Help me understand shoplifting

[Anonymous]

Love that in a thread titled “help me understand” shoplifting, most posters are ignoring the explanations from former shoplifters that might provide insight in order to shame them.

Not particularly helpful to OP or her son in terms of ending this behavior.

Shoplifting has been understood as a psychological issue for a long time, and most experts agree that the best way to resolve it is to provide therapeutic treatment to address the problem. When you shame and humiliate compulsive shoplifters, it doesn’t stop them (it’s a compulsion, so not something they necessarily choose, though they might retroactively justify it). Instead, they will just conceal it or lie about it because the shame is too intense.

OP, approaching this from a place of trying to understand is really healthy. Best of luck to you and your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) thrill

2) want something and don’t have the money

I know this is weird but when my abusive husband cut me off financially I shoplifted a little at the grocery store. Would “forget” to ring up an item or leave it in the bottom of the cart until past the checkout. I was watching every penny. But it was psychological. Also when I was pregnant and we had no money.

I’ve done this too and was anxious about money. I stopped but it was hard. It’s embarrassing. You’re not alone.

Same. For me it was actually a way to relieve guilt over buying things. Mostly I stole things for my baby— a cute pair of leggings at Target or the organic blueberries that I felt guilty buying because they cost twice as much. Sometimes also things for me, but small things. A cheap lipstick, a warm pair of socks.

For me, I felt less guilt about stealing these things from some big box store that likely had a certain amount of theft built into their business model, than I felt buying them and feeling like I was overspending because money was so tight.

OP is there a reason your son might feel guilt over spending money, or Shane around not being able to afford something? I’d start there.

Stealing is stealing. Don’t try to sugar cost it because it’s Target. The lack of accountability on your part is shameful.

Really rude thing to say. Next time, note the tense the writer is using before responding.

There is nothing rude about calling a thief a thief.

This. These people have lost all touch with reality. What’s next? Can’t call Simone who murdered someone a murderer. If you steal something, you are a thief. No matter the reason. The one abuse story was truly sad. But stealing organic blueberries? Nope, you’re just an entitled thief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love that in a thread titled “help me understand” shoplifting, most posters are ignoring the explanations from former shoplifters that might provide insight in order to shame them.

Not particularly helpful to OP or her son in terms of ending this behavior.

Shoplifting has been understood as a psychological issue for a long time, and most experts agree that the best way to resolve it is to provide therapeutic treatment to address the problem. When you shame and humiliate compulsive shoplifters, it doesn’t stop them (it’s a compulsion, so not something they necessarily choose, though they might retroactively justify it). Instead, they will just conceal it or lie about it because the shame is too intense.

OP, approaching this from a place of trying to understand is really healthy. Best of luck to you and your son.

+1 An SSRI made a huge difference for my' teen that was caught shoplifting. On paper, she's the 'good' teen - good, stable family, seemingly NT, good grades, etc. Therapy has been very helpful but she still felt a lot of pressure, was feeling overwhelmed and the SSRI really helped her through the rough period she was going through. She had no external reason for shoplifting. It was all about what was going on inside. Hugs, OP. I know how hard this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) thrill

2) want something and don’t have the money

I know this is weird but when my abusive husband cut me off financially I shoplifted a little at the grocery store. Would “forget” to ring up an item or leave it in the bottom of the cart until past the checkout. I was watching every penny. But it was psychological. Also when I was pregnant and we had no money.

I’ve done this too and was anxious about money. I stopped but it was hard. It’s embarrassing. You’re not alone.

Same. For me it was actually a way to relieve guilt over buying things. Mostly I stole things for my baby— a cute pair of leggings at Target or the organic blueberries that I felt guilty buying because they cost twice as much. Sometimes also things for me, but small things. A cheap lipstick, a warm pair of socks.

For me, I felt less guilt about stealing these things from some big box store that likely had a certain amount of theft built into their business model, than I felt buying them and feeling like I was overspending because money was so tight.

OP is there a reason your son might feel guilt over spending money, or Shane around not being able to afford something? I’d start there.

Stealing is stealing. Don’t try to sugar cost it because it’s Target. The lack of accountability on your part is shameful.

Really rude thing to say. Next time, note the tense the writer is using before responding.

There is nothing rude about calling a thief a thief.

This. These people have lost all touch with reality. What’s next? Can’t call Simone who murdered someone a murderer. If you steal something, you are a thief. No matter the reason. The one abuse story was truly sad. But stealing organic blueberries? Nope, you’re just an entitled thief.

