When did you know staying married was causing your kids more harm than good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

You have no idea. My adH will continue shouting at me even when I politely ask to end a discussion, even when I say I am done, even when I leave a room. No one is going to tell him to stop talking in his own house! No I’m is going to ask him to stop shouting! What is wrong with me that I can’t even talk about politics? What is wrong with me that I think he shouldn’t be able. Yo say what he wants in his own house?

Dah is going to scream and vent and pick fights no matter what I do. Talking back doesn’t help. Destroying him rhetorically doesn’t help. Staying silent doesn’t help. Ignoring him doesn’t help. Refusing to engage doesn’t help. 1 parent can upset kids by arguing even when the other parent isn’t arguing back.

This. Let alone times when he follows me around the house arguing, or we are all trapped in the car and he uses kids as an audience/directly addresses them and tries to recruit them to support his side, or when he saves it for overnight and lectures at me in a monologue for hours at a time. If I sleep in a different room he comes in. If I lock the door to that room he comes around the outside and harasses me through the window.

Wow. Please, please get a divorce. It isn't a guarantee that he'll treat the kids like this away from you. He may not. But it's guaranteed they'll continue to be exposed to it if you stay with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

You have no idea. My adH will continue shouting at me even when I politely ask to end a discussion, even when I say I am done, even when I leave a room. No one is going to tell him to stop talking in his own house! No I’m is going to ask him to stop shouting! What is wrong with me that I can’t even talk about politics? What is wrong with me that I think he shouldn’t be able. Yo say what he wants in his own house?

Dah is going to scream and vent and pick fights no matter what I do. Talking back doesn’t help. Destroying him rhetorically doesn’t help. Staying silent doesn’t help. Ignoring him doesn’t help. Refusing to engage doesn’t help. 1 parent can upset kids by arguing even when the other parent isn’t arguing back.

My DH is the same. I stay married as I’m scared he’ll hurt the kids if he loses control and I’m not there. I have learned to just keep quiet and let him rant. The shouting is over faster if I just ignore what he says.

But what is this teaching your children about what is normal? About relationships? About how mean treat women, and what mentally healthy women tolerate.

You are harming your children, just in a different way than you fear he will.

[Anonymous]

It is very damaging for children to grow up with a depressed, anxious mother. (Fathers of course are important too, but OP is a female).

So you may not care about yourself, but you should. Children learn from your self care and self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ When you fight in front of your children, you change who they are.”

-a Dr. Phil quote

Well ok. But change is inevitable. And Dr. Phil isn't a trained mental health doctor or professional. FWIW our couples therapist said we should fight in front of our children if it can be done civilly and without violence. And then find the resolution together in front of them. This way they will see that it's ok to disagree and work out differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ When you fight in front of your children, you change who they are.”

-a Dr. Phil quote

Well ok. But change is inevitable. And Dr. Phil isn't a trained mental health doctor or professional. FWIW our couples therapist said we should fight in front of our children if it can be done civilly and without violence. And then find the resolution together in front of them. This way they will see that it's ok to disagree and work out differences.

Your couples therapist is right if you fight fair and find resolution; it also reduces their anxiety about things they know but that are hidden, and teaches them no to hide from or suppress conflict.

[Anonymous]

Till you decide to leave I would promptly leave the room when he raises his voice. He can yell at himself then. Or leave the home.

Don't engage whatsoever. Hopefully you've talked to a lawyer by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Till you decide to leave I would promptly leave the room when he raises his voice. He can yell at himself then. Or leave the home.

Don't engage whatsoever. Hopefully you've talked to a lawyer by now.

I love how people who have never experienced this think taking normal actions will result in normal results with someone who already disrespects normal boundaries of behavior. See post above about harassing through the window.

[Anonymous]

As the child of divorce, I promise you I was much happier after my parents weren’t fighting all the time.

[Anonymous]

I remember one night we were screaming in the kitchen and I looked over and my sons face…he was so upset. I’m still traumatized to this day. We divorced 6 years ago and everything is great now. It was hard for awhile but I never want my kids to see me being verbally abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are your kids doing? Are they growing, do they have at least one friend, are they doing okay in school? Do they have mental problems? If they don't have mental or behavioral problems, it might not be so bad yet.

I was a good student, had friends, and seemed fine but was scared to death when my parents started arguing. I thank God my mom left with me and my brother.

How do you “just leave with the two kids nowadays?” The dad has to be a deadbeat not to abuse via court system for years and years.

[Anonymous]

When my 4 yo asked me why I was so sad and I lied to her and said Mommy’s not sad.