Present drama--does anyone else's parents do this?

[Anonymous]

Every year, my mother asks me what to get the kids for the holidays. My mother tends to WAY overbuy so it's not a matter of giving her 1-2 ideas as she buys them at least 8-10 gifts each. The kids rarely make a list and when they do, they have maybe 5 things on it so not nearly enough to give an idea to everyone and still have things under the tree. Plus, their birthdays are in the fall so when it's list making time, they are just getting past a deluge of birthday gifts.

Anyway, I always keep a separate running list of things that I see throughout the year that I think they will like/want/need. When my mother asks me for the 10th time since August what she should get them, I try to give her ideas--some that they have requested and others that I just think they would enjoy (because I, you know, live with them). She rejects about half of the ides for various reasons (too "dangerous", too practical, whatever) and when she does use one of the ideas, I expect that she will get it. And every year, she will tell me days before Christmas (i.e. today) or sometimes right after we open presents that she didn't get XYZ because she wasn't sure if they'd really want it or need it or use it. EVERY YEAR! And then she makes snide comments about how she bought this or that because she wasn't sure what else to get.

The snide comments make me crazy but it makes me crazier that now, after I've already finished buying and wrapping, they now won't get something that I know they need. Or I have to now scramble to get it 10 days out even though I told her about it two months ago. My MIL is not like this at all--I give her 2-3 ideas, she buys them, the end.

I know, first world problem and I'm just venting. I'm still salty about the gift from last year for me that I told her to buy in September (sent her the exact link where she could order it from) and she didn't buy it because she couldn't figure out the internet. And then they sold out and discontinued the item. Had she told me she didn't buy it, I would have ordered it for myself but now it's too late!

[Anonymous]

"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

I agree with some version of this. Stop dancing with her since she won't follow the choreography even though she requested the specific dance.

[Anonymous]

At least she gets gifts. My mom makes promises and gets 1-2 random books that the kids will never read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

I'd amend this a little: "Mom, I gave you X ideas, and you never use any of them. I don't know why you keep asking."

If you do give her ideas, make sure they aren't things that the kids need or really want. Whatever you suggest should be gravy. If she starts rejecting them, say, "Okay, I'm sure whatever you get will be fine." And then refuse to talk about it anymore.

[Anonymous]

You could do what my parents did - my parents bought our gifts and then would tell my grandparents about a few of them and ask which ones they wanted to be from them. My mom had "grandparents" wrapping paper and everything. I didn't find out until I was in high school.

[Anonymous]

You buy the things you want to know your kids are getting. Then you give suggestions that are things they might like, but that you don't have your heart set on them getting.

I get that what she is doing is super annoying, but you don't get to tell other people what to buy. You get to make suggestions. So,, if you're going to be disappointed if she doesn't buy a certain thing, don't suggest it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

I agree with some version of this. Stop dancing with her since she won't follow the choreography even though she requested the specific dance.

Trust me, I have. I literally just told her that exact same thing. And every year, same thing, over and over. The thing is, I do try to give her some gifts that are practical in nature (i.e. a new sleeping bag) because otherwise, she will buy some stupid toy or gadget thing that they will never play with/use. I'm not asking her to buy underpants or socks but they are not little kids anymore so they don't want toys. But apparently what I give her is not "exciting" so she doesn't want to give them that. I've also asked her to give them experience stuff--Dave and Buster's cards, bowling gift cards, etc--but nope, it has to be an actual gift. But she needs 8-10 ideas like this, I don't know what to tell her. It's like a vicious circle of hell.

Honestly, I'm over the fact that she rejects some of the ideas. I'm more pissed that the few ideas that she did find acceptable two months ago, she tells me 10 days before Christmas that she isn't getting. And now it's on me.

[Anonymous]

I just tell my mom that, at most, the kids can have one large and one small gift from each set of grandparents. Or just one large gift! Or two small! But that's tops. What my mom has a tendency to do is just keep clicking "Buy" on random Amazon crap over the course of a month. And yes, she regularly disregards my suggestions when she asks for them and just gets what she wants or something that has nothing to do with them. She just gets into crazy buying mode.