No one cares what you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) thrill

2) want something and don’t have the money

I know this is weird but when my abusive husband cut me off financially I shoplifted a little at the grocery store. Would “forget” to ring up an item or leave it in the bottom of the cart until past the checkout. I was watching every penny. But it was psychological. Also when I was pregnant and we had no money.

I’ve done this too and was anxious about money. I stopped but it was hard. It’s embarrassing. You’re not alone.

Same. For me it was actually a way to relieve guilt over buying things. Mostly I stole things for my baby— a cute pair of leggings at Target or the organic blueberries that I felt guilty buying because they cost twice as much. Sometimes also things for me, but small things. A cheap lipstick, a warm pair of socks.

For me, I felt less guilt about stealing these things from some big box store that likely had a certain amount of theft built into their business model, than I felt buying them and feeling like I was overspending because money was so tight.

OP is there a reason your son might feel guilt over spending money, or Shane around not being able to afford something? I’d start there.

Stealing is stealing. Don’t try to sugar cost it because it’s Target. The lack of accountability on your part is shameful.

Really rude thing to say. Next time, note the tense the writer is using before responding.

There is nothing rude about calling a thief a thief.

This. These people have lost all touch with reality. What’s next? Can’t call Simone who murdered someone a murderer. If you steal something, you are a thief. No matter the reason. The one abuse story was truly sad. But stealing organic blueberries? Nope, you’re just an entitled thief.

No one cares what you say.

And you think people care what you say? Zero common sense and your DD must be a thief too.

[Anonymous]

It amazes how people try to excuse and normalize stealing. No wonder our society is in a free fall. Truly sad.

[Anonymous]

The kids that I knew growing up and kids of friends who come from affluent backgrounds but still shoplift are usually doing it for attention. They have some problem or issue and they are screaming for attention. The issues vary. In some cases, they are kids whose parents throw money at problems, but don't give their children attention. One family, the parents doted on their children until they became teens and then just got electronics, clothes, expensive gifts and eventually new cars, but did not give much of their time to the kids. The parents felt that they had done their part getting their kids to the teenage years and then the kids could handle themselves. And the kids felt neglected and were screaming for attention.

Other kids had emotional issues and needed attention and help. The parents did not recognize the emotional issues and did not know how to help. The kids acted out. In one case, the kid's best friend passed (I think it was cancer, but I'm not positive) and the kid really needed support and therapy. The parents did not recognize that he needed professional help and tried to reach out and support their son themselves, but he pushed them away. After shoplifting, the parents finally got him the help that he needed. He's now out of college and after years of therapy, he's in a much better place.

So, in my experience and from what I've read, shoplifting by affluent kids is usually a cry for attention or help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) thrill

2) want something and don’t have the money

I know this is weird but when my abusive husband cut me off financially I shoplifted a little at the grocery store. Would “forget” to ring up an item or leave it in the bottom of the cart until past the checkout. I was watching every penny. But it was psychological. Also when I was pregnant and we had no money.

Me, too. Abusive ex who won't pay child support (but is a LAWYER).Often had to sell random things in the house to get money to eat and pay rent. Every once in a while, I had to "forget" something in the basket. But normally I am terrified of shoplifting and have never stolen anything but food for kids.

Honestly, I don't even feel guilty. If the 1-5% aren't going to pay their fair share of taxes, they set the tone. DGAF.

[Anonymous]

Mega problem with my teen and this due to mental health issues and extremely low income. She FINALLY got busted and it was terrifying. I took my damn sweet time to go pick her up. The next day when she was at school, I cleaned her room out, took everything that was stolen and threw away/donated, left only a small selection of clothing and makeup. Pretty much stripped her room and confiscated digital. I got the idea from a woman on here who had an out of control daughter. She is also grounded for two months.

My kids was totally furious for two weeks, it was super hard. Then started calming down. I slowly reintroduced items by having her do a chore or something to "earn" them back. The chores were a mix of easy and medium hard, e.g. watch a movie with me on the sofa (she rarely does that anymore). We would cuddle a bit and the day after I would say, "Great job yesterday, do you want to pick a makeup piece to have back?".

I think stripping her room and all entertainment (I did get a home phone and after ten days let her talk to friends at night - just on the cell phone) was kind of traumatic, but I did hear her say to her psychiatrist that it made things a bit easier in a way.

My DD has ADD and it was diagnosed late, as often happens with girls. She sadly has very low self-esteem as a result. The ADHD meds help a lot, however she has OCD due to her extreme anxiety (I read most OCD is a coping skill for anxiety). DBT therapy is very good, for kids and adults, to learn healthy coping skills. She told me that shoplifting was an OCD behavior, it wasn't just about having no money. Getting caught shook her up, but we'll see how much.

