When did you know staying married was causing your kids more harm than good?

[Anonymous]

3 kids ages 7 and under. I feel like it is getting to this point with my oldest. The arguing is taking a toll on her.
How do I know it’s more traumatizing than moving, changing schools, having no money, and only seeing one parent at a time would be?
I don’t care about my happiness, only my kids. I wish I had a crystal
Ball to see what was best. This is brutal.

[Anonymous]

No words. Just hugs.

[Anonymous]

My kids were not traumatized to move and change schools and live in a much smaller place. When they got older they said they wished we’d divorced sooner. I have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

[Anonymous]

How are your kids doing? Are they growing, do they have at least one friend, are they doing okay in school? Do they have mental problems? If they don't have mental or behavioral problems, it might not be so bad yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

You have no idea. My adH will continue shouting at me even when I politely ask to end a discussion, even when I say I am done, even when I leave a room. No one is going to tell him to stop talking in his own house! No I’m is going to ask him to stop shouting! What is wrong with me that I can’t even talk about politics? What is wrong with me that I think he shouldn’t be able. Yo say what he wants in his own house?

Dah is going to scream and vent and pick fights no matter what I do. Talking back doesn’t help. Destroying him rhetorically doesn’t help. Staying silent doesn’t help. Ignoring him doesn’t help. Refusing to engage doesn’t help. 1 parent can upset kids by arguing even when the other parent isn’t arguing back.

[Anonymous]

First, OP, I’m so sorry, it sucks to be making this decision.

I vividly remember the moment: DC was 2 years old, my husband at the time had just made an inappropriate and offensive comment to me—something that had become increasingly common, along with his increased temper.
I lost it. Totally lost it, crying and screaming at him right in front of DC. DC was just standing there in shock watching me. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care at that moment. It was so out of character for me that I realized DC would suffer more if I stayed married to his dad. It gave me 100% clarity, it was such a turning point. Up until that moment, all I could think about was the negative impact of a divorce on DC. But then I saw how staying married would degrade my ability to parent well.

My best advice is to gather enough cash to meet with an family law attorney for one hour for a consultation (they do that all the time and will understand that you don’t want a bill sent to you directly in anyway). Get a good reality check on what separating and divorcing now would look like and how are you can perhaps get your ducks in a row before you initiate anything. Eyes wide open to those realities will help you know once you reach the tipping point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

You have no idea. My adH will continue shouting at me even when I politely ask to end a discussion, even when I say I am done, even when I leave a room. No one is going to tell him to stop talking in his own house! No I’m is going to ask him to stop shouting! What is wrong with me that I can’t even talk about politics? What is wrong with me that I think he shouldn’t be able. Yo say what he wants in his own house?

Dah is going to scream and vent and pick fights no matter what I do. Talking back doesn’t help. Destroying him rhetorically doesn’t help. Staying silent doesn’t help. Ignoring him doesn’t help. Refusing to engage doesn’t help. 1 parent can upset kids by arguing even when the other parent isn’t arguing back.

NP here, I 100% believe you. Even when you don’t engage, an angry, argumentative person will have an impact on the household atmosphere and on what children witness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are your kids doing? Are they growing, do they have at least one friend, are they doing okay in school? Do they have mental problems? If they don't have mental or behavioral problems, it might not be so bad yet.

I was a good student, had friends, and seemed fine but was scared to death when my parents started arguing. I thank God my mom left with me and my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

You have no idea. My adH will continue shouting at me even when I politely ask to end a discussion, even when I say I am done, even when I leave a room. No one is going to tell him to stop talking in his own house! No I’m is going to ask him to stop shouting! What is wrong with me that I can’t even talk about politics? What is wrong with me that I think he shouldn’t be able. Yo say what he wants in his own house?

Dah is going to scream and vent and pick fights no matter what I do. Talking back doesn’t help. Destroying him rhetorically doesn’t help. Staying silent doesn’t help. Ignoring him doesn’t help. Refusing to engage doesn’t help. 1 parent can upset kids by arguing even when the other parent isn’t arguing back.

My DH is the same. I stay married as I’m scared he’ll hurt the kids if he loses control and I’m not there. I have learned to just keep quiet and let him rant. The shouting is over faster if I just ignore what he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should not be arguing in front of your children. Why are you allowing that to happen? It takes 2 people to argue.

You have no idea. My adH will continue shouting at me even when I politely ask to end a discussion, even when I say I am done, even when I leave a room. No one is going to tell him to stop talking in his own house! No I’m is going to ask him to stop shouting! What is wrong with me that I can’t even talk about politics? What is wrong with me that I think he shouldn’t be able. Yo say what he wants in his own house?

Dah is going to scream and vent and pick fights no matter what I do. Talking back doesn’t help. Destroying him rhetorically doesn’t help. Staying silent doesn’t help. Ignoring him doesn’t help. Refusing to engage doesn’t help. 1 parent can upset kids by arguing even when the other parent isn’t arguing back.

This. Let alone times when he follows me around the house arguing, or we are all trapped in the car and he uses kids as an audience/directly addresses them and tries to recruit them to support his side, or when he saves it for overnight and lectures at me in a monologue for hours at a time. If I sleep in a different room he comes in. If I lock the door to that room he comes around the outside and harasses me through the window.

[Anonymous]

“ When you fight in front of your children, you change who they are.”

-a Dr. Phil quote

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 kids ages 7 and under. I feel like it is getting to this point with my oldest. The arguing is taking a toll on her.
How do I know it’s more traumatizing than moving, changing schools, having no money, and only seeing one parent at a time would be?
I don’t care about my happiness, only my kids. I wish I had a crystal
Ball to see what was best. This is brutal.

You may say that you don't care about your own happiness but your children will see it and will blame themselves. Presumably, you have tried counseling, even if it is only you going to counseling. I have no advice for you other than to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him and act accordingly. If you decide that leaving is best then see a very good divorce lawyer and get advice about money and find out if you leave will it be considered abandonment.

Good luck to you and do nothing without the best legal advice.

[Anonymous]

I’m answer to your question, when my 6 yo who had been fully toilet trained since age three started having poop accidents at school in first grade, and hiding poop under his bed, which was a perfect metaphor for our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m answer to your question, when my 6 yo who had been fully toilet trained since age three started having poop accidents at school in first grade, and hiding poop under his bed, which was a perfect metaphor for our marriage.

Drop the mic: truth + dark humor. Your are my kind of person!
I hope you and DC are well.