How do you know if your parenting “rules” are followed by caregivers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really have to find someone who has your same values. It's hard because if you feel strongly about screen time and eating habits, you must know that adhering to those values is more work up front for a caregiver. That means you need a nanny who is committed to doing that work. Nannies resort to screen time and junk food for the same reasons parents do -- it's easier and they need a break. Lots of nannies also sit at the playground staring at their phones the whole time too, just like parents do. Nannies are people.

Don't hold your nanny to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If you don't allow your kid to look at your phone ever, but do allow him to watch a 20 minute episode of some pre-approved shows, definitely let your nanny do that too (it will make the phone rule easier to follow). And on food, you can make the nannies job a lot easier if you just provide all the food yourself and make sure that you have healthy snacks you know your child will eat. Don't insist on a bunch of vegetables your child nibbles around while looking for a cracker, and then get mad when the nanny gives your kid crackers. Be realistic.

The nanny is being paid and not an equal. Her job is 100% the kids.

True button kids, especially little kids, don’t know that. “Mommy lets me!” is exhausting and frustrating for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have Very Long Days--you need to be realistic that your nanny needs a break at some point, especially if you expect her to prepare meals. I'm not big on screen time (I don't even own a TV but watch a few things on my MacBook at home) but will allow kids to watch a show while I make lunch (or dinner.) It makes for a nice and predictable transition and kids need and love predictability.

For food--hire a nanny who knows about nutrition to some degree. Ask in the interview for a few meal ideas that she would feed the kids--protein (PB, ham, turkey, eggs, cheese, yogurt etc) plus a carb or two (bread, tortilla, fruit, veg etc). Also, be realistic that at some point she might just want to give them a treat--go out for a donut or hot chocolate or something. Should that happen regularly? No, but will once or twice a month really be that bad? No.

Ultimately, find someone a bit older, and relax!! Just accept not everyone is going to do things exactly like you.

Or look for someone anti-screen and anti-added sugar. I promise, we exist; and we don’t have to resort to screens and take out when we do treats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have Very Long Days--you need to be realistic that your nanny needs a break at some point, especially if you expect her to prepare meals. I'm not big on screen time (I don't even own a TV but watch a few things on my MacBook at home) but will allow kids to watch a show while I make lunch (or dinner.) It makes for a nice and predictable transition and kids need and love predictability.

For food--hire a nanny who knows about nutrition to some degree. Ask in the interview for a few meal ideas that she would feed the kids--protein (PB, ham, turkey, eggs, cheese, yogurt etc) plus a carb or two (bread, tortilla, fruit, veg etc). Also, be realistic that at some point she might just want to give them a treat--go out for a donut or hot chocolate or something. Should that happen regularly? No, but will once or twice a month really be that bad? No.

Ultimately, find someone a bit older, and relax!! Just accept not everyone is going to do things exactly like you.

Or look for someone anti-screen and anti-added sugar. I promise, we exist; and we don’t have to resort to screens and take out when we do treats.

Anybody can say anything during the interview--doesn't mean they'll actually follow through. Learn to let.it.go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really have to find someone who has your same values. It's hard because if you feel strongly about screen time and eating habits, you must know that adhering to those values is more work up front for a caregiver. That means you need a nanny who is committed to doing that work. Nannies resort to screen time and junk food for the same reasons parents do -- it's easier and they need a break. Lots of nannies also sit at the playground staring at their phones the whole time too, just like parents do. Nannies are people.

Don't hold your nanny to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If you don't allow your kid to look at your phone ever, but do allow him to watch a 20 minute episode of some pre-approved shows, definitely let your nanny do that too (it will make the phone rule easier to follow). And on food, you can make the nannies job a lot easier if you just provide all the food yourself and make sure that you have healthy snacks you know your child will eat. Don't insist on a bunch of vegetables your child nibbles around while looking for a cracker, and then get mad when the nanny gives your kid crackers. Be realistic.

The nanny is being paid and not an equal. Her job is 100% the kids.

NP so what? It’s important to maintain consistency. Unfair for parents to slack off and give kids junk food and TV and then expect nanny not too.

For me - I prepare all food for DC, healthful food, but treat them to Chick Fil A or similar once a week. I allow the same amount of TV with nanny that I allow with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thought about this question in relation to screentime - can you realistically know if nanny is giving DC her phone to watch video clips on for instance if you don’t want to introduce screentime- but applies to broader questions as well (eating habits etc). I know many posters will just say you can’t control DC or nanny, which is obviously true, but I still want to parent and don’t want to just close one eye.

Agreement prior to employment, then nanny cams. Also, observe your child, even if non-verbal - if they whine for the phone that means something. Ours has seen exactly zero cartoons or shows in his life, so if nanny gives him her phone to watch them, it will be obvious.

If you allow screen time - it's a different ball game. In that case I would not share the password to wifi - whatever she gives them to watch is coming off her data plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have Very Long Days--you need to be realistic that your nanny needs a break at some point, especially if you expect her to prepare meals. I'm not big on screen time (I don't even own a TV but watch a few things on my MacBook at home) but will allow kids to watch a show while I make lunch (or dinner.) It makes for a nice and predictable transition and kids need and love predictability.

For food--hire a nanny who knows about nutrition to some degree. Ask in the interview for a few meal ideas that she would feed the kids--protein (PB, ham, turkey, eggs, cheese, yogurt etc) plus a carb or two (bread, tortilla, fruit, veg etc). Also, be realistic that at some point she might just want to give them a treat--go out for a donut or hot chocolate or something. Should that happen regularly? No, but will once or twice a month really be that bad? No.

