ASD child obsessed over friend

[Anonymous]

My ADHD son has the opposite problem. There is a girl who has a crush on him. She likes him one day then hates him the next day. He comes home with letters and drawings from her. She kicked him a few weeks ago and nothing was done because he is seen has a kid with some behavior problems who must have done something to upset her. Recently, she got him in trouble at school by lying about him. He missed some recesses but now I am concerned she might get really mad and try to get him suspended. His sister is sort of friends with this girl. She told our daughter that she is sorry about lying and wants to apologize to him next week. His sister has saved some screenshots of messages where she said she is sorry that he got in trouble because of those lies. We are saving the letters and drawings also just in case. My son said he wanted to change schools because of this. This girl lives with her grandma and may not have a lot of supervision. I am trying to figure out how best to intervene for my son because he does not have the skills to deal with this. OP’s situation might be very different but I think parents or grandparents should try to limit obsessive behavior because it can be stressful for the kids who are on the receiving end of the obsession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ADHD son has the opposite problem. There is a girl who has a crush on him. She likes him one day then hates him the next day. He comes home with letters and drawings from her. She kicked him a few weeks ago and nothing was done because he is seen has a kid with some behavior problems who must have done something to upset her. Recently, she got him in trouble at school by lying about him. He missed some recesses but now I am concerned she might get really mad and try to get him suspended. His sister is sort of friends with this girl. She told our daughter that she is sorry about lying and wants to apologize to him next week. His sister has saved some screenshots of messages where she said she is sorry that he got in trouble because of those lies. We are saving the letters and drawings also just in case. My son said he wanted to change schools because of this. This girl lives with her grandma and may not have a lot of supervision. I am trying to figure out how best to intervene for my son because he does not have the skills to deal with this. OP’s situation might be very different but I think parents or grandparents should try to limit obsessive behavior because it can be stressful for the kids who are on the receiving end of the obsession.

I think it’s time to email the school counselor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ADHD son has the opposite problem. There is a girl who has a crush on him. She likes him one day then hates him the next day. He comes home with letters and drawings from her. She kicked him a few weeks ago and nothing was done because he is seen has a kid with some behavior problems who must have done something to upset her. Recently, she got him in trouble at school by lying about him. He missed some recesses but now I am concerned she might get really mad and try to get him suspended. His sister is sort of friends with this girl. She told our daughter that she is sorry about lying and wants to apologize to him next week. His sister has saved some screenshots of messages where she said she is sorry that he got in trouble because of those lies. We are saving the letters and drawings also just in case. My son said he wanted to change schools because of this. This girl lives with her grandma and may not have a lot of supervision. I am trying to figure out how best to intervene for my son because he does not have the skills to deal with this. OP’s situation might be very different but I think parents or grandparents should try to limit obsessive behavior because it can be stressful for the kids who are on the receiving end of the obsession.

Huh? Even before you laid out the evidence I was saying "go tell.the school your side". Now that you have the screen shots - even more so.
March into that school and speak with the vice principal and counselor and teacher.
Tell them your son is being harassed and has been unjustly punished because of this targeted harassment and you deman that it stop.

As a SN parent we tend to think no one is going to understand or our kid won't be believed etc and so we do k down when there's trouble. Bit you owe it to your child and yourself to stand up for him and demand it stop.
If it was a boy who kicked a girl and lied and gaslight the adults etc it would be a different picture.
Go stand up for your son!

[Anonymous]

I was like this as a kid. It morphed into relationships. It's the ADHD. We hyper focus on one relationship due to the inability to maintain several relationships. She will grow out of it, rejection won't kill her. As she grows older she will learn the social cues that come along with relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was like this as a kid. It morphed into relationships. It's the ADHD. We hyper focus on one relationship due to the inability to maintain several relationships. She will grow out of it, rejection won't kill her. As she grows older she will learn the social cues that come along with relationships.

But it’s not her peer group’s job to teach her this via rejection. It’s her parents’. OP specifically said that she didn’t intervene and people are explaining that that will not lead to the success she wants.

[Anonymous]

My son could be like this in the past, but I made it clear it was unacceptable and I monitored it. It's not just doing social skills group. You have to monitor it daily and be direct, but also praise often for good choices. Also, we monitored all texts, etc until he showed he could handle independence. When we monitored, we did not let him text again, if he did not hear back. If he invited a kid to hang out and the person had any excuse, we made it clear the "ball is now in HIS court" and what that means.

