ASD child obsessed over friend

[Anonymous]

DD develops an intense focus on one particular friend which always results in burn out and an end to the friendship. The other child eventually becomes overwhelmed by this obsession and ends the friendship. DD cannot recognize the pattern but we see it coming every time. We have tried to explain and coach but nothing works.

Anyone experience this? Does it improve with age? She’s 12yrs old and this has been going on since kindergarten. We have a number of interventions already in place including PEERS. What worked for your family?

[Anonymous]

Is this happening on social media or in person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this happening on social media or in person?

If it’s been happening since kindergarten, probably not social media.

[Anonymous]

In person. Only wants to hang out with that person and 24/7. Constantly texting them and wanting to hang out. Way beyond normal. Doctors say targeting the flexibility and taking social skills classes will help. I’m looking for success stories since we are at the early stages of interventions and she’s not responding. DD won’t or can’t acknowledge the issue at the moment but she’s not in total denial about the ASD. I don’t intervene in these friendships. I feel terrible for both DD and the targeted friend. It’s exhausting for all of us.

[Anonymous]

My teen with HFA was like this when he was younger. We spelled it out to him and would not allow him to keep asking the same kid over or to keep obsessing about the same friend. We made a huge deal out of everytime he mentioned a new friend. Over and over we gave the message it's important to have many friends and how it's normal for kids to need breaks from eachother now and then. It did sink in, but he still asks me "Is it too soon to text so and so again" or "Is it too soon to ask blip if he wants to hang out this weekend?" The good news it's not just one kid. We have a good sense of who considers him a close friend and will want to see him more often vs. who is a kid who is a friend, but who has many friends and will not want to be that close to our son if that makes sense.

We do not allow constantly texting a kid or constantly trying to FaceTime and if he did not listen we would have a consequence. Nobody wants to feel stalked. In fact, our son had an obsessive friend in elementary who would cry if our son didn't play with him every day or our son left to play with someone else. The friend also kept inviting him over and would not accept no. We talked a lot about how he liked this kid, but then that behavior made him want to run away. It made sense to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In person. Only wants to hang out with that person and 24/7. Constantly texting them and wanting to hang out. Way beyond normal. Doctors say targeting the flexibility and taking social skills classes will help. I’m looking for success stories since we are at the early stages of interventions and she’s not responding. DD won’t or can’t acknowledge the issue at the moment but she’s not in total denial about the ASD. I don’t intervene in these friendships. I feel terrible for both DD and the targeted friend. It’s exhausting for all of us.

This is your mistake. Parents of NT will advise you often to stay out of it at this age. That is not the case for a kid on the spectrum who is doing concerning behavior with friends. You absolutely must intervene and make it clear this is not OK. This could be highly upsetting to the friend and it will likely lead to more social rejection. You need to be very clear about what this is a problem. There is a guy/therapist on youtube who gives great advice about kids on the spectrum and those with ADHD. There are kids who scratch themselves inappropriately and do other offputting behaviors. You don't just let the peers teach them to stop. You, the parent, need to make it crystal clear this is not OK, why, how it makes other children feel and that it must stop. Have you ever experienced stalking behavior in your life? it's really disturbing and violating. We can excuse disturbing behavior because our kids have disabilities.

[Anonymous]

Sorry...we CANNOT excuse disturbing behavior in our kids because of a disability. Some things have to be taught explicitly over and over.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think your child needs explicit teaching on how much interaction is appropriate. That means monitoring texts. “See, Sally didn’t respond immediately after you texted her the last time. That means she is done for now. Don’t text her again.” Or “when you FaceTimed Sally and she didn’t pick up that means she needs space or can’t talk. She will feel annoyed if you keep FaceTiming her because not answering means “not now”.

[Anonymous]

OMG take the phone away! No 12 year old needs a phone 24-7. Set some boundaries on phone time, or disable texting so that she can only practice it under supervision when you log her in.

[Anonymous]

OMG take the phone away! No 12 year old needs a phone 24-7. Set some boundaries on phone time, or disable texting so that she can only practice it under supervision when you log her in.

[Anonymous]

This was me as a kid, way, WAY before any of this was talked about. Perhaps not what I would recommend now, but I was a huge reader and when I was 12-15 instinctively gravitated towards 'social business books' -- namely, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and Use What You've Got.

In other words: I had to be *taught* how to Social. Books, social skills classes, acting classes, and most importantly like the other posters said -- EXPLICIT INSTRUCTION. If DD won't hear it from you, find someone else - I'm sure there are a TikTokers and YouTubers who do 'friendship coaching' style videos if DD isn't a reader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In person. Only wants to hang out with that person and 24/7. Constantly texting them and wanting to hang out. Way beyond normal. Doctors say targeting the flexibility and taking social skills classes will help. I’m looking for success stories since we are at the early stages of interventions and she’s not responding. DD won’t or can’t acknowledge the issue at the moment but she’s not in total denial about the ASD. I don’t intervene in these friendships. I feel terrible for both DD and the targeted friend. It’s exhausting for all of us.

This is your mistake. Parents of NT will advise you often to stay out of it at this age. That is not the case for a kid on the spectrum who is doing concerning behavior with friends. You absolutely must intervene and make it clear this is not OK. This could be highly upsetting to the friend and it will likely lead to more social rejection. You need to be very clear about what this is a problem. There is a guy/therapist on youtube who gives great advice about kids on the spectrum and those with ADHD. There are kids who scratch themselves inappropriately and do other offputting behaviors. You don't just let the peers teach them to stop. You, the parent, need to make it crystal clear this is not OK, why, how it makes other children feel and that it must stop. Have you ever experienced stalking behavior in your life? it's really disturbing and violating. We can excuse disturbing behavior because our kids have disabilities.

Came here to say this.

I have HFA and acted the same way as a kid and teen.
Please.. this *is* the disability. She can't figure it out from experience and the social clues. You need to intervene 100%.

[Anonymous]

OMG this is my 12 yo DD with ASD. It’s actually why I pursued the ASD diagnosis (she already had adhd and odd). It’s really easy to say this is a parenting fail but you haven’t parented my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I think your child needs explicit teaching on how much interaction is appropriate. That means monitoring texts. “See, Sally didn’t respond immediately after you texted her the last time. That means she is done for now. Don’t text her again.” Or “when you FaceTimed Sally and she didn’t pick up that means she needs space or can’t talk. She will feel annoyed if you keep FaceTiming her because not answering means “not now”.

Well done! I like how you do not try to blame the other kid.

There was a kid in our high school who hounded a NT kid, then the NT kid was assaulted, because the other kid could not take no for an answer. The mom had hounded the NT's kid's parents, too - terrible example of what not to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG this is my 12 yo DD with ASD. It’s actually why I pursued the ASD diagnosis (she already had adhd and odd). It’s really easy to say this is a parenting fail but you haven’t parented my kid.

Well this wasn't about you. The op literally said she doesn't intervene.