Unreadable/Odd Behavior from Friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh you should have responded “hi you sent this is me by accident”

this. If she does it again type back “ did you mean to send that to me”?

[Anonymous]

If they have been actively friends for seven years, they have a great solid friendship. I am not sure what more is needed to change there.

Nothing you described indicates that the other mom wants to limit the friendship with your daughter. It sounds like there are simply other friendships, too. For some reason she likes sharing them with you on occasion. I will say that there are some people I’m more comfortable having over than others because of my personal insecurities.

[Anonymous]

My kid is younger (9) but I have a similar dynamic as far as the kids. They made friends in K and I have her kid over a lot. We’ve taken her on weekend trips with us, taken her on activities, I’m actually taking them both out today from around 930-230. The Mom literally never invites my kid anywhere. I think it’s just thoughtless and selfish. Our kids are actually in different schools now because we went private for 4th because mcps is such a shit show right now. And the other kid was crying and upset she was losing her friend. But I’m still the only one making the effort for the girls to get together.

[Anonymous]

She's likely an over shared. I know people like that. Nothing to get bent out of shape about.

[Anonymous]

Maybe since her daughter is ALWAYS with your family, they use the time when she’s not to see her other friends. It sounds like they’re together a lot.

[Anonymous]

I would check with DD to see whether the imbalance bothers her. If she is not bothered by lack of reciprocity, and feels valued and supported by this friend in other ways, then I would let it drop.

However, if your DD feels devalued, excluded or disrespected in the long haul bestie relationship, then I would try and talk to the friend’s mother. Maybe ask to meet up somewhere neutral - outside coffee shop or whatever, and start with open ended questions … “our daughters have been besties for a very long time. Do you see mutual growth in their friendship?” The. Gradually moving into more pointed territory “I hope that this does not offend you in any way, and that you can appreciate I am coming from a place of genuine concern. My DD really values your DDs friendship. I doubt you are consciously aware of it, but sometimes my DD feels the relationship is rather unequal. For example, we host your daughter frequently, while you rarely invite her anywhere. Is there a back ground reason for that? I really want my DD to be a good friend but also to be treated well in her closest friendships. Please help me to understand this perceived inequality from your perspective.”

Best wishes. Long friendships are worth more than gold - but only if they serve each other well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her DD likes your DD, but she (the mom) doesn’t like you. And that’s ok. You don’t have to befriend the parents of your kids’ friends. This isn’t daycare.

No. It’s the opposite of this. The mom sees you as her friend, not just as the parent of her daughter’s friend. She’s sending you pics of what’s going on with her/her daughter because that’s what’s going on with her or they are cute pics, without really connecting it to the fact that your daughter wasn’t invited. She’s sending you the same pics she would send any friend, even a friend who was not the parent of her daughter’s friend. I’d ignore the pictures. Do you/your daughter want her to be invited more? If so, I’d address that and leave the pics alone. They aren’t important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a sensitivity issue - as in she lacks it.

I have a similar friend- kind of clueless. Love her, but she doesn't know how to read the room, recognize underlying dynamics, etc.
I'd ignore the pics and let the girls drive the friendship. As far as your friendship, if she has more redeeming qualities and this is her one quirk, let it slide.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought....
Cut her a bit of slack? I feel so socially awkward these days with covid. I actually feel it so acutely that I tell people I first meet that I don't know protocol anymore so forgive my awkwardness. Normally people laugh and they do understand. Maybe she feels this too but doesn't have the awareness to name it? For now l, just ignore it and treat everyone the same. We all have our quirks (you included).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thank you all for chiming in.

I agree lots of different opinions here and it's hard to take a guess at where she's coming from.

The only one I disagree with is that she's a user. She's not really like that and I don't feel that way.

She may not like me, although she is always eager to talk, responds immediately for texts, wants to meet for coffee, etc.

I am torn between over sharer/wanting to make me jealous. I don't find her malicious but she is also savvy enough to know that it's weird to send a picture of her daughter and another friend together, and that it certainly would make my daughter feel left out. I don't ever share it with my daughter bc, why? and my daughter knows that they both do things with others, it just seems unnecessary.

However, I have had the thought that when I see her next that I ask her about it. Something like, "Is there a reason that you would prefer that the girls not spend as much time together?" I know that I won't, its just more of a thought in my mind. It does hurt my feelings, I will admit, that in 7 years, my daughter has been invited by her over to her home or whatnot, probably about 3-4 times, yet she will casually reference having other girls over.

The girls now largely plan things on their own. Maybe I'll just take a little bit of a step-back from my end of the friendship.

You have the right idea here. Who knows what is going on in the other mom's head. It is probably nothing mean toward you though. I would not confront her about anything or why she hasn't had your daughter over much...just leave it alone. Let the girls do their thing.

[Anonymous]

Op PLEASE do not raise it as an issue. Please. You will come across as needy/unreasonable/ insane as clearly for whatever reason in her world what she’s doing is normal

It is more likely she is over invested in her own kid and thinks you have equal investment in her regardless of your own child and her participation or not in these photographed events. She is including you by sending them - in her mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought....
Cut her a bit of slack? I feel so socially awkward these days with covid. I actually feel it so acutely that I tell people I first meet that I don't know protocol anymore so forgive my awkwardness. Normally people laugh and they do understand. Maybe she feels this too but doesn't have the awareness to name it? For now l, just ignore it and treat everyone the same. We all have our quirks (you included).

Dp.. there's a wide berth between feeling socially awkward these days and sending pictures of events the other person wasn't invited to.

Op- next time she does this I would respond "that looks fun! Sad dd wasn't invited " and see what she says

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought....
Cut her a bit of slack? I feel so socially awkward these days with covid. I actually feel it so acutely that I tell people I first meet that I don't know protocol anymore so forgive my awkwardness. Normally people laugh and they do understand. Maybe she feels this too but doesn't have the awareness to name it? For now l, just ignore it and treat everyone the same. We all have our quirks (you included).

Dp.. there's a wide berth between feeling socially awkward these days and sending pictures of events the other person wasn't invited to.

Op- next time she does this I would respond "that looks fun! Sad dd wasn't invited " and see what she says

That sounds crazy and manipulative. Please don’t do this OP. No one likes a whiner or someone fishing for invites. Just leave it. Your DD doesn’t know or care she wasn’t invited so why make an issue out of nothing?

[Anonymous]

Don’t raise it with her. Ignore pictures like that and assume, or act like you assume, that she sent it to you by accident. If your DD is enjoying the friendship, just know that this is one of those friendships where the invites are lopsided. It’s possible the mom knows her DD will see your DD plenty but has to work a little harder to make sure her DD sees other friends, and therefore does the inviting with those? In any event, at 7th grade the girls can drive the bus here and you can take a bit of a step back. That mom seems odd but it doesn’t have to be your problem. Just let your daughter enjoy her friendship with the other girl, and continue to have your home be a nurturing environment for their friendship.

[Anonymous]

Could th daughter be the reason she doesn’t invite yours? We live a perfectly fine middle class life but my kid goes to school with wealthier kids and I think has become embarrassed at our decent but not fancy house and our decent but not new or fancy cars. He doesn’t want to invite anyone from school over anymore, although I invite my friends who have kids he plays with over. It could look like I’m deliberately not inviting certain kids over but it’s at his behest (hopefully our conversations will eventually get him to understand that he is focusing on the wrong things and his friends won’t care, or if they do, they don’t need to be friends).