Fighting between younger kids

[Anonymous]

I think you also may be setting behavior that's going to be hard to change. When they go the school, teacher is not going to be asking, do you want to do math or language right now? They need to understand at some point you do what you're told and expected to do and don't have a choice in many matters.

As far as tantrums, I used to just send my kids to their room, or someplace else by themselves. Told them, they could cry and pout and scream as long as they wanted, but they'd have to do it by themselves as I wasn't going to watch. Amazing how quickly it stopped once no one was there to see it and give them attention.

[Anonymous]

You need to make them be a team. Ours fight too (of course!) but they are pretty cute together. usually we just remove ourselves and make them figure it out. In your park example I suppose you could do what a PP suggested or you could say super casually “oh kids, we are going to a park in an hour, you two figure out where we should go.” Then walk away. When they squabble, casually say “you guys are good at solving problems. I know you will figure it out.” Then leave again.

This works for all sorts of compromise situations. Sometimes you will have to broker “hmm sounds like you really can’t agree… hmm… what could we do…” if they still can’t offer a solution you could either say you will pick for them or you can help them figure out taking turns.

One thing we also learned in siblings without rivalry or peaceful siblings is to never have them race each other - we make it kids vs parents but never kid vs kid. They are a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to make them be a team. Ours fight too (of course!) but they are pretty cute together. usually we just remove ourselves and make them figure it out. In your park example I suppose you could do what a PP suggested or you could say super casually “oh kids, we are going to a park in an hour, you two figure out where we should go.” Then walk away. When they squabble, casually say “you guys are good at solving problems. I know you will figure it out.” Then leave again.

This works for all sorts of compromise situations. Sometimes you will have to broker “hmm sounds like you really can’t agree… hmm… what could we do…” if they still can’t offer a solution you could either say you will pick for them or you can help them figure out taking turns.

One thing we also learned in siblings without rivalry or peaceful siblings is to never have them race each other - we make it kids vs parents but never kid vs kid. They are a team.

This seems like good advice.

FWIW, I only have one kid but I do give choices like you do (broccoli or spinach). I do it for the same reasons you do—high intensity kid who needs to be involved to feel heard. With 2 kids, the PP directly above offers a way to still give a choice, but bond them in the process. I imagine it would be difficult the first few times, but they’ll get the hang of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to make them be a team. Ours fight too (of course!) but they are pretty cute together. usually we just remove ourselves and make them figure it out. In your park example I suppose you could do what a PP suggested or you could say super casually “oh kids, we are going to a park in an hour, you two figure out where we should go.” Then walk away. When they squabble, casually say “you guys are good at solving problems. I know you will figure it out.” Then leave again.

This works for all sorts of compromise situations. Sometimes you will have to broker “hmm sounds like you really can’t agree… hmm… what could we do…” if they still can’t offer a solution you could either say you will pick for them or you can help them figure out taking turns.

One thing we also learned in siblings without rivalry or peaceful siblings is to never have them race each other - we make it kids vs parents but never kid vs kid. They are a team.

Too young for this. They don't have the cognitive tools to reason through a situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to make them be a team. Ours fight too (of course!) but they are pretty cute together. usually we just remove ourselves and make them figure it out. In your park example I suppose you could do what a PP suggested or you could say super casually “oh kids, we are going to a park in an hour, you two figure out where we should go.” Then walk away. When they squabble, casually say “you guys are good at solving problems. I know you will figure it out.” Then leave again.

This works for all sorts of compromise situations. Sometimes you will have to broker “hmm sounds like you really can’t agree… hmm… what could we do…” if they still can’t offer a solution you could either say you will pick for them or you can help them figure out taking turns.

One thing we also learned in siblings without rivalry or peaceful siblings is to never have them race each other - we make it kids vs parents but never kid vs kid. They are a team.

Too young for this. They don't have the cognitive tools to reason through a situation.

NP. It depends on the kids for sure. My younger one is the same as yours but my older one is older and they argue a lot, it’s so frustrating. They have(after much guidance) figured out that most issues can be solved by 1) taking turns choosing or 2) playing separately (which I enforce if they are really being nasty to each other). Can they do this consistently with out me stepping in? No especially when tired or worn out from a rough school day. But sometimes so I hope it will get better as the younger one gets older…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the heck? Why are you making them decide? Just decide without asking and tell them that’s what you’re doing or where you’re going.

This reminds me of how my sister used to ask her three or four year old, “what do you want to eat for dinner?” I remember my niece pointing to a bottle of syrup in the refrigerator. My sister looked at me with an exasperated expression like can you believe she wants her for dinner? I wanted to be like, don’t ask your three-year-old what she wants for dinner. Just give it to her.

OP here. That's not what I ask them. It's not that broad. Instead of “what do you want to eat for dinner?” I ask- Would you like broccoli or green beans?

If one kid hates broccoli or green beans why is that one of the options?