Reply to What causes some women to continuously be in abusive, toxic relationships?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For me it was codependency on my end, and a highly skilled abuser. All the love bombing to make me feel special, then he slowly turned up the heat. I never even knew what was happening.

Promises to change, he even did tons of therapy on his own and with me.

So much gaslighting, to the point I didn’t even know what was true and doubted my own sanity. Looking back I was so dumb for buying into it, but at the time, it felt very real. Just as an example, my xH had an amazing memory. He could see a stranger in a store, and recognize them on the street a year later. So if we disagreed on how an event in our marriage occurred (say, how a past disagreement went), he would position himself as the authority since his memory was so good. And even worse, he would come across as concerning. “Babe, your memory is really getting bad and I’m concerned. That’s not how it happened. I think we should get you to a doctor”. When my memory was totally fine.

Getting everybody on his side. Abusers are often extremely charming. After we divorced, everybody sided with him, even my own family. He convinced them I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Also isolated me from the people he knew would be in my corner.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but destroying my self esteem to the point of utter hopelessness. It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t do better - rationally, I knew I could. But I was so beaten down that I couldn’t even get the energy to leave. It’s like, you just feel so bad about yourself, it doesn’t matter what happens. Happiness seems like something so unachievable, may as well stay and just move through life in a daze until you die. [/quote]

OMG - this is my life. I won’t leave because he’s just going to find the narc supply with our eldest. It’s also been described as slow boiling a frog. By the time you realize what is happening, there are children to consider. Nothing would make them happier than your suicide. Goal achieved. I regret being so naive.[/quote]

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