dh left baby on curb to get on bus...

[Anonymous]

I commute on the buys with 2 kids - I often wear one of them, but sometimes I dont (DS2 is getting too big). I often send my 2 yr old onto the bus to sit down while I stand on the curb off the bus trying to fold up the stroller/hold the baby. I also sometimes help my 2 yr old onto the bus while the baby sits in the stroller on the curb.

The likelihood of the bus driver leaving while he sees you standing there with the baby is incredibly low and logistically, there arent necessarily many other options.

OP - I dont think your husband did anything wrong. You need to cut him a little slack. You guys might have different parenting styles and you need to learn to respect each other's choices, even if you might do things differently. The baby was not in any danger.

[Anonymous]

The problem here is not your husband. It is the metro bus driver...yet another idiot behind the wheel of a metro bus, who, what...couldn't see a stroller / car seat combo by the door of the bus as your husband was getting on? Give your DH a break. S'not his fault! Metro bus drivers SUCK.

[Anonymous]

I totally disagree with posters who think this is no big deal. I'm a very laid back momma but this sounds like a very big deal to me. As an earlier poster said, what if the carrier had fallen under the wheels of the bus? All it would take would be the busdriver to clip it while the bus rolled out. Or depending on the age of your child, what if he had wriggled out of the carrier? I would have been livid about this.

[Anonymous]

Your husband loves the baby too.

No matter what you read on this forum about how people feel about the action your DH took on the bus, understand that leaving room for your husband to parent (and to learn better ways of parenting) is your goal.

Every one of us has had some sort of learning curve when it comes to raising our children. Instead of blaming, how about aiming for a habit of "lessons learned".

I bet your husband was scared out of his mind--even if he doesn't include this bit when relating the story to you. Congratulating him on fixing the mistake by yelling to the driver to stop, would be a good place to begin a conversation about what could be done in the future to prevent this sort of thing from happening again.

Better that you find a solution together than waste all of your energy in a blame game.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you take the car with the baby? Or he the car with the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband loves the baby too.

No matter what you read on this forum about how people feel about the action your DH took on the bus, understand that leaving room for your husband to parent (and to learn better ways of parenting) is your goal.

Every one of us has had some sort of learning curve when it comes to raising our children. Instead of blaming, how about aiming for a habit of "lessons learned".

I bet your husband was scared out of his mind--even if he doesn't include this bit when relating the story to you. Congratulating him on fixing the mistake by yelling to the driver to stop, would be a good place to begin a conversation about what could be done in the future to prevent this sort of thing from happening again.

Better that you find a solution together than waste all of your energy in a blame game.

OP: Maybe congratulating him is going a *little* far, but otherwise I completely agree with this poster: wigging out is not the answer. Figuring out how to get from A to B with a baby and all the attendant baby stuff is not that simple. And if you leap to the conclusion that your husband is an idiot who is not to be trusted, you are more likely to be writing another post in a few months or years saying that you resent him for not bearing his weight in the marriage. It *is* difficult to negotiate these new waters together, but you will be better off negotiating than putting yourself in the position of a "mama-expert" to his doltish-dad.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the various responses. First off, we will be moving DS to a regular stroller soon, so it should make things easier. Secondly neither of us commutes by bus often, but I did occasionally during my maternity leave, mostly to run errands and such. I commute by bus to work now, but can walk DS to day care first. When I did run errands on the bus with DS, I always took everything at once--eg, infant carrier, snap and go, and whatever bags, which was a pain getting upthe steps. However, once we got a bjorn, I used that. I would have suggested that for DH but he had DS all day and decided on his own to use the bus and didn't think to use the bjorn.

I guess the real issue is that DH still thinks he did the right thing, and that putting DS on first is a stupid idea--he also said that getting on carrying everything, as I do, is stupid because I am more likely to fall with the baby or hurt myself. He said he would do it again this way, given the choice, and accused me of being far too anxious, untrusting of him, and having a control problem. Whereas I think he was just plain thoughtless. If he had admitted "maybe it wasn't such a great idea'" I' wouldn't be so upset. Unfortunately this heated discussion happened in front of a friend, and he then said "Mothers are overly sensitive about these things."

As a PP said, maybe it is the fault of the metro driver who didn't see the combo, but I don't think its the driver's responsibility to make sure you have all your belongings, including baby, on board. I bet if you came on board with an infant, put the seat down at the foot of the driver and said "I'll be right back, I am going to get the stroller" they would not shut the door and leave. For the poster who said the likelihood of the driver shutting the door and leaving is slim--you would think so, but that is exactly what happened! The door shut and the bus started pulling away. With baby on the curb. You know, I calmed down about this over night, but now I am upset again, just thinking of this.

