Why are people so condescending when you don't know something?

[Anonymous]

I'm never around such rude people and I'm a foreigner who has large gaping holes in her knowledge of American culture and practical life matters.

Are you certain you're not being hypersensitive? Occasionally someone expresses surprise that I don't know something, but it's surprise, not judgement. And then they explain it, without condescension, and I learn something new.

I'm around stay-at-home parents, scientists, museum people, lawyers, doctors, musicians, various business people, teachers and animal rescue volunteers (who must have day jobs I know nothing about!).

[Anonymous]

Where do you live, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who speaks to others this way. You need to find a new crowd.

OP here. Can I ask what your crowd is, generally? I would very much like to be around more people who aren't like this. I'm a consultant and do tend to socialize with a lot of consultants, lawyers, and similar professionals, and I do think this behavior is specifically bad in that environment. But I have also encountered it among people in exercise classes I've taken or people I met through a book club who were not corporate or legal professionals. That's why I think it might be something specific about this area. It is worst among certain groups but by no means limited to them.

I'm a professor in a neighborhood full of white collar professionals. No consultants or lawyers I'm aware of, so that could be the difference. There is a kind of harshness to those professions I could see translating to regular social interactions, as you say. I live in Bethesda, but in one of the more down to earth neighborhoods. I don't think everyone around here is warm and friendly, not at all, and there are certainly many incredibly status-conscious people, but I haven't experienced what you're describing. Maybe I've just been lucky or my bubble is smaller than yours. Either is possible.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is coming across as very confident, so when she professes ignorance, people are genuinely surprised and may show that surprise in a way that OP finds judgemental.

I don't think people are going out of their way to be nasty and rude.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Pre-Kindergarten teacher who is well traveled, well read, and has a Master's degree. It's even worse when smug people are surprised about what you DO know. They act incredulous that I can hold a conversation on a variety of topics. It's annoying.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you may be struggling with focused anxiety, OP. Social anxiety can cause you to hear people’s comments as far more critical than they actually are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may be struggling with focused anxiety, OP. Social anxiety can cause you to hear people’s comments as far more critical than they actually are.

Social anxiety, not focused anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Who are these people that are condescending? Friends? Women? Men? Bosses? Supervisors? Coworkers? Randos? Acquaintances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may be struggling with focused anxiety, OP. Social anxiety can cause you to hear people’s comments as far more critical than they actually are.

Social anxiety, not focused anxiety.

That's how I read OP's post, too. Some people have hair-trigger anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who speaks to others this way. You need to find a new crowd.

OP here. Can I ask what your crowd is, generally? I would very much like to be around more people who aren't like this. I'm a consultant and do tend to socialize with a lot of consultants, lawyers, and similar professionals, and I do think this behavior is specifically bad in that environment. But I have also encountered it among people in exercise classes I've taken or people I met through a book club who were not corporate or legal professionals. That's why I think it might be something specific about this area. It is worst among certain groups but by no means limited to them.

You hang out with a bunch of professional know it alls. The words WELL DUH might as well finish every sentence that comes out of their mouths. Just play it off. Say something like ‘Clearly, I live under a rock’ and switch the topic.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read it all but just tell them no one is born knowing everything or is blessed as they are to have been exposed to everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read it all but just tell them no one is born knowing everything or is blessed as they are to have been exposed to everything

And then they'll wonder why on earth OP seems so offended, when they didn't say anything wrong

OP, relax. People are not judging you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am perfectly self-confident. I know I'm intelligent and believe I have interesting things to contribute. I am just tired of being spoken to like an idiot. It sucks the enjoyment out of socializing and conversation. So many people just lecture about things instead of talking about them, and yet I don't know any adults (or children!) who enjoy being lectured at. It really is just rudeness and poor manners. I do think the PP was condescending -- literally ordering me not to say "people in this area" (which I said because that is the specific experience I'm referring to -- I have not experienced this elsewhere), assuming bad motives on my part. Even the "oh my" -- it's a condescending tone. It doesn't hurt my feelings. It's just tedious and kills conversation

I'm not offended, I'm annoyed.

OP I grew up here and I think some of what you describe started in the 90s to early 2000s, when the city grew quickly. But then, Kennedy did describe Washington in 1962 as a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you may be struggling with focused anxiety, OP. Social anxiety can cause you to hear people’s comments as far more critical than they actually are.

Social anxiety, not focused anxiety.

That's how I read OP's post, too. Some people have hair-trigger anxiety.

NP. Interesting. One of the common critiques I hear about the inside-the-beltway folks are how over-anxious they are. Who knows maybe people are posting on here about OP’s excessive anxiety “sucking the life out of the room”. That would be something!

[Anonymous]

I think you need new friends.