Why are people so condescending when you don't know something?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people in this area stress me out so much. I'm a reasonably intelligent person but there are of course lots of things I don't know about the world because of lack of experience or exposure. That's really normal! There are things I know that other don't because of where I grew up or what I studied in school or jobs I've had or experiences I've had. No one knows everything, even very smart, curious people.

But I have found that when I express ignorance about something in this area (the DMV) people will often pounce on it and act like it is completely unacceptable that I didn't know whatever it was. And it could genuinely be anything. Recently I admitted I hadn't see a classic movie from the 80s (think Fast Times at Ridgemont High) and the people I was with acted like I'd just said I was born on Neptune. I also recently expressed surprise about a certain aspect of the US medical system (relating to what kind of specialist you would see if you have a specific condition I've never had) and again, was met with scorn and "I can't believe you don't know this." I feel like this happens to me all the time because I am someone who is unembarrassed by admitting I don't know something or that I just learned something. I don't think there is shame in it. But around here, a lot of people really do seem to think it is shameful to admit you don't know everything there is to know about everything in the universe.

It just makes social situations feel very stressful to me and I find I speak less and less as the years go on and am less likely to ask questions or to voice an opinion on something because I am nervous that I will get something wrong and be called out for it. I have started to feel that certain people think I am genuinely stupid which is frustrating because I read all the time and have a graduate degree and while I'm not all-knowing, I think I am reasonably intelligent with a good capacity for understanding things.

I just wish people would be more forgiving of everyday ignorance, I think it's unreasonable to expect any person to know everything about current events, science, business, the economy, medicine, the arts, etc. Also, it would be boring! I like meeting people who know a lot about things with which I'm unfamiliar. I like learning from people.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you, OP. We’re not born knowing this stuff. Everyone learns it at some point. You could try to make a joke and say something like you’re flattered that people think you know more than you do. Or just make a matter-of-fact statement and DO NOT be apologetic or accept the premise that you should’ve known that thing. When people condescend, they’re just being jerks and trying to inflate their own ego at your expense. And around here plenty of people are insecure.

[Anonymous]

It is because THEY are narrow minded and unsophisticated. It's not you. They can only feel better about themselves when you show weakness and they can pounce on it.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Anonymous]

This whole area has a stick up its ass.

[Anonymous]

Oh my. First off, stop saying "people in this area." Rudeness is all over the place. Second, how are YOU acting when you find out you don't know something? For example, I knew someone who decided he didn't like jazz and then whenever he was exposed to it negated the importance of it. For example, someone might say Miles Davis was a genius and this friend would pretty much respond that because HE didn't know or care about Miles Davis, his music was invalid. Third, stop caring so much about what rude 'know it alls" think about you. They act that way with everyone. Your sphere of knowledge is perfectly sufficient.

[Anonymous]

You need to look within yourself and address your insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. First off, stop saying "people in this area." Rudeness is all over the place. Second, how are YOU acting when you find out you don't know something? For example, I knew someone who decided he didn't like jazz and then whenever he was exposed to it negated the importance of it. For example, someone might say Miles Davis was a genius and this friend would pretty much respond that because HE didn't know or care about Miles Davis, his music was invalid. Third, stop caring so much about what rude 'know it alls" think about you. They act that way with everyone. Your sphere of knowledge is perfectly sufficient.

Case in point. The meanness. The assumption of bad movies. The air of being the all knowing arbiter of what is okay and what isn't okay. It is EXHAUSTING. I seriously cannot interact with people like this anymore.

[Anonymous]

^Bad motives, not movies.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think they were raised/taught by insecurity narcissists who modeled this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. First off, stop saying "people in this area." Rudeness is all over the place. Second, how are YOU acting when you find out you don't know something? For example, I knew someone who decided he didn't like jazz and then whenever he was exposed to it negated the importance of it. For example, someone might say Miles Davis was a genius and this friend would pretty much respond that because HE didn't know or care about Miles Davis, his music was invalid. Third, stop caring so much about what rude 'know it alls" think about you. They act that way with everyone. Your sphere of knowledge is perfectly sufficient.

