Can outsiders ever tell if a marriage is over?

[Anonymous]

We spent a weekend with friends. These two are normally the “Honey, do you need more wine?” “Darling, relax, let me dry the dishes” type. Always finding little ways to sneak a hug or touch. But this visit things were so different.

I caught her more than once rolling her eyes at him when she asked him to tend to a task. He would roll his eyes and complain about being “summoned” before getting up from his chair.

When he was alone with my husband and me (she retired early) he complained about how she doesn’t pull her weight anymore around the house, sleeps too much, and how their marriage is in a sexual drought.

DH and I left our visit astounded. I think I won’t be surprised to hear if they decide to divorce, but DH doesn’t think so.

Are there signs? Are these them?

Feeling sad for our friends.

[Anonymous]

Yes, there are signs, but this may or may not be them. Don't know how long you have been married, but marriages hit a rough spot sometimes. Some recover, some don't.

[Anonymous]

You’re seeing them but it’s hard to know if it’s a brief bump in the road or something long term. A sexual drought indicates it could be a long term problem. Don’t try to get involved beyond listening because it could create tension between you and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Marriages go through ebbs and flows. You don’t know what’s caused this one, and you don’t know how permanent it may be. I’m sure my friends thought DH and I were down for a few months ago. We’ve both since started individual and couples counseling and are doing great. What happened? His best friend killed himself and I lost my best friend and sister in the span of 3 weeks. We retreated into our own survival operations and became at odds with one another. Typically, one of us goes through something at a time, so this required a whole new way to communicate and interact. We probably better off now than we were before any of this happened.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, so uncomfortable. Husband complaining about his wife to mutual friends while she’s in the next room? If I were you I would have “retired early!”

[Anonymous]

A few years we visited old friends and it was very much like you experienced but it was the wife who was complaining. They are still married so you never really know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years we visited old friends and it was very much like you experienced but it was the wife who was complaining. They are still married so you never really know.

This. All it means is you heard complaining. Does it mean the marriage is over or they're in a bad place? Maybe. Is there a certain type of couple who stays married 50 years and complains about each other all the time? Yes.

[Anonymous]

You never really know. The honey dear stuff you mention can be fake too.
Also this last 18 months has been rough on relationships, being with someone 24/7 gets on your nerves after a bit.

[Anonymous]

Over and divorced are different things. Yeah, at least based on your description, their once-gooey marriage seems to be "over." Whether they get divorced is anyone's guess. They may just reincarnate or evolve the marriage as a less-loving one, for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Unilaterally disclosing problems to third parties is a pretty good sign a marriage is in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Some marriages seem perfect and suddenly fall apart. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

Can prob tell when the relationship is over, but you won't eer know the marriage is over until someone files for the separation or divorce.

In OP's example it sounds like something happened. The marriages I know on the rocks have real underlying issues that wont get resolved (disorders, abuse, etc.) together or divorced & coparenting.

This retiree couple where the wife is burned out and the husband is all wanting someone to play with and cater to him in retirement.... hmmm.

[Anonymous]

No, you can't tell. My parents marriage was over 30 years before it actually ended. You don't know who will stay together. Look at the Clintons vs Gores.

[Anonymous]

No. You can't tell. Some people stay miserable forever and some divorce. You won't know until they actually divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there are signs, but this may or may not be them. Don't know how long you have been married, but marriages hit a rough spot sometimes. Some recover, some don't.

Agreed. And rough spots can last years unfortunately. But things can get better. Doesn't mean they will stick it out that long though...