AITA: no longer sending pictures

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you cut off communication and the child's father no longer knows anything about the child, does that help or hurt your child? IMO it probably hurts your child. Why would you do something on purpose that hurts your child?

You're mad at the schmuck. I get it. But your child is the one who will suffer. Can't you keep it up for just a little longer until your child is a little older? Be better, OP.

This. You shouldn’t have to put forth this effort. You don’t have to put forth this effort. But it helps your kid. Try to think about the bigger picture. Sorry he’s an ahole.

[Anonymous]

I think you should do what you planned, op, with the caveat that you are gracious if he goes begins contacting you more and as a pp mentioned you don’t cut out grandparents and aunts/uncles who sincerely want their own relationship with your child. Source-I was in a situation very much like your child and everyone propped up my dad’s meager/infrequent efforts as if they were normal and he was a good/caring/involved father. But he wasn’t and by 8 I knew it. Somehow it felt as if we all had to pretend like I believed it for years more sort of like Santa. Don’t do that! I will say I had a pretty good grandparent relationship with my paternal grandmother that I’m grateful for. It was entirely separate from my dad.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused why he would be communicating with you through those avenues. Something doesn't make sense...

But to answer your question you keep doing the things you have been doing because it benefits your son, in a few more years you can hand things over to him completely. Don't hurt your son to spite your ex.

As for communication, you tell your in-laws you will be communicating with EX directly. That's it. That's the adult thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused why he would be communicating with you through those avenues. Something doesn't make sense...

But to answer your question you keep doing the things you have been doing because it benefits your son, in a few more years you can hand things over to him completely. Don't hurt your son to spite your ex.

As for communication, you tell your in-laws you will be communicating with EX directly. That's it. That's the adult thing to do.

I’m the pp who grew up in a similar situation to op’s son. I think a lot of people think this type of thing will be more helpful than it is. In many ways it’s more hurtful to received confusing and mixed messsges from people trying to cover for an absentee parent (mom says dad loves me and is looking forward to seeing me yet dad keeps forgetting to call/looks bored when we talk and he forgot I play goalie) than processing/grieving the actual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Also seen it happen that a Mom can make a Dad miserable over the smallest, most trivial interaction, to the extent that he stops communicating at all with the Mom, for his own peace. Not saying that is the case here, but it can happen.

[Anonymous]

As a child of divorce whose parents were BOTH too selfish and immature to communicate appropriately, I am begging you not to cut off the in laws. I had almost no relationship with my dad's side of the family after the divorce, and once my grandmother, and two years later my dad died, I had no relationship with aunts/uncles/cousins at all. None. Any relationship had to be initiated by me--a CHILD--and it was stupid and unfair. The kids lose. Go ahead an slow the communication with the ex, that's on him, but don't cut off the inlaws. They're were helping you out and it's not their fault you married a loser and procreated with him. For the sake of your kid, keep that going. Foster a relationship even thought it's hard, better yet if you invite the grandparents over for dinner or a holiday once in a while. If you cut them off, your kid will resent you. Guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is more to the story and we don't know it. We are only getting your side.

You said this started earlier this year when you asked for child support modifications. What was the situation prior to that? Your implication is his inattention to his child is because of money. I am not buying that.

"why the heck am I putting forth all of this effort for an immature man-child who can't even have a civil conversation/text/email exchange solely regarding our child?"

Part of the communication equation is YOU. If your conversations with him are not civil, then you need to own up to your part in it. And as a reminder, the effort isn't for YOU ... it's for your child.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the child's relationship with the other parent. Your son needs to have his father as a presence in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is more to the story and we don't know it. We are only getting your side.

You said this started earlier this year when you asked for child support modifications. What was the situation prior to that? Your implication is his inattention to his child is because of money. I am not buying that.

"why the heck am I putting forth all of this effort for an immature man-child who can't even have a civil conversation/text/email exchange solely regarding our child?"

Part of the communication equation is YOU. If your conversations with him are not civil, then you need to own up to your part in it. And as a reminder, the effort isn't for YOU ... it's for your child.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the child's relationship with the other parent. Your son needs to have his father as a presence in his life.

It sounds like the father doesn't want to be a presence in his child's life. I agree with a PP that OP can foster fatherly type relationships elsewhere given the bio father's disinclination to be present or involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also seen it happen that a Mom can make a Dad miserable over the smallest, most trivial interaction, to the extent that he stops communicating at all with the Mom, for his own peace. Not saying that is the case here, but it can happen.

DP. How interesting that the advice to the mom is "bend over backwards and do whatever is necessary to prop up your child's relationship with his/her father even when the father acts indifferent to the kid and rude to you," while the message re dads is "if you don't like how your ex talks to you, it's normal to cut off contact with your kid."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also seen it happen that a Mom can make a Dad miserable over the smallest, most trivial interaction, to the extent that he stops communicating at all with the Mom, for his own peace. Not saying that is the case here, but it can happen.

DP. How interesting that the advice to the mom is "bend over backwards and do whatever is necessary to prop up your child's relationship with his/her father even when the father acts indifferent to the kid and rude to you," while the message re dads is "if you don't like how your ex talks to you, it's normal to cut off contact with your kid."

Not saying this is the case for OP, but here's the situation I witnessed. DH did not cut off communication with his child's mother, but did stop taking phone calls and texts. Email only. Emails were pared down to the simplest statements. Even so, drama abounded, and I could see his ex pretending to have the same complaints as this OP, and getting support for it.

