How do you know if your parenting “rules” are followed by caregivers?

[Anonymous]

Thought about this question in relation to screentime - can you realistically know if nanny is giving DC her phone to watch video clips on for instance if you don’t want to introduce screentime- but applies to broader questions as well (eating habits etc). I know many posters will just say you can’t control DC or nanny, which is obviously true, but I still want to parent and don’t want to just close one eye.

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny whose judgement you trust and whose approach to managing children you respect. Even the most eager to please nannies, who are good at following parent rules, are going to fall back on their own instincts a lot of the time. Frankly their skill is part of what you are paying them for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a nanny whose judgement you trust and whose approach to managing children you respect. Even the most eager to please nannies, who are good at following parent rules, are going to fall back on their own instincts a lot of the time. Frankly their skill is part of what you are paying them for.

So the answer is to pick someone you trust and hope for the best? Sounds…unsatisfactory

[Anonymous]

Good nannies will follow your rules. And I know her - she’s more opposed to screentime and junk food than we are. She believes in a strict schedule. You see the results of the nanny’s influence in the behavior of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a nanny whose judgement you trust and whose approach to managing children you respect. Even the most eager to please nannies, who are good at following parent rules, are going to fall back on their own instincts a lot of the time. Frankly their skill is part of what you are paying them for.

So the answer is to pick someone you trust and hope for the best? Sounds…unsatisfactory

It’s the same with daycare or even grandparent care. You have to know your nanny and trust her.

[Anonymous]

You really have to find someone who has your same values. It's hard because if you feel strongly about screen time and eating habits, you must know that adhering to those values is more work up front for a caregiver. That means you need a nanny who is committed to doing that work. Nannies resort to screen time and junk food for the same reasons parents do -- it's easier and they need a break. Lots of nannies also sit at the playground staring at their phones the whole time too, just like parents do. Nannies are people.

Don't hold your nanny to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If you don't allow your kid to look at your phone ever, but do allow him to watch a 20 minute episode of some pre-approved shows, definitely let your nanny do that too (it will make the phone rule easier to follow). And on food, you can make the nannies job a lot easier if you just provide all the food yourself and make sure that you have healthy snacks you know your child will eat. Don't insist on a bunch of vegetables your child nibbles around while looking for a cracker, and then get mad when the nanny gives your kid crackers. Be realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good nannies will follow your rules. And I know her - she’s more opposed to screentime and junk food than we are. She believes in a strict schedule. You see the results of the nanny’s influence in the behavior of the child.

That's it, exactly. You want a nanny who is adamant about never using screens if you want limited screentime. If you want limited sugar, look for a nanny who is anti-added sugar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good nannies will follow your rules. And I know her - she’s more opposed to screentime and junk food than we are. She believes in a strict schedule. You see the results of the nanny’s influence in the behavior of the child.

That's it, exactly. You want a nanny who is adamant about never using screens if you want limited screentime. If you want limited sugar, look for a nanny who is anti-added sugar.

+2. It’s the same with our nanny. I trust her and know what she’s doing. Plus I had two early talkers and they would have told me.

[Anonymous]

If you have Very Long Days--you need to be realistic that your nanny needs a break at some point, especially if you expect her to prepare meals. I'm not big on screen time (I don't even own a TV but watch a few things on my MacBook at home) but will allow kids to watch a show while I make lunch (or dinner.) It makes for a nice and predictable transition and kids need and love predictability.

For food--hire a nanny who knows about nutrition to some degree. Ask in the interview for a few meal ideas that she would feed the kids--protein (PB, ham, turkey, eggs, cheese, yogurt etc) plus a carb or two (bread, tortilla, fruit, veg etc). Also, be realistic that at some point she might just want to give them a treat--go out for a donut or hot chocolate or something. Should that happen regularly? No, but will once or twice a month really be that bad? No.

Ultimately, find someone a bit older, and relax!! Just accept not everyone is going to do things exactly like you.

[Anonymous]

At some point you have to let go of trying to control everything. Your nanny/spouse/babysitter/family member will all do something with your kid that you might not do yourself. They might do it in a different way. They might do the exact opposite of what you want. The question is how can you communicate the non-negotiables with others. And how can you learn to be okay with a range of different ways well-meaning, competent and caring people will interact with your child when you are not present.

[Anonymous]

A good nanny will follow your rules or tell you why a rule is unhealthy in their opinion. You can find all this out during the interview. Our nanny told us she would not do Baby Wise or spank during the interview. She believes in no screens when she’s working and only makes very healthful food. I work from home so I know she isn’t lying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a nanny whose judgement you trust and whose approach to managing children you respect. Even the most eager to please nannies, who are good at following parent rules, are going to fall back on their own instincts a lot of the time. Frankly their skill is part of what you are paying them for.

So the answer is to pick someone you trust and hope for the best? Sounds…unsatisfactory

How do you know the dental hygienist cleaned all your teeth or your mechanic ran all the tests he said he did? How do you know your produce is truly organic or your your pharmacist gave you the right prescription?

A nanny is far easier to trust because you can see the results of her work. If your kid’s eyes light up at the sight of a Kit Kat wrapper or her first words are “Paw Patrol”, your nanny isn’t listening to you.

[Anonymous]

Nanny cams, and the kids make it clear if they can’t talk yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really have to find someone who has your same values. It's hard because if you feel strongly about screen time and eating habits, you must know that adhering to those values is more work up front for a caregiver. That means you need a nanny who is committed to doing that work. Nannies resort to screen time and junk food for the same reasons parents do -- it's easier and they need a break. Lots of nannies also sit at the playground staring at their phones the whole time too, just like parents do. Nannies are people.

Don't hold your nanny to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If you don't allow your kid to look at your phone ever, but do allow him to watch a 20 minute episode of some pre-approved shows, definitely let your nanny do that too (it will make the phone rule easier to follow). And on food, you can make the nannies job a lot easier if you just provide all the food yourself and make sure that you have healthy snacks you know your child will eat. Don't insist on a bunch of vegetables your child nibbles around while looking for a cracker, and then get mad when the nanny gives your kid crackers. Be realistic.

The nanny is being paid and not an equal. Her job is 100% the kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to find someone you trust and who has good judgment. And sometimes you just know. We had a part time nanny who we loved and who loved our kids. After a while I could just sense she was checked out (my sense was that she was depressed due to stuff going on in her life outside my kids) and I just felt she was not putting effort into nannying. I was messing around Netflix and I came across our history and lo and behold she had been playing cartoons for hours at a time. For our 1 and 2 year old. This was about the time she gave notice so I didn’t even bother to address it with her. But I wasn’t at all surprised. I could just feel it.