My sister feels unloved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked your sister, “So how can I help?” Make her name what she wants. Otherwise, I can see you just spinning around and around with her. Help her identify what she wants to have happen.

Yeah this is good advice. You can’t try to “fix” anything between your parents and sister. That won’t end well.

This.

How old is your sister's child? I'm assuming very young, which is why they are so uptight. I wouldn't bring this up and I would let your parents handle her rigid requirements. When your parents tell you about it say "Why don't you talk to Sally about that? I can't be involved". Your parents can stop babysitting if they dont' like the rules. Your sister may come back to it once she realizes no nanny will be up for her demands.

[Anonymous]

I would acknowledge her feelings and ask if she wants my advice or to just vent.

If she wants my advice, I would tell her that you think her relationship with your parents would improve if they were no longer caring for her kid. Both her and them might have a chance to improve their relationship when it isn't being strained over caretaking responsibilities. Then I would say nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Your sister needs to find *other* ways to love

And stop using her energy to analyze a situation that doesn't provide joy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to find *other* ways to love

And stop using her energy to analyze a situation that doesn't provide joy

What do you mean by your first statement? I don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to listening, trying to understand, and giving empathy. As the black sheep of my family, I can say that is is incredibly painful and sometimes heartbreaking to realize that your parents don't accept who you are and will only give you love if you comply with their narrow views on how life should be lead.

No to giving advice - not your roles, and she probably doesn't feel safe enough with you to accept it.

Also, consider that you might be enmeshed with your parents and even may be enabling their negative behavior towards your sister. You don't sound very accepting of her.

I am the OP. Thanks for this perspective. I do not care for her parenting style but I accept her right to parent her child the way she wants. As an older sister and a mom who had similar anxieties with my first born, I bite my tongue 99% of the time.

I don’t believe I enable negative behavior. I have asked them to be more forthright about their comfort level and requirements for babysitting. But it’s a touchy subject because they don’t think it will be received well by sister and BIL and will create more problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to listening, trying to understand, and giving empathy. As the black sheep of my family, I can say that is is incredibly painful and sometimes heartbreaking to realize that your parents don't accept who you are and will only give you love if you comply with their narrow views on how life should be lead.

No to giving advice - not your roles, and she probably doesn't feel safe enough with you to accept it.

Also, consider that you might be enmeshed with your parents and even may be enabling their negative behavior towards your sister. You don't sound very accepting of her.

I am the OP. Thanks for this perspective. I do not care for her parenting style but I accept her right to parent her child the way she wants. As an older sister and a mom who had similar anxieties with my first born, I bite my tongue 99% of the time.

I don’t believe I enable negative behavior. I have asked them to be more forthright about their comfort level and requirements for babysitting. But it’s a touchy subject because they don’t think it will be received well by sister and BIL and will create more problems.

Have you told them what you've said here? That your sister feels unloved by them? I feel like that would push your parents to have a discussion with her at least.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are a big part of the problem, OP. They don't like your sister's "rigid" parenting style, so they talk smack about her to you behind her back. You do know they probably say equally crappy things about YOU behind your back, yes? "Larla is a bit too free and easy with those kids. She lets them eat Pop Tarts while watching Judge Judy!"

They don't want to babysit, but they also don't want to NOT babysit.

Oy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to listening, trying to understand, and giving empathy. As the black sheep of my family, I can say that is is incredibly painful and sometimes heartbreaking to realize that your parents don't accept who you are and will only give you love if you comply with their narrow views on how life should be lead.

No to giving advice - not your roles, and she probably doesn't feel safe enough with you to accept it.

Also, consider that you might be enmeshed with your parents and even may be enabling their negative behavior towards your sister. You don't sound very accepting of her.

+100000

[Anonymous]

It's always someone else to blame when you have problems.
That's how some people feel. The problems are always caused by others and not themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to listening, trying to understand, and giving empathy. As the black sheep of my family, I can say that is is incredibly painful and sometimes heartbreaking to realize that your parents don't accept who you are and will only give you love if you comply with their narrow views on how life should be lead.

No to giving advice - not your roles, and she probably doesn't feel safe enough with you to accept it.

Also, consider that you might be enmeshed with your parents and even may be enabling their negative behavior towards your sister. You don't sound very accepting of her.

I am the OP. Thanks for this perspective. I do not care for her parenting style but I accept her right to parent her child the way she wants. As an older sister and a mom who had similar anxieties with my first born, I bite my tongue 99% of the time.

I don’t believe I enable negative behavior. I have asked them to be more forthright about their comfort level and requirements for babysitting. But it’s a touchy subject because they don’t think it will be received well by sister and BIL and will create more problems.

From an outside perspective you are, you just don't realize it. You enjoy being the "good" sister even though you feel guilty and sad when you talk to your other sister. You equate being "good" with being loved. Now you see why your sister feels unloved?

Stop your parents from play the comparison game. When they start complaining about your sister just say oh I think sister is the right and it's ok to make those requests. Their her children and she knows best after all what her own children need.