Actual example, DH sends email that says plainly, "The school pics you sent were bent in the mail. Can you please send me the ordering info so I can order new ones myself?" Response was several paragraphs long about how she went out of her way to send pics to him and his parents, and now she is accused of bending them, and how dare he, after everything she does, complain about this, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also seen it happen that a Mom can make a Dad miserable over the smallest, most trivial interaction, to the extent that he stops communicating at all with the Mom, for his own peace. Not saying that is the case here, but it can happen.

DP. How interesting that the advice to the mom is "bend over backwards and do whatever is necessary to prop up your child's relationship with his/her father even when the father acts indifferent to the kid and rude to you," while the message re dads is "if you don't like how your ex talks to you, it's normal to cut off contact with your kid."

Where does it say the father wants to cut off contact with the kid? You are assuming too much here especially since we are only hearing one side of the story. It is quite possible that OP has her own share of the blame here and needs to be honest about her role, too.

Is it possible the father is reluctant to communicate because every time he does, OP gets defensive? Hostile? Accusatory? Is it possible father is afraid of "rocking the boat" and thus keeps communication to a minimum? The fact he is trying to use alternate means (other family members) shows he is still engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also seen it happen that a Mom can make a Dad miserable over the smallest, most trivial interaction, to the extent that he stops communicating at all with the Mom, for his own peace. Not saying that is the case here, but it can happen.

DP. How interesting that the advice to the mom is "bend over backwards and do whatever is necessary to prop up your child's relationship with his/her father even when the father acts indifferent to the kid and rude to you," while the message re dads is "if you don't like how your ex talks to you, it's normal to cut off contact with your kid."

Not saying this is the case for OP, but here's the situation I witnessed. DH did not cut off communication with his child's mother, but did stop taking phone calls and texts. Email only. Emails were pared down to the simplest statements. Even so, drama abounded, and I could see his ex pretending to have the same complaints as this OP, and getting support for it.

Actual example, DH sends email that says plainly, "The school pics you sent were bent in the mail. Can you please send me the ordering info so I can order new ones myself?" Response was several paragraphs long about how she went out of her way to send pics to him and his parents, and now she is accused of bending them, and how dare he, after everything she does, complain about this, etc.

Oh, and I wanted to add: so then DH is like, I can write back and say "Thanks for sending pics. Can I have the ordering info?" OR I can just call the school and find out the name of the photo company and call them, circumventing the mom altogether, which is what he ended up doing, because that's less drama. And I have about a bazillion more examples like this where dealing with the mom just wasn't worth the trouble. But on her end, she's like "I send pics and I get no appreciation! He can't even communicate with me like an adult!" LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is more to the story and we don't know it. We are only getting your side.

You said this started earlier this year when you asked for child support modifications. What was the situation prior to that? Your implication is his inattention to his child is because of money. I am not buying that.

"why the heck am I putting forth all of this effort for an immature man-child who can't even have a civil conversation/text/email exchange solely regarding our child?"

Part of the communication equation is YOU. If your conversations with him are not civil, then you need to own up to your part in it. And as a reminder, the effort isn't for YOU ... it's for your child.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the child's relationship with the other parent. Your son needs to have his father as a presence in his life.

It sounds like the father doesn't want to be a presence in his child's life. I agree with a PP that OP can foster fatherly type relationships elsewhere given the bio father's disinclination to be present or involved.

Wrong. He is just using his family to be the go-between as he and OP cannot communicate in a civil manner. That does not mean he "doesn't want to be a presence in his child's life." On the contrary.

It is a fact that OP is willing to hurt her son's relationship with his father as she's stated that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also seen it happen that a Mom can make a Dad miserable over the smallest, most trivial interaction, to the extent that he stops communicating at all with the Mom, for his own peace. Not saying that is the case here, but it can happen.

DP. How interesting that the advice to the mom is "bend over backwards and do whatever is necessary to prop up your child's relationship with his/her father even when the father acts indifferent to the kid and rude to you," while the message re dads is "if you don't like how your ex talks to you, it's normal to cut off contact with your kid."

Not saying this is the case for OP, but here's the situation I witnessed. DH did not cut off communication with his child's mother, but did stop taking phone calls and texts. Email only. Emails were pared down to the simplest statements. Even so, drama abounded, and I could see his ex pretending to have the same complaints as this OP, and getting support for it.

Actual example, DH sends email that says plainly, "The school pics you sent were bent in the mail. Can you please send me the ordering info so I can order new ones myself?" Response was several paragraphs long about how she went out of her way to send pics to him and his parents, and now she is accused of bending them, and how dare he, after everything she does, complain about this, etc.

Sorry, but he’s being obnoxious. If he doesn’t like the pictures, he is perfectly capable of calling the school and getting the ordering information himself. Mom did her part, if he’s unhappy with how then he needs to be a big boy and do it himself. She’s not his wife anymore.

[Anonymous]

"I know that DC's relationship with him will suffer ..."

OP, you better think long and hard about this. You are knowingly admitting your son will SUFFER because you don't like the way your ex communicates/doesn't communicate with you.

Your son's relationship with his father (no matter how flawed you may think it is) is fundamental to his healthy development. Why do you want to damage your son that way?