Why are so many women here so angry with / resentful toward women who stay home?

[Anonymous]

Have any of you heard of a third wave feminist? Well, I consider myself a fourth wave feminist. I do what I want, how I want to do it. I am equal in mental capacity to any equivalently educated male and physically dominate over a good percentage of them. If I want to work, I work. If I want to stay home and eat meat that my man makes me, I do that. I will either homeschool my kids with organic handmade toys or ship them off to Phillips Andover at 13. I don't follow the rule of some woman who spent 20 years earning the approval of her teachers and now can't function outside of an accomplishment based system. I am going to take my masters degree and troll Harris teeter in lululemon all f-ing day. My life. My choice. Period.

[Anonymous]

It's been my observation that most of not all, of the former high charging moms who take a break to be a sah go back to work, at least part time, even if they don"t need the money. The ones who don"t ever go back generally are the stereotypically trophy wife moms who went to a party school college.

I personally went back to work, even though my Dh is high earner, because I thought having a working mom was an important role model for my son and daughter, a belief my Dh shares. For what it is worth, we both had moms that also stayed at home and worked at various points in our childhoods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

Many, many, many inaccurate assumptions here.

Except is 100% correct.

Not at all actually. At least, I don't fit any of those, and I don't know anyone who does. So maybe you live somewhere else.

+1

May be fictional SAHMs in PP's mind.

Pp here. Like I said, my disdain for them partly stems from jealousy because of their careless plush lives. But mostly because these women are smart, educated and had good careers before they quit to be tiger moms. I think it's a shame that we as a society can't benefit from their intellect and potential contributions.

The average less accomplished SAHMs are probably doing the best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have not met many people IRL who are angry or resentful about me being a SAHM. It is only on the DCUM, and frankly who cares?

I am a SAHM with my own money, school going high achieving kids, high earner DH, great marriage and lots of help at home. I have been able to outsource most household chores and I spend my time on volunteering on causes I believe in.

Obviously, I am very lucky. I have no regrets about my life and would not want to change a thing. People who are unhappy about my situation are actually those who are unhappy about their own situation. I get that!

And you always are on DcUM posting these facts about yourself, I mean every single SAH thread on DcUM I've opened and I hardly read all of them, almost as if you had something to prove.

Well Sister, you and I, both are addicted to the SAHM-WOHM wars on DCUM, it seems?

I do it because I have time to kill on my hand. You do it because you are a bad employee at work!

[Anonymous]

How is choosing a job over caring for your child "setting a good example?" The message that sends to your kid is that you care more about your job than them. No 0-6 year old cares what you do for a living, they care if you take care of them. That message may hold true for older children, but not to a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

Many, many, many inaccurate assumptions here.

Except is 100% correct.

Not at all actually. At least, I don't fit any of those, and I don't know anyone who does. So maybe you live somewhere else.

+1

May be fictional SAHMs in PP's mind.

Pp here. Like I said, my disdain for them partly stems from jealousy because of their careless plush lives. But mostly because these women are smart, educated and had good careers before they quit to be tiger moms. I think it's a shame that we as a society can't benefit from their intellect and potential contributions.

The average less accomplished SAHMs are probably doing the best they can.

Ehh. I fit your description except that I am not from a rich family and had merit scholarships all through school. I made $375k when I quit. My husband was a higher earner and we couldn't sustain both careers in a way that allowed our children enough time with us. He had no interest in quitting and I was more open to it. I admit that I have a pretty cushy life. But I do think that I contribute even though I don't work. I volunteer a lot at my children's schools and often cover for the parents who flake out. I am doing my best to raise my children with the values that we think are important. And one of those is that family is very important. Having 2 parents out of the house for 60 hours a week wasn't cutting it for living up to that value. I think it is great that parents with dual careers are able to handle what they do. If you have any choice, you are in a privileged subset and should be grateful. Many people get up every day and don't have the choices that you or I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been my observation that most of not all, of the former high charging moms who take a break to be a sah go back to work, at least part time, even if they don"t need the money. The ones who don"t ever go back generally are the stereotypically trophy wife moms who went to a party school college.

I personally went back to work, even though my Dh is high earner, because I thought having a working mom was an important role model for my son and daughter, a belief my Dh shares. For what it is worth, we both had moms that also stayed at home and worked at various points in our childhoods.

