Can outsiders ever tell if a marriage is over?

[Anonymous]

The pandemic has been tough on marriages. I don't think my DH or I would complain like that to friends when the other one wasn't around (we might complain, but in a lighter, more general way, not a full indictment), but we have some rough days and our friends definitely see it at times.

We know we're in a kind of crappy place right now and working on it, and have zero plans to split up. Neither of us want that. It's just been a really terrible couple years and it's taken a toll on our marriage. It is what it is. In good times and in bad and all that. Hello, 18 months of struggling with childcare, being together all the time, having little to know ability to rely on family or even the occasional babysitter, the general stress of both Covid and lots of social upheaval, mental health issues abound with the mental health services strained to the max, etc. This is one of the bad times for a lot of us. If this makes you throw in the towel, then it could have been anything, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years we visited old friends and it was very much like you experienced but it was the wife who was complaining. They are still married so you never really know.

This. All it means is you heard complaining. Does it mean the marriage is over or they're in a bad place? Maybe. Is there a certain type of couple who stays married 50 years and complains about each other all the time? Yes.

Women who complain too often are cheating. You’ve been warned.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any scientific basis for this but I tend to believe that if they are complaining, they recognize there is a problem. That is better than being oblivious and one person festering in resentment.

[Anonymous]

We have a couple friend and she tells me: He is verbally abusive, a narcissist, gets too drunk/embarrassing, possibly cheating. I have told her for years to leave!

And he tells DH: She is constantly drunk, miserable, spends too much money

They are actually fun, but this shit is hard to deal with. I would say it should be over, yet it is not!

[Anonymous]

Don't think anyone could tell my marriage was over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't think anyone could tell my marriage was over.

+1

I almost think it's the opposite - those who know deep down their marriages are over are fighting like hell to pretend it's not. Those who are secure with their partners don't mind letting the cracks show a little to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic has been tough on marriages. I don't think my DH or I would complain like that to friends when the other one wasn't around (we might complain, but in a lighter, more general way, not a full indictment), but we have some rough days and our friends definitely see it at times.

We know we're in a kind of crappy place right now and working on it, and have zero plans to split up. Neither of us want that. It's just been a really terrible couple years and it's taken a toll on our marriage. It is what it is. In good times and in bad and all that. Hello, 18 months of struggling with childcare, being together all the time, having little to know ability to rely on family or even the occasional babysitter, the general stress of both Covid and lots of social upheaval, mental health issues abound with the mental health services strained to the max, etc. This is one of the bad times for a lot of us. If this makes you throw in the towel, then it could have been anything, honestly.

Agree with all this. The pressure cooker of the pandemic is a terrible time to judge relationships. I will bet when this is over the ones who come out strong aren’t the ones you will expect and vice versa. This just isn’t a typical situation.

[Anonymous]

When their social media has glowing and overly flowery tones it's usually a pretty bad marriage. Nine times out of ten I've been right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a couple friend and she tells me: He is verbally abusive, a narcissist, gets too drunk/embarrassing, possibly cheating. I have told her for years to leave!

And he tells DH: She is constantly drunk, miserable, spends too much money

They are actually fun, but this shit is hard to deal with. I would say it should be over, yet it is not!

That seems pretty consistent that being with a verbally abusive drunk narc would make you miserable. And self medicate with alcohol. And do shopping therapy. Guy sounds like a real dck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic has been tough on marriages. I don't think my DH or I would complain like that to friends when the other one wasn't around (we might complain, but in a lighter, more general way, not a full indictment), but we have some rough days and our friends definitely see it at times.

We know we're in a kind of crappy place right now and working on it, and have zero plans to split up. Neither of us want that. It's just been a really terrible couple years and it's taken a toll on our marriage. It is what it is. In good times and in bad and all that. Hello, 18 months of struggling with childcare, being together all the time, having little to know ability to rely on family or even the occasional babysitter, the general stress of both Covid and lots of social upheaval, mental health issues abound with the mental health services strained to the max, etc. This is one of the bad times for a lot of us. If this makes you throw in the towel, then it could have been anything, honestly.

Agree with all this. The pressure cooker of the pandemic is a terrible time to judge relationships. I will bet when this is over the ones who come out strong aren’t the ones you will expect and vice versa. This just isn’t a typical situation.

I am the PP and I hope this is true. I can't imagine life without my DH. I can't imagine not getting to parent with him as my partner. Like it's painful to think about. But also things suck a lot right now and I feel like we are both just constantly low level annoyed with each other. And zero sex, by the way. We've discovered it's really hard to maintain a sex life with someone you are around 24/7, and also hard to do when you constantly either working or with your kids because you are tired all the time and mostly you just want to sleep for days and days, not add another activity into the schedule. It sucks.

But we both feel this way, we talk about it, and we are working on it, and I really hope the work we are doing now pays dividends when the pressure cooker (hopefully) ends, with more intimacy and relationships skills. This last couple years has really made me think about how there are seasons to life, and I am hoping after this long dark winter we can sow something green in the soil and watch it flower.