But I've made it clear: one large gift and one small. We know our kids look forward to presents on Christmas, and we're not scrooges. But we try to emphasize the thoughtfulness behind gifts, and try to keep the focus on a smaller number of gifts but make sure they are thoughtful/needed/dearly wanted, so they reflect the love and attention of people in their lives and not simply the acquisition of a mountain of gifts. We had one Christmas early on where both sets of grandparents went overboard, and watching our kids slowly devolve over the course of the morning -- it was like watching them get an intensely hyper sugar rush only worse because it was also hundreds of dollars of gifts and many of them were just junk I knew would barely hold their interest past the day.

So now, if they send more, I let them know that the excess will either go into a closet to be given on another day (birthday, or a first day of school gift, or just a random treat depending on the size of the item), or to a nearby shelter for women and children. It depends on whether the gift is even appropriate for or of interest to my kid. I don't want to give away a gift that my mom picked out that involved some actual thought and care. But many of them don't or are too young or duplicates of something they already have, etc. Those go to charity.

You have to draw firm lines and enforce them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

I agree with some version of this. Stop dancing with her since she won't follow the choreography even though she requested the specific dance.

Trust me, I have. I literally just told her that exact same thing. And every year, same thing, over and over. The thing is, I do try to give her some gifts that are practical in nature (i.e. a new sleeping bag) because otherwise, she will buy some stupid toy or gadget thing that they will never play with/use. I'm not asking her to buy underpants or socks but they are not little kids anymore so they don't want toys. But apparently what I give her is not "exciting" so she doesn't want to give them that. I've also asked her to give them experience stuff--Dave and Buster's cards, bowling gift cards, etc--but nope, it has to be an actual gift. But she needs 8-10 ideas like this, I don't know what to tell her. It's like a vicious circle of hell.

Honestly, I'm over the fact that she rejects some of the ideas. I'm more pissed that the few ideas that she did find acceptable two months ago, she tells me 10 days before Christmas that she isn't getting. And now it's on me.

Stop telling her things that the kids need or really want. Just don't do it. Give her categories of things (drawing supplies, crafting supplies, card/board games, legos, whatever your kids are into), and when she pushes back or whatever, just drop the rope. "I dunno Mom, that's what I've got. I'm all out of ideas." It's not your problem if she buys toys they won't play with. It's not your job to give her 8-10 ideas. If you don't know what to tell her, say that. "I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry you don't like any of the ideas. Good luck!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You never buy the items I actually tell you to get, so now Mom, you're on your own!"

Verbatim.

I agree with some version of this. Stop dancing with her since she won't follow the choreography even though she requested the specific dance.

Trust me, I have. I literally just told her that exact same thing. And every year, same thing, over and over. The thing is, I do try to give her some gifts that are practical in nature (i.e. a new sleeping bag) because otherwise, she will buy some stupid toy or gadget thing that they will never play with/use. I'm not asking her to buy underpants or socks but they are not little kids anymore so they don't want toys. But apparently what I give her is not "exciting" so she doesn't want to give them that. I've also asked her to give them experience stuff--Dave and Buster's cards, bowling gift cards, etc--but nope, it has to be an actual gift. But she needs 8-10 ideas like this, I don't know what to tell her. It's like a vicious circle of hell.

Honestly, I'm over the fact that she rejects some of the ideas. I'm more pissed that the few ideas that she did find acceptable two months ago, she tells me 10 days before Christmas that she isn't getting. And now it's on me.

Why do you need to go out and get your kids more gifts? That part makes no sense to me. I get that this song and dance is annoying. But your kids don’t actually need to have things and it’s not going to ruin anyones day if something you thought they’d like is not under the tree.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes the in-laws do this. You are not alone. The best of intentions then they just kind of get overwhelmed/give up/forget.

[Anonymous]

Don't give her the good ideas!! Just give her some generic ones and tell her to include a gift receipt. DONE.

[Anonymous]

No, but dh's family does, and he's hard to buy for. I say no way, not giving away any good ideas, you're on your own! I would use the same with your mom.

[Anonymous]

You know the drill now. You have to be the one to buy things you want them to have or farm those ideas out to reliable gift givers.

Given that she claims to want ideas, keep an Amazon list for each kid for more random ideas and send her the link every time she asks. That way you can see if she actually does purchase things, and if you or someone else want to make sure they get it, you can purchase it yourself.