How did you know it was time to "break up" with your best friend?

[Anonymous]

I knew it was time to break up with my college BFF when I realized she used her friends, me included, to act out her own insecurities. When I was single or getting over a break up, she was attached to my side, but always tried to coax me down a path of questionable decisions. I began to see what she was doing and also how she was using other people (friends, kind men who were interested in her, etc) and began to distance myself. I found out she was badmouthing me and my fiancé and that was it. Haven’t spoken to her since. I took it hard at the time but in hindsight I know we weren’t meant to stay friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going thru this right now. It kind of hurts.

Age 41, friend is 45. Met when we were 25 and 29 working in NYC biglaw, very similar work lives etc. Our backgrounds/interests were entirely different though yet at that age and for the 10-12 years after, it didn't matter much as we just had a lot of fun. She is much more anti-corporate, civic minded etc., I'm much more - traditional views of success, make $$ etc. She did biglaw for 4 years (to pay off loans) and left for a non profit and a series of solo practice offices because she wanted to represent regular people. I stayed for 10 years and went in house in finance. We used to talk 1-2x/wk and text many times a week for YEARS, until ~March 2020.

In the last 2 years though no matter what topic comes up, she ALWAYS finds a way to bring it back to how unfair/unequal the world is; racism (we're different races but neither is white); how much wealthy people suck; progressive politics etc. She doesn't say it but she looks down on me for making $$$ rather than going into a helping job + leaving NYC for a better lifestyle/house etc. It's not that we always used to talk about careers/$$$, we didn't. But having someone who only wants to lecture about race/inequality has shown me how different our life views are.

Even recently she texted that she was so happy to see people in HER neighborhood (Harlem) having fun at a block party; I responded - yeah it's nice to see people out and having fun again here too. Her response - well it means more in MY neighborhood because the pandemic has been SO HARD for people here. I get it . . . your avg person in N Arlington tends not to work at Chipotle and teleworked, but my god do we ALWAYS have to discuss how put out certain populations are??

We barely talk now. Haven't spoken by phone in over a year. We'll go 1-2 months w/o texting; I usually break the silence and if she's in the mood we'll have a fun back and forth about TV/sports/whatever just like old times but if she isn't I don't even get a response or get a "K" type of response.

Your former friend sounds like an awful and racist person. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

For me, she stopped respecting my time at all. Canceling plans last minute & et ceteral. I was not allowed to be sadened or upset about it at all so she started trying to provoke me so that it would be my fault. I was'nt ever allowed to be upset

[Anonymous]

I had someone who considered me to be her close friend, although I did not view her as such. We had known each other since early childhood, and drifted as we got older. She once called me out of the blue and asked me to do a favor for her. I carefully explained why, both personally and professionally, doing the favor would be unethical — after I had laboriously explained other reasons why I would not do what she asked. She then said : “But I was going to pay you.” And followed this with some disparaging comments about my professionalism. I was done.

Years later, I’m still stunned that someone would actually have the temerity to imagine that I might be willing to do something unethical for “pay”. I have continued to keep a healthy distance despite having lifelong friends in common.

I have spoken with her occasionally, but she is permanently in my “not a friend, not someone with my best interests at heart” file, although she continues to reach out to me periodically.

[Anonymous]

One day she was criticizing my decision at the time not to have kids and pursue my career. Something broke in me when she told I would have a kid with Down syndrome if I keep delaying having kids. This along with comments she previously made toward a mutual friend, criticizing her parenting (e.g., how could she work and have a nanny, how could she go on vacation without her children, etc.). I realized how toxic she was and could no longer tolerate this in my life. I told her she was in no position to judge anyone and I was tired of her sanctimonious attitude. Haven’t spoken to her since and never looked back.

[Anonymous]

It was a slow thing. I realized that all we were doing was talking about her issues. Her job, her kids, her partner. Do not get me wrong, I loved to listen. I felt like she did not return the favor. The problem is that she did have a more important and harder job, I did not had a kid, or partner issues. She actually asked me once to talk about my problems but then any time I did talk about them she complained that it was too much and she did not have space/time. She took took took and then my therapist said it was toxic. My therapist explained at as sunk costs. I kept throwing more attention at her hoping she would be a good friend eventually and I did not break it off but tried to be less emotionally involved. I felt sad because she did not many friends but I guess this is why.

Can anyone else relate?

[Anonymous]

She broke up with me through a series of texts in which she screamed "F* YOU" in all caps, told me how selfish I was, said she never wanted to speak with me again, etc. This was because she and my nephew are in similar, but not identical careers, and I had said I wished he would do something else. They are completely different ages and were at different stages in their lives, but whatever. Obviously, from her POV this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

From my POV I realized that she would criticize me constantly. She would say "when I said x, you should have said z, not y." And "I was really angry when you said x," weeks after I had said x. I always felt like shit after seeing her, but we had been friends for so long I guess I didn't realize it. I tried to be a good friend but we just didn't see eye-to-eye on anything and I didn't measure up. It was a lot like my relationship with my XH, actually.

I was really hurt after the breakup. She tried to re-enter my life after years of silence and I was polite but definitely very cool. I just don't want to resume that friendship.