Ultimately, find someone a bit older, and relax!! Just accept not everyone is going to do things exactly like you.

Or look for someone anti-screen and anti-added sugar. I promise, we exist; and we don’t have to resort to screens and take out when we do treats.

Anybody can say anything during the interview--doesn't mean they'll actually follow through. Learn to let.it.go.

That’s what reference calls are for. How did the nanny start/support/do potty training? What types of behavior did the nanny encourage and how did she encourage it? What did she do for treats, what did the child do to earn them, and what was the frequency?

I am adamant about no screens before 2 and limited screens 2-5 (three minute cute clip of a dance/science teacher directing preschoolers to explain thunder and lightning is great, more is not). I don’t do added sugars or empty calories, unless the pediatrician is specifically stating that (never happens, instead they boost calories by increasing cheese, avocado and nuts). And I will walk away from a family who is otherwise great if we aren’t a match on those.

There is zero reason for OP to just “let it go” if it’s important to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thought about this question in relation to screentime - can you realistically know if nanny is giving DC her phone to watch video clips on for instance if you don’t want to introduce screentime- but applies to broader questions as well (eating habits etc). I know many posters will just say you can’t control DC or nanny, which is obviously true, but I still want to parent and don’t want to just close one eye.

Then you should stay home and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thought about this question in relation to screentime - can you realistically know if nanny is giving DC her phone to watch video clips on for instance if you don’t want to introduce screentime- but applies to broader questions as well (eating habits etc). I know many posters will just say you can’t control DC or nanny, which is obviously true, but I still want to parent and don’t want to just close one eye.

Then you should stay home and parent.

Ridiculous response.

Just hire the best nanny you can afford who shares your values. Seriously, it’s not that hard. Our nanny is hardline anti-screen and anti junk food and all her references reported the same. She also insisted we have nanny cams in the house because she said she’s proud of her work. Neighbors told us how she was always talking to and engaging our son when she was out with him.

Be clear on your expectations, OP.

But you

[Anonymous]

Nanny here/ Usually it’s the opposite, parents make rules for thee but not for me. We can’t do screen time (which is fair I’m being paid!), all meals are homemade, we have to be the clown for 12 hours. Parents do that, McDonald’s, and kids play by themselves. I’m fine with thst, as I’m being paid BUT lazy parenting makes my job so much harder when the kids don’t understand why I isn’t let them have an iPad all day or watch TV at dinner.

[Anonymous]

*parents do TV (not ‘that’) - typo

[Anonymous]

OP, you either become a SAHP, or you are going to relinquish some control. Yes, you could put cameras in every room and micromanage constantly, but a) at that level of involvement you may as well stay home and b) the clown car of revolving door nannies that would lead to is much worse than some occasional tv.

If you are open to letting go, start by figuring out what a truly competitive wage is for your area and offer at least that. Interview extensively and have a detailed contract so that you have plenty of time to see that you are both on the same page. If your nanny is working 40-50 hours a week, then no screens/no sugar is pretty reasonable. If you are one of those families with a 70-hour per week nanny, then you may need to adjust to more realistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here/ Usually it’s the opposite, parents make rules for thee but not for me. We can’t do screen time (which is fair I’m being paid!), all meals are homemade, we have to be the clown for 12 hours. Parents do that, McDonald’s, and kids play by themselves. I’m fine with thst, as I’m being paid BUT lazy parenting makes my job so much harder when the kids don’t understand why I isn’t let them have an iPad all day or watch TV at dinner.

What a strange post. Parents want quality childcare, that's what they are supposed to do - to find a good caretaker. If they themselves sometimes fall short at something doesn't mean they should want bad childcare. Like, you might accidentally burn the food you're cooking, but if you go to a restaurant you wouldn't want to pay for a burnt dinner, right? Also any good nanny knows it's not about being a clown for 12 hrs, it's to engage with children, give them age appropriate stimulation and opportunities to develop and teach them skills including independent play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here/ Usually it’s the opposite, parents make rules for thee but not for me. We can’t do screen time (which is fair I’m being paid!), all meals are homemade, we have to be the clown for 12 hours. Parents do that, McDonald’s, and kids play by themselves. I’m fine with thst, as I’m being paid BUT lazy parenting makes my job so much harder when the kids don’t understand why I isn’t let them have an iPad all day or watch TV at dinner.

What a strange post. Parents want quality childcare, that's what they are supposed to do - to find a good caretaker. If they themselves sometimes fall short at something doesn't mean they should want bad childcare. Like, you might accidentally burn the food you're cooking, but if you go to a restaurant you wouldn't want to pay for a burnt dinner, right? Also any good nanny knows it's not about being a clown for 12 hrs, it's to engage with children, give them age appropriate stimulation and opportunities to develop and teach them skills including independent play.

It’s one thing to have slightly more lax rules for the parents than the nannies. But I have had families who had completely different expectations, and it is confusing for the kids and much harder for the nanny to have to be the only one enforcing things. My currently family is a bit like this. I feed the kids healthy meals (lots of fresh fruits and veggies), enforce nap times and no screen time and make the kids clean up after themselves. All while doing all the cooking, laundry and dishes for the kids (including for weekends).

The parents have a Saturday nanny so they only have to spend time with the kids on Sundays and they spend the entire day eating junk food (Dunkin for breakfast, McDonald’s for lunch, hot dogs for dinner, etc.) and watching tv. They also don’t make the kids clean anything up so I arrive every Monday to toy explosion, dirty dishes and kids who are constipated, overtired and antsy.

If you demand high standards from your nanny but have no standards for yourself, then you are lazy and disrespectful and the fact that you are paying someone doesn’t change my opinion on that.