[Anonymous]

<<If he had admitted "maybe it wasn't such a great idea'" I' wouldn't be so upset.>>

Herein lies your problem. Because he does not see his way as mistaken. (And, frankly, I too agree with his logic.) As someone pointed out, if you put more value on being "right" (though there is no "right" and "wrong" here, believe it or not, just different opinions, as you can see by the responses), you will end up doing everything yourself and resenting your husband.

[Anonymous]

sorry but I agree with Mom on this one. maybe he thought it was the right thing to do, but after his experience (door closing, bus pulling away) he should have realized it was not a smart move. I would have been pissed.

[Anonymous]

My first thought was that your DH was nuts. My second was that his logic actually made some sense (bus driver much less likely to stop if your DH is outside the bus yelling). But I would do as you did - haul everything on at once.

[Anonymous]

OP -- you need to both agree that your child's safety is important. Your husband needs to hear you say that you do believe that he has the best interest of your child in mind, first and foremost.

Now that you have established that baseline -- you guys have a difference of opinion on what is the safest way to get the baby on that bus. I think you should acknowledge to him that he may have a point, that trying to get on the bus carrying everything might be unsafe. Is it less safe than leaving the carrier and loading everything first? That's really hard to quantify.

When my husband and I have an argument about what is safer, we make a list of all the possibilities and of what the WORST possible outcome of each is. (within reason -- no fair saying "A Giant Asteroid could fall on us!"

And then we choose based on which option has the least bad likely outcome. This method seems fair and objective, and takes into account that we really do just want our children to be safe; might have different ways of going about it though, and we both are adults with our own opinions.

To be honest, I don't really see much of a difference between all your choices in terms of which one would be worse. Personally I think your husband has a point. But even if you fix your problem of getting on the bus, you will still need a way to resolve future differences on what is safe and not safe for your child.

With us, the worst one was how close to a busy street our toddler could play (like on a sidewalk with chalk) and how close the parent needed to be to the child. DH thought out child wasn't a "bolter" and knew to stay on the sidewalk. I thought child USUALLY stayed on the sidewalk , but he was only 2, and you never know when he could decide to walk into the street. I wanted my husband to stay within a few feet of child, not further way, reading the paper, or chatting on the phone. (I did get him finally to agree with me on this one; but there have been other issues he got me to agree. Still we approached the discussion with a basic understanding that neither one wanted out child to be seriously hurt.)

[Anonymous]

I agree that the real issue here is how you communicate and you got some great advice here.

I commuted on the bus with baby for 2 1/2 years. I never waited to fold the snap and go until the bus arrived. I usually had it down and ready to go with baby in one hand and frame in the other. My baby bag was a backpack. If I didn't need it, the baby went in the carrier. The baby went on the bus first if I had more and I made a point of telling driver that I had another item. They always waited. I would not have done it in reverse.

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer the larger question - yes, we too had our biggest strain in our marriage after the birth of our first child. We were at odds over everything regarding baby, grandparents, etc. I turned out to be a different mama than I thought I would be (e.g., more laid back and not so schedule oriented), and neither of us saw how DH would react to the stress of being a dad. He's very much a control freak (he admits it), and as you know kids make your life unpredictable. We thought about whether we could have prevented some of the discord, but honestly, I don't think either of us would have imagined how we would react to this situation (of baby) until we were actually in it.

Hang in there. Talk a lot (with as few inflammatory phrases, tone, etc.) as possible. And try to come to a better place. It's taken us 3 years, but we're getting there - still not a picnic, but we're working on it.

[Anonymous]

OP is as guilty as her husband. Carseats are for cars. Commuting is safer and more comfortable
with a sling.
I can't understand why people take care seats out of the car!
The cases of plagiocephaly have increased because we don't hold our babies enough. Instead they sleep on their backs and sit in the car seat the rest of the time.

[Anonymous]

to 14:17, I don't commute on a regular basis with the baby on the bus. He is walked to and from daycare--about 15 minutes total in the stroller or carrier per day. The rest of the time he is held, or has tummy/mat time. I have taken the car seat/stroller combo on the bus perhaps 4 times in 3 months of his young life. He doesn't particularly like being in the sling for long periods, so if I am going to go out and about with him, I take the stroller. I always make sure to take him out of it frequently and make sure he doesn't spend long periods in it. that being said, one night DH was trying to get our fussy boy to sleep and insisted on putting him in the car carrier all night. I insisted that it was unsafe (there have been kids who asphyxiated)--yet another example of our parenting differences and probably the fight that sparked the heated feelings over yesterday's issue.

anyway, to the rest of the posters, you gave some good advice about trying to co-parent better. We are both convinced we were right--(DH yelled at me that my way was wrong and his way right), time to forget it and move on. But it is unsettling when you and your partner have different ideas about safety. I'm all for compromise in our relationship, but not when it comes to making sure our son is safe. And the hard part is having a good perspective on myself--I do really wonder whether I am overreacting or not, which is why it was good to get more objective feedback. Anyway, time to move on.