Not OP - not the way it is here. I spend 6 months out of the year in a different region just to get a break from DMV snobbishness. I love the intelligence here but my god - the kindness and warmth is just missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. First off, stop saying "people in this area." Rudeness is all over the place. Second, how are YOU acting when you find out you don't know something? For example, I knew someone who decided he didn't like jazz and then whenever he was exposed to it negated the importance of it. For example, someone might say Miles Davis was a genius and this friend would pretty much respond that because HE didn't know or care about Miles Davis, his music was invalid. Third, stop caring so much about what rude 'know it alls" think about you. They act that way with everyone. Your sphere of knowledge is perfectly sufficient.

Case in point. The meanness. The assumption of bad movies. The air of being the all knowing arbiter of what is okay and what isn't okay. It is EXHAUSTING. I seriously cannot interact with people like this anymore.

I don't think this was mean. The poster supported the OP. Just get a little more self confidence, OP. Or fake it till you make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. First off, stop saying "people in this area." Rudeness is all over the place. Second, how are YOU acting when you find out you don't know something? For example, I knew someone who decided he didn't like jazz and then whenever he was exposed to it negated the importance of it. For example, someone might say Miles Davis was a genius and this friend would pretty much respond that because HE didn't know or care about Miles Davis, his music was invalid. Third, stop caring so much about what rude 'know it alls" think about you. They act that way with everyone. Your sphere of knowledge is perfectly sufficient.

Case in point. The meanness. The assumption of bad movies. The air of being the all knowing arbiter of what is okay and what isn't okay. It is EXHAUSTING. I seriously cannot interact with people like this anymore.

I don't think this was mean. The poster supported the OP. Just get a little more self confidence, OP. Or fake it till you make it.

OP here. I am perfectly self-confident. I know I'm intelligent and believe I have interesting things to contribute. I am just tired of being spoken to like an idiot. It sucks the enjoyment out of socializing and conversation. So many people just lecture about things instead of talking about them, and yet I don't know any adults (or children!) who enjoy being lectured at. It really is just rudeness and poor manners. I do think the PP was condescending -- literally ordering me not to say "people in this area" (which I said because that is the specific experience I'm referring to -- I have not experienced this elsewhere), assuming bad motives on my part. Even the "oh my" -- it's a condescending tone. It doesn't hurt my feelings. It's just tedious and kills conversation

I'm not offended, I'm annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. First off, stop saying "people in this area." Rudeness is all over the place. Second, how are YOU acting when you find out you don't know something? For example, I knew someone who decided he didn't like jazz and then whenever he was exposed to it negated the importance of it. For example, someone might say Miles Davis was a genius and this friend would pretty much respond that because HE didn't know or care about Miles Davis, his music was invalid. Third, stop caring so much about what rude 'know it alls" think about you. They act that way with everyone. Your sphere of knowledge is perfectly sufficient.

Case in point. The meanness. The assumption of bad movies. The air of being the all knowing arbiter of what is okay and what isn't okay. It is EXHAUSTING. I seriously cannot interact with people like this anymore.

I don't think this was mean. The poster supported the OP. Just get a little more self confidence, OP. Or fake it till you make it.

OP here. I am perfectly self-confident. I know I'm intelligent and believe I have interesting things to contribute. I am just tired of being spoken to like an idiot. It sucks the enjoyment out of socializing and conversation. So many people just lecture about things instead of talking about them, and yet I don't know any adults (or children!) who enjoy being lectured at. It really is just rudeness and poor manners. I do think the PP was condescending -- literally ordering me not to say "people in this area" (which I said because that is the specific experience I'm referring to -- I have not experienced this elsewhere), assuming bad motives on my part. Even the "oh my" -- it's a condescending tone. It doesn't hurt my feelings. It's just tedious and kills conversation

I'm not offended, I'm annoyed.

Then I guess you're just going to have to change your reaction or just stop caring entirely. Because god knows you can't change the ***holes of the world.

[Anonymous]

I don't know anyone who speaks to others this way. You need to find a new crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who speaks to others this way. You need to find a new crowd.

OP here. Can I ask what your crowd is, generally? I would very much like to be around more people who aren't like this. I'm a consultant and do tend to socialize with a lot of consultants, lawyers, and similar professionals, and I do think this behavior is specifically bad in that environment. But I have also encountered it among people in exercise classes I've taken or people I met through a book club who were not corporate or legal professionals. That's why I think it might be something specific about this area. It is worst among certain groups but by no means limited to them.