Lolz. No. Your DH is not really a high earner...but whatever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

This last paragraph is 100% how I feel.

Both of you are simpletons then. You *really* can't understand that a woman might agree with and respect Hilary's politics and yet not want to live out her choices on a day to day basis? Talk about scoffing in disbelief. Wow.

Of course you can't see it or you deliberately choose not to. You can't admit that it's ironic for a woman who does nothing professionally - and based on this thread devalues women who do - to go on and on about how amazing it is for a woman to be considered for the most respected professional position in the country?

My favorite is the stay at home moms who push and push their daughters academically (because they have nothing left to do… Live vicariously since life basically ends for them when they push the baby out) yet do nothing using their own academic background, and set no personal professional example. Then they wonder why their daughters dont excel - and end up encouraging "the man is the plan" - and the cycle begins again. 1950s here we come!

OMG. You are a twit. I did not vote for HRC because she has a vagina. Did you really? Because your assumption that other people did is more revealing of your own beliefs in this regard, not mine. I voted for her because I support the kinds of policies she supports and because the alternative wad the kind of bumbling idiot who will get us into war. It had NOTHING to do with the fact that she would have been the first female president. You sound like a f***ing seventh grader. Did you vote for Obama because he was the first black president too? How simple are you?

Don't be disingenuous. Plenty of people voted for each candidate you name for exactly those reasons and have not been shy about exhorting others to do so, and congratulate themselves for having done so.

Well they're idiots then, clearly. It's the same as voting for GW Bush because you'd like to have a beer with him. It's stupid. No woman I respect pushed others to vote for Hillary because she was the only one in the race with a vagina. You vote for the person who you think will do the best job (and in this case, HRC was the clear winner for anyone with half a brain).

No one was disparaging or questioning your choice to vote for HRC based on her policies. The question was simple - how can you encourage your children to reflect on Hillary's accomplishments and be successful in their own aspirations in their careers and society contributions, when that wasn't a priority in your own life?

I feel bad for your kids. The idea that your value in the world comes from what your career is just about the last lesson I want to impart on my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

This last paragraph is 100% how I feel.

Both of you are simpletons then. You *really* can't understand that a woman might agree with and respect Hilary's politics and yet not want to live out her choices on a day to day basis? Talk about scoffing in disbelief. Wow.

Of course you can't see it or you deliberately choose not to. You can't admit that it's ironic for a woman who does nothing professionally - and based on this thread devalues women who do - to go on and on about how amazing it is for a woman to be considered for the most respected professional position in the country?

My favorite is the stay at home moms who push and push their daughters academically (because they have nothing left to do… Live vicariously since life basically ends for them when they push the baby out) yet do nothing using their own academic background, and set no personal professional example. Then they wonder why their daughters dont excel - and end up encouraging "the man is the plan" - and the cycle begins again. 1950s here we come!

OMG. You are a twit. I did not vote for HRC because she has a vagina. Did you really? Because your assumption that other people did is more revealing of your own beliefs in this regard, not mine. I voted for her because I support the kinds of policies she supports and because the alternative wad the kind of bumbling idiot who will get us into war. It had NOTHING to do with the fact that she would have been the first female president. You sound like a f***ing seventh grader. Did you vote for Obama because he was the first black president too? How simple are you?

Don't be disingenuous. Plenty of people voted for each candidate you name for exactly those reasons and have not been shy about exhorting others to do so, and congratulate themselves for having done so.

Well they're idiots then, clearly. It's the same as voting for GW Bush because you'd like to have a beer with him. It's stupid. No woman I respect pushed others to vote for Hillary because she was the only one in the race with a vagina. You vote for the person who you think will do the best job (and in this case, HRC was the clear winner for anyone with half a brain).

No one was disparaging or questioning your choice to vote for HRC based on her policies. The question was simple - how can you encourage your children to reflect on Hillary's accomplishments and be successful in their own aspirations in their careers and society contributions, when that wasn't a priority in your own life?

I feel bad for your kids. The idea that your value in the world comes from what your career is just about the last lesson I want to impart on my children.

You make no sense. Try to use your atrophied brain.
PS- HRC doesn