[Anonymous]

Mine was not my best friend, but certainly a very close friend, and I'm not sure who "broke up" with who, but it was sad nonetheless. We met in high school, reconnected after college while studying for the LSAT, and then were good friends for 10+ years following, even though we rarely lived in the same city and only saw each other a few times a year.

The same year I moved back to the city she lived in, my dad had just passed away and I was grieving as well as helping take care of my mom, who lived nearby. So I unfortunately didn't have as much time to hang out with her as she wanted, which I apologized for and tried to make up for by texting/calling regularly. Finally after about 8 months she started ghosting my texts so I called her to ask what was wrong. She told me I was selfish and not a good friend for not hanging out with her enough and listening her to complaints about being single and dating in her 30s (keep in mind I was also single at the time, so not like I was a smug married or something). I asked her to meet up so we could discuss, and we had a long lunch where she aired out her grievances. I addressed what I could, told her that I was in a rough spot less than a year after my dad's death, and said I hoped we could stay friends, but was going to leave the ball in her court. She walked away and never contacted me again. I did see her at a party a few years later and she acted like she didn't know me at all. It was super sad and I still feel bad about it if i think about it too much.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can tell you that I wish I’d done it a decade earlier.

[Anonymous]

Never had a true best friend but I've had a couple painful break ups with close friends. Both breakups were semi-related -- I went through a really tumultuous few years in my mid-30s and I think it really tested a few friendships that were used to me being extremely drama free. I wouldn't say I decided I needed to break up with them, but in retrospect it was really obvious that these were things that had been building for a long time.

One of the breakups was just because my friend loved to gossip and I hated it. I didn't like listening to her gossip about others, I didn't gossip with her, and I knew she gossiped about me sometimes and I hated it. It's just who she is. I couldn't take it so I cut things off. The precipitating event was that I suspected she'd shared something pretty personal about me with people I really, really did not want to know. I confronted her and she denied it but in a weird way, claiming that she couldn't have done it because she hadn't spoken to the people in question "in years." I knew that was a lie, and that she'd spent time with these people recently. I still don't know if she actually was the one to tell them this thing about me, but the fact that she responded with something I knew was a lie was just this huge red flag. I tried to talk it through with her but she was crazy defensive and I realized I couldn't trust her and that I couldn't share other personal things with her. That pretty much killed it.

The other one was more complicated. I don't know how to summarize it. But it winds up amounting to the same thing, which is that when you find you can't trust a friend enough to tell them important or personal things about your life, there's just not much left. This only applies to someone I consider a close friend -- I obviously have lighter, less close friendships with people I just like hanging out with because they are fun or funny or share an interest with me. But once I open up to someone, a serious breach of trust is harder to repair. You are vulnerable with a close friend, and I've found that once I feel used or betrayed by someone I've been vulnerable with, I just don't want to be around them anymore.

It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She broke up with me through a series of texts in which she screamed "F* YOU" in all caps, told me how selfish I was, said she never wanted to speak with me again, etc. This was because she and my nephew are in similar, but not identical careers, and I had said I wished he would do something else. They are completely different ages and were at different stages in their lives, but whatever. Obviously, from her POV this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

From my POV I realized that she would criticize me constantly. She would say "when I said x, you should have said z, not y." And "I was really angry when you said x," weeks after I had said x. I always felt like shit after seeing her, but we had been friends for so long I guess I didn't realize it. I tried to be a good friend but we just didn't see eye-to-eye on anything and I didn't measure up. It was a lot like my relationship with my XH, actually.

I was really hurt after the breakup. She tried to re-enter my life after years of silence and I was polite but definitely very cool. I just don't want to resume that friendship.

Dang. I think I also feel like crap after seeing my best friend. She is so self-centered and needlessly cruel. Why am I still friends with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can tell you that I wish I’d done it a decade earlier.

A DECADE? What was going on?

[Anonymous]

My BFF talked crap about me to her fiancee, her ex, her 2-3 sort of friends who she also hated, etc. I knew. She thought she was a very good liar and let me tell you. No. I let it go for a long time, because everyone needs to vent but eventually it started hurting mutuel friendships and her boyfriend hated me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I'm getting there and want to hear your stories.

After she had a child, become a selfish horrible human towards everyone including her husband. Slowly ignore her until she gets the picture. Not worth the air to explain what’s wrong with her. People don’t change back to why you want. Move on, find another great group of supportive friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a slow thing. I realized that all we were doing was talking about her issues. Her job, her kids, her partner. Do not get me wrong, I loved to listen. I felt like she did not return the favor. The problem is that she did have a more important and harder job, I did not had a kid, or partner issues. She actually asked me once to talk about my problems but then any time I did talk about them she complained that it was too much and she did not have space/time. She took took took and then my therapist said it was toxic. My therapist explained at as sunk costs. I kept throwing more attention at her hoping she would be a good friend eventually and I did not break it off but tried to be less emotionally involved. I felt sad because she did not many friends but I guess this is why.

Can anyone else relate?

Did we have the same friend? Ha! Broke up with the same ego personality trait.