My son has been on the other side of this and I was surprised the parent went along and encouraged. The mom started texting me constantly for hangouts after my child had declined and I had declined and she was not on the spectrum herself. If anything she got really manipulative in her texts and could be quite charming in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was like this as a kid. It morphed into relationships. It's the ADHD. We hyper focus on one relationship due to the inability to maintain several relationships. She will grow out of it, rejection won't kill her. As she grows older she will learn the social cues that come along with relationships.

Why did you revive this thread? It's from 2021.

[Anonymous]

Yes, DS was like this. He eventually decided he wanted to change because he couldn’t keep any friends. We hired a social skills coach that he met with weekly which helped a lot with understanding categories of friends, how often to text, social cues, etc.

There were enough opportunities for him to interact with kids at school so we decided against the social skills group. 1:1 coaching worked best since he could practice what he learned in real life.

He’s 16 now and has a handful of friends and a lot of acquaintances. The hard part now is he knows what do to in scenarios he’s encountered before or been coached on. It’s brand new social scenarios that are a challenge because he doesn’t have those instincts to know what to do.

He’s ok with making mistakes and just learns from it for next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, DS was like this. He eventually decided he wanted to change because he couldn’t keep any friends. We hired a social skills coach that he met with weekly which helped a lot with understanding categories of friends, how often to text, social cues, etc.

There were enough opportunities for him to interact with kids at school so we decided against the social skills group. 1:1 coaching worked best since he could practice what he learned in real life.

He’s 16 now and has a handful of friends and a lot of acquaintances. The hard part now is he knows what do to in scenarios he’s encountered before or been coached on. It’s brand new social scenarios that are a challenge because he doesn’t have those instincts to know what to do.

He’s ok with making mistakes and just learns from it for next time.

Just realized this thread is 3 years old!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she would benefit from the "social thinking" program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she would benefit from the "social thinking" program.

I know this is an old thread, but wondering if anyone has suggestions for managing this in a younger child (early elementary age)? I have an ADHDer who hyperfocuses on one friend and I want to nip this in the bud before the friend sours on them. He hasn’t been diagnosed with ASD but label doesn’t matter - want to better understand how to manage this behavior.

Thanks for any suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In person. Only wants to hang out with that person and 24/7. Constantly texting them and wanting to hang out. Way beyond normal. Doctors say targeting the flexibility and taking social skills classes will help. I’m looking for success stories since we are at the early stages of interventions and she’s not responding. DD won’t or can’t acknowledge the issue at the moment but she’s not in total denial about the ASD. I don’t intervene in these friendships. I feel terrible for both DD and the targeted friend. It’s exhausting for all of us.

My son was like this at that age. He was diagnosed at 11, although we had noticed issues with this previously. Sadly, it took a few years for him to be willing to lighten up, but at 15 he's doing MUCH better with this. He did change school districts for high school (moved in with his other parent - we've been separated for years), and that seemed to have helped because it gave him a totally fresh start. He's still a bit behind his peers socially, but the gap is narrowing and the interventions we've been doing seem to be helping.

[Anonymous]

You have to intervene and be clear. It cannot happen. My child with ASD did this at 6 or 7 and we made strict rules. It worked. He was had a friend become obsessed with him at around `13 or so and it drove him nuts. The mom did not intervene, in fact she started obsessively contacting me when my child and I both had already declined. We were clear. Neither of us said "maybe next time" or anything to leave the door open. My son would have been friends with this kid if it were not so suffocating. He had other friends and was sick of the crying/demanding and obsessive texting after he asked the boy to stop.

I agree with the poster who said this whole business of "I don't get involved" only works if your kid is developmentally ready. If your kid is doing something that makes other kids very uncomfortable, get involved and stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG take the phone away! No 12 year old needs a phone 24-7. Set some boundaries on phone time, or disable texting so that she can only practice it under supervision when you log her in.

This. Wouldn’t recommend for an NT child but for an ND one this is the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like this as a kid. It morphed into relationships. It's the ADHD. We hyper focus on one relationship due to the inability to maintain several relationships. She will grow out of it, rejection won't kill her. As she grows older she will learn the social cues that come along with relationships.

Why did you revive this thread? It's from 2021.

Thank you, PP, for reviving this thread! My kid used to be like when he was younger, and it is interesting reading the OP and all the responses.