Too old for donor eggs at 45?

[Anonymous]

Just be aware that you will be raising two only children if you have another one now. If you can’t let go because of the only child issue, you need to talk to a therapist about whether having a second with such a big age gap would even “fix” the problem you’re trying to solve.

That said, I get it, I really do. We did so much IVF and had so many miscarriages trying to have a second. Never did. It was the hardest thing I ever went through, including the death of a parent and serious illness, and I don’t think I’ll ever get back to the person I was “before.” But I really question whether going forward with donor now would bring you the resolution you need. It probably won’t be what you imagine and could be unsuccessful or disappointing in other ways. Relatedly, what does your 10 year old think about being an only? I shifted my thinking from what I wanted to what would be best for my only, and realized she’s happy and loves her family and life. So I stopped projecting my trauma on her life and focused on meeting her where she was.

All of that to say, donor embryos are the way to go. Quick and easy if you can do double donor embryos or get lucky matching with a donor family. Good luck in whatever you decide. All of this is just plain hard and unfair.

[Anonymous]

I had my child at 45 with DE. It will be faster than adoption if it works, so if you really want a second baby I would go that route.

[Anonymous]

Go for it! Not quite the same but I'm 38 with a 12yo and planning to have another. Never wanted such an age gap but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I did DE at 44. My husband was 49 at the time.
We have no regrets. Just remember, this means you will be 63 when your baby graduates high school.
For us, it meant throwing the idea of early retirement out the window, which was fine, but something you want to consider.
Also there is just a 2.5 year gap between our kids so they are growing up with a sibling experience, which is what we had hoped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want another baby go for it now w DE

This was my exact situation. Had baby at almost 46. I always wanted 2. No regrets. Go for frozen—it’s fast and easy relatively speaking.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43 and getting ready for my first DE cycle. There are lots of women in my DE support group who are around 45. My friend is pregnant with her DE at 49.

[Anonymous]

I think DE at your age is fine as long as you're healthy and had an easy first pregnancy. I agree that it is likely to be faster than adoption. You could also consider embryo adoption if that's a reasonable option - since it would be an FET it would be much less medically involved and much less expensive (also much less expensive than adoption).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant right away at 35, had a healthy and easy pregnancy and healthy baby. Started TTC #2 when I was 37. We tried for 5 years, including infertility treatments and surgery, and I was never able to get pregnant again. We gave up after TTC for 5 years. I have never been able to accept being one and done, not by choice, and continue to be sad about this every day. Therapy has not helped. I am an only child myself and personally think it is not an ideal way to grow up.

Lately I've been thinking about donor eggs or donor embryo. Before I was not open to this but now I am. I had a perfect pregnancy with no problems the first time around but that was many years ago. I have no health issues and take no medications but I am almost 45 and worry about being very advanced maternal age now.

Would it be a bad decision to try to pursue a DE pregnancy now? DH wants to adopt but I really don't think any birth mother would choose us due to age.

I had my first easily at 39. i tried for 2 years after and got pregnant twice but miscarried both times, and also did several IUIs and IVFs. (IUIs waste of time and money.) for a year i tried to be "okay" having an only, but i couldn't accept it. we decided to go with DE and it worked on the second try. my daughter completes our family. it was an easy pregnancy and an easy delivery. I'm definitely one of the oldest moms, but it is what it is. so, i don't think it's a bad idea to do a DE pregnancy now.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely not do this. Embrace the hand you've been dealt. -mom of only kid by choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10 year age gap with my kids. They love each other, but agreed that they definitely aren't growing up together. My eldest was basically an only and now has a "toy." As the one approaches teenage years, I doubt there will be anything meaningful. Sad but true. But I didn't have another kid so there was a sibling. It was for myself and my husband.

I personally wouldn't want to become a parent at 45. I'd like to retire by 55.

I have a sibling who is just 6 years older than me, and he left for college when I was 12 and we never lived in the same place again. He's lived with his wife for WAY longer than he ever lived with me.

I would not have another baby to give your current child a sibling. It's too much pressure. Especially since these two kids won't be genetically related, their personalities may not mesh at ALL on top of their age gap. You'd essentially be raising 2 only children with childhoods that barely overlap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10 year age gap with my kids. They love each other, but agreed that they definitely aren't growing up together. My eldest was basically an only and now has a "toy." As the one approaches teenage years, I doubt there will be anything meaningful. Sad but true. But I didn't have another kid so there was a sibling. It was for myself and my husband.

I personally wouldn't want to become a parent at 45. I'd like to retire by 55.

I have a sibling who is just 6 years older than me, and he left for college when I was 12 and we never lived in the same place again. He's lived with his wife for WAY longer than he ever lived with me.

I would not have another baby to give your current child a sibling. It's too much pressure. Especially since these two kids won't be genetically related, their personalities may not mesh at ALL on top of their age gap. You'd essentially be raising 2 only children with childhoods that barely overlap.

Yeah, even a 4-year age gap is a lot. My brother (4yrs younger) and I were always in different schools, different stages in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing is that you don't want your DC growing up as an only child. If I am reading correctly, they are already about 10 years old, and if you successfully have a baby they could be 11 or 12 when that child is born. So they would still have a sibling, but won't really have that experience of growing up with a sibling close in age. I'm sure they would enjoy a younger sibling though and probably more when they are adults.

My youngest sibling is 9 years younger than me and he’s become one of my best friends. I’m closer to him than my other siblings. I also took care of him since he was a baby so I feel pretty maternal towards him. If you’ve been wanting this the past 10 years, start it now!

[Anonymous]

I was 44 when I finally got pregnant w/ DE after 2 yrs of fertility treatments. Had twins days before my 45th b'day.

Healthy pregnancy, healthy kids, easy recovery from c-section and everyone is healthy and happy a decade later.

Sometimes I feel old and tired. Frequently I'm glad I have the patience and resources of age. I think (presuming I have another healthy decade+ left) it will balance out in the end. They won't have me around into their 50's like I did my parents, but they also will have college fully paid for and probably an inheritance early enough in life to be a game changer for them.

So I'm a supporter OP. Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

I know someone about to have a baby via donor egg and sperm and they are 49. This is a first baby for them and how they wanted to create their family. No judgment from me as I wanted children and wasn't able to have them without help because of male fertility issues but none of that worked, and then after divorce decided I couldn't pull the trigger on being a single mom but it took me a long while to be OK with that decision. The urge to procreate can be strong and relentless. Do what feels right for you.

[Anonymous]

i did DE and had an uneventful first pregnancy at 47.