I told her that I will be inspecting her room everyday and whenever I see something stolen, it will be donated or thrown in the garbage. I have a list of things she can do to earn a bit of money.

Lastly, her psychiatrist suggested I sign her up for DC Pass. It's a program for at-risk kids. They get a case worker who comes to check on them 1-3x a week, checks in with teachers/school, etc. Like a mix of a parent, police officer, and big brother/sister. I guess like a nice probation officer. I'm really excited to see how that works out.

In the end, lots of therapy (including group, DBT, etc.) is primordal. Give them a super private, safe space to explore their feelings and learn to communicate better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes how people try to excuse and normalize stealing. No wonder our society is in a free fall. Truly sad.

I'm sorry, all I saw, aside from the posts like yours, people explaining some of the root causes of stealing. Can you point me to the posts excusing and normalizing stealing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes how people try to excuse and normalize stealing. No wonder our society is in a free fall. Truly sad.

I'm sorry, all I saw, aside from the posts like yours, people explaining some of the root causes of stealing. Can you point me to the posts excusing and normalizing stealing?

The closest anyone has come is saying that they don't feel guilty for stealing food for their children when they were poor and in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't feel guilty about that either! That's not normalizing or excusing stealing, it's understanding context. It's far more upsetting that a mother would have to shoplift food for her child than that she stole. These people have no perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes how people try to excuse and normalize stealing. No wonder our society is in a free fall. Truly sad.

I'm sorry, all I saw, aside from the posts like yours, people explaining some of the root causes of stealing. Can you point me to the posts excusing and normalizing stealing?

The closest anyone has come is saying that they don't feel guilty for stealing food for their children when they were poor and in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't feel guilty about that either! That's not normalizing or excusing stealing, it's understanding context. It's far more upsetting that a mother would have to shoplift food for her child than that she stole. These people have no perspective.

This is what Les Miserables was about and why Jean Valjean went to prison for stealing a loaf of bread for a hungry child. The entire question was about whether it should really be a crime and what justice is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes how people try to excuse and normalize stealing. No wonder our society is in a free fall. Truly sad.

I'm sorry, all I saw, aside from the posts like yours, people explaining some of the root causes of stealing. Can you point me to the posts excusing and normalizing stealing?

The closest anyone has come is saying that they don't feel guilty for stealing food for their children when they were poor and in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't feel guilty about that either! That's not normalizing or excusing stealing, it's understanding context. It's far more upsetting that a mother would have to shoplift food for her child than that she stole. These people have no perspective.

This is what Les Miserables was about and why Jean Valjean went to prison for stealing a loaf of bread for a hungry child. The entire question was about whether it should really be a crime and what justice is.

New poster. Yes, it is a crime that you steal organic blueberries and cute leggings for your baby. Give me a break.No one here was starving, just merely entitled. A thief is a thief. Plenty of people cope just fine in difficult circumstances without being an entitled thief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) thrill

2) want something and don’t have the money

I know this is weird but when my abusive husband cut me off financially I shoplifted a little at the grocery store. Would “forget” to ring up an item or leave it in the bottom of the cart until past the checkout. I was watching every penny. But it was psychological. Also when I was pregnant and we had no money.

Me, too. Abusive ex who won't pay child support (but is a LAWYER).Often had to sell random things in the house to get money to eat and pay rent. Every once in a while, I had to "forget" something in the basket. But normally I am terrified of shoplifting and have never stolen anything but food for kids.

Honestly, I don't even feel guilty. If the 1-5% aren't going to pay their fair share of taxes, they set the tone. DGAF.

I assume you are on food stamps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was poor and I wanted things she couldn’t afford.

If somebody shoplifts and has enough things they want, it might be about needing a thrill, as a PP said. My brother was like this. He got caught shoplifting a 2-dollar air freshener when he was an adult.

Some brains just can’t be content with the stimulation around them so they find more somewhere else. This is why people with untreated ADHD are at higher risk for drug/alcohol abuse.

There is also the issue with impulse control, which often stems from lack of mindfulness. If you don’t check in with yourself and realize that what you’re thinking and feeling are okay, you might regularly feel like they aren’t okay and do whatever strikes your fancy to change how you feel.

I do wonder if adhd is related to this. My niece has late diagnosis adhd, and when she was a teen, she shoptlifted items under $10 "because she could". She had other issues, too, particularly at home.

She went to college, got a masters, and is now gainfully employed. Never got into trouble with the law as an adult.