My sister feels unloved
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Anonymous
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My younger sister called me last night and unleashed. She mentioned how much hurt she feels that my parents (particularly my father) shows his clear preference for me. She says she feels she doesn’t do anything right. She feels like she is always being compared to me.
I am very close to my parents. My parents have confided in me as they do not agree with the lifestyle that my sister and BIL live, particularly their high strung parenting lifestyle. For example, my parents babysit her toddler often overnight because BIL and sister are medical professionals and often work night shift. They don’t let the toddler come to their home which is 15 min away. All babysitting must be on my sister and BIL’s terms. My parents have to spend the night at aster’s house and are not allowed to take their granddaughter on a walk in the neighborhood. They are not allowed to feed grand daughter any food they’ve made - everything must be organic and “approved.” My parents feel a bit sad and resentful and untrusted. They constantly compare her parenting to my parenting which is a bit hands off. DH and I don’t really manage our kids time with both sets of grandparents. We live 3 hour plane ride away from my parents. My sister had a tough time conceiving - that combined with her personality has made her someone that my parents feel like they no long her recognize (their words). I want to be supportive. She has turned to me. She clarified that she doesn’t blame me but she feels so sad. Anyone been in my sister’s shoes? What can I do to help the situation? (My parents are immigrants so “therapy” will not be an option.) |
Anonymous
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Tell her that you understand that she feels your parents understand you more than they understand her. Validate that, because it’s true. Then tell her that you don’t think they love her any less.
Finally, tell her that you respect her parenting choices, but that you doubt your parents will understand. She’s a good mom and her husband’s a good dad, so just tell her that. |
Anonymous
| I would say it often strains the relationship to have grandparents be a major part of child care arrangements. |
Anonymous
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Might be worth reminding her that it's easier to think about the good things in a relationship with more physical distance? I'm sure if you and your parents lived closer you would find more things to irritate each other.
That being said, I kind of sympathize with your parents, as one of my cousins got like this when he had his first child and wouldn't let extended family even *meet* the baby and I'm still a little irritated about it. In good news, my cousin eventually chilled out and has made peace with the rest of us again? If you can think how to talk to your sister about it, maybe gently mention that her babysitting requirements are source of stress for your parents and maybe trusting them more will help her relationship with them? It's a difficult position for you to be in though. |
Anonymous
| Have you asked your sister, “So how can I help?” Make her name what she wants. Otherwise, I can see you just spinning around and around with her. Help her identify what she wants to have happen. |
Anonymous
Yeah this is good advice. You can’t try to “fix” anything between your parents and sister. That won’t end well. |
Anonymous
Absolutely do not do this! If anything you need to find a way to let your parents know you are not open to venting about your sister's parenting choices. |
Anonymous
Night shifts both those are hard hard shifts. They need support and not criticism. They probly need sleep too. It’s a hard hard shift.
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Anonymous
You tell your parents to have more respect for the immense effort your sister and her husband are making to ensure their children receive safe and environmentally-friendly foods. You reiterate that difficulties conceiving will turn any parent into a very perfectionist/anxious sort of parent. That this aspect of your sister's personality was always there, and that's why she's a medical professional, for goodness' sake! You need to be perfectionist and slightly anxious in their line of work! My husband and I should know 
You tell your sister that you admire all the work she does to make her children's lives as safe and sustainable as she can, but that you fear anxiety has clouded some of her decision-making, and that being self-aware about her or her husband's own anxiety might help with having a more balanced approach to parenting. Specifically, ask what her reasons are to disallow sleepovers. I'm sure she has her reasons. I was a very organic/safety-oriented parent of small children myself. Letting her verbalize all her arguments might lead her to realize, at some point, that she can relax a little bit. Or this mediator/therapist role could backfire on you, and your entire family will turn you into the scapegoat
I've been in this therapist role myself, for both friends and family, and it's always worked out, but the people involved were willing to hear the other side of the argument. |
Anonymous
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I don’t see how you can really compare your sister’s situation with yours when she lives right near them and you live a 3 hr play ride away. How often are you really seeing them?
I think it’s odd that you imply you’re closer to your parents than your sister is, and yet, again, she lives right near them and you don’t. The things that you mentioned that are off limits with your sister’s toddler don’t seem that weird to me. Plus I can see how maybe the truth of the “rules” could have been exaggerated or distorted by your parents. She probably knows your parents talk about her to you and feels ganged up on. |
Anonymous
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Just listen. That's it.
There is nothing you can do. Your sister and her husband will not change. And your parents are human beings. Of course, they feel less close to the chld whose rules unintentionally makes them feel like strangers. There is no wrong to right here. This is life. You can advise your parents to stop complaining about it because it makes your sister feel unloved. But they cannot change how they feel about her parenting rules affecting the relationship, and they possibly will reduce how often they visit her. I state this as a parent with crazy rules. My children have allergies, and it took a while for my family to really get it. I set my rules and stood by them. It caused some tension and resentment, but my children come first and I will not feel sorry/sad for doing what I think is best for them. My whole family can kick rocks if they strongly disagree or feel offended with my rules. My family doesn't love me any less. They just relate better to those who have similar parenting styles as they do. I am quite comfortable with that. |
Anonymous
| I think being willing to watch grandchildren overnight, following intense rules implying lack of trust in or agreement with your own parenting choices, is a great expression of love. Love isn't just about words and feelings. It's an action your parents are taking. |
Anonymous
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Younger siblings ALWAYS think the older sibling is preferred.
My 75 year old aunt is still convinced my dead mother was the favorite, my own kids the same. There is literally nothing you can do to change it. It is about birth order. |
Anonymous
I’ve seen situations where it’s the younger one that’s always “favored” and can get away with anything because parents stop caring. |
Anonymous
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Yes to listening, trying to understand, and giving empathy. As the black sheep of my family, I can say that is is incredibly painful and sometimes heartbreaking to realize that your parents don't accept who you are and will only give you love if you comply with their narrow views on how life should be lead.
No to giving advice - not your roles, and she probably doesn't feel safe enough with you to accept it. Also, consider that you might be enmeshed with your parents and even may be enabling their negative behavior towards your sister. You don't sound very accepting of her. |