text the kids directly. MIL bought them completely inappropriate gifts this year, think collectibles in her mind that aren’t actually worth money. She thinks they are with a fortune and likely got scammed. This is what she does. My parents are not speaking to me because they think I won’t let the kids tell them what toys they want. The kids both said they would love money or gift cards to save for a car or go out with friends. My parents want to buy them toys to open up and are angry that they won’t tell them which ones. In the meantime, they are buying and sending them random things from Amazon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for your replies. I guess I need to choose between giving ideas that I know she will ignore and deal with it or my kids receiving stuff that they don’t want/need and her being on her own but complaining to me that “no one tells her what they want”. That’s my biggest frustration—she complains she doesn’t know what to get, I tell her what to get, she says ok and then doesn’t buy it. Just reject it up front, take my advice or don’t ask at all. But I hate when she acts like I didn’t try to help her (when I absolutely did). There’s just no winning with her.

I don’t understand how this is the choice you need to make if, as you say, she really does ignore all your ideas and give them random stuff. Wouldn’t she be giving them random stuff they don’t want/need either way (whether you give her the idea or not)? This year when she makes her snide comments about not knowing what to get just say “I gave you ideas but you didn’t like them.” Then next year when she asks for ideas say “no, you don’t ever like my ideas or get the things I suggest so I’m not going to continue suggesting things.” Then next Christmas she can legitimately say she didn’t know what to get and you can just say nothing. I know that’s not a great solution as it still leaves you feeling annoyed but I don’t think there’s anyway she will change her ways so you just need to accept that she will do what she will do and you can’t control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for your replies. I guess I need to choose between giving ideas that I know she will ignore and deal with it or my kids receiving stuff that they don’t want/need and her being on her own but complaining to me that “no one tells her what they want”. That’s my biggest frustration—she complains she doesn’t know what to get, I tell her what to get, she says ok and then doesn’t buy it. Just reject it up front, take my advice or don’t ask at all. But I hate when she acts like I didn’t try to help her (when I absolutely did). There’s just no winning with her.

It sounds like she doesn’t know how to order things on the Internet. That’s not abnormal for people her age. It’s also possible she has some kind of impairment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every year, my mother asks me what to get the kids for the holidays. My mother tends to WAY overbuy so it's not a matter of giving her 1-2 ideas as she buys them at least 8-10 gifts each. The kids rarely make a list and when they do, they have maybe 5 things on it so not nearly enough to give an idea to everyone and still have things under the tree. Plus, their birthdays are in the fall so when it's list making time, they are just getting past a deluge of birthday gifts.

Anyway, I always keep a separate running list of things that I see throughout the year that I think they will like/want/need. When my mother asks me for the 10th time since August what she should get them, I try to give her ideas--some that they have requested and others that I just think they would enjoy (because I, you know, live with them). She rejects about half of the ides for various reasons (too "dangerous", too practical, whatever) and when she does use one of the ideas, I expect that she will get it. And every year, she will tell me days before Christmas (i.e. today) or sometimes right after we open presents that she didn't get XYZ because she wasn't sure if they'd really want it or need it or use it. EVERY YEAR! And then she makes snide comments about how she bought this or that because she wasn't sure what else to get.

The snide comments make me crazy but it makes me crazier that now, after I've already finished buying and wrapping, they now won't get something that I know they need. Or I have to now scramble to get it 10 days out even though I told her about it two months ago. My MIL is not like this at all--I give her 2-3 ideas, she buys them, the end.

I know, first world problem and I'm just venting. I'm still salty about the gift from last year for me that I told her to buy in September (sent her the exact link where she could order it from) and she didn't buy it because she couldn't figure out the internet. And then they sold out and discontinued the item. Had she told me she didn't buy it, I would have ordered it for myself but now it's too late!

Mom, since you think the things my kids want are too boring and practical then come up with some ideas on your own.

[Anonymous]

This is very annoying. My parents do this to a certain extent. The difference is they wait until mid December to ask for gift ideas. I’m the type to have completed Christmas shopping around thanksgiving time so by the time my parents request a wish list, I’ve already gotten all the things I really want my kids to receive. Luckily this works out pretty well bc it meant that whatever I suggest to my parents is just bonus stuff (things I considered but ultimately decided against in favor of something better ). About half the time they get things I suggested or at least some not as cool/off brand/weird version of the thing I suggested (my dad thinks of himself as a very skilled, creative, thoughtful gift giver when actually he’s terrible at guessing what others may like) The other half the time they ignore my suggestion and pick something completely random that my kids very rarely like. Shrug. We often return or regift or donate the things they give us. And just accept this is the way it is.

You just have to get over it bc she’ll probably never change.

[Anonymous]

I have learned in therapy that some people in my family use gifts as another way to act out their personality disordered insanity. I won't go into details, but I actually never experienced gifts as just little tokens of kindness in my family. In my family it's about control, manipulation, guilt trips, and so much drama. We no longer accept gifts. Even my kids don't want them because they see how insane my family is. We won't accept them. We used to donate it, but most places don't want all the junk. There are too many people who act out their mental illness with dumping heaps of crap on others and expecting all sorts of stuff in return. I no longer even say thank you because we already made it clear we so not want stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

I agree with some version of this. Stop dancing with her since she won't follow the choreography even though she requested the specific dance.

I like this, too. But at a minimum, stop giving her ideas for stuff you really want them to have. Buy those yourself of tell MIL. Tell your mom stuff that if she doesn't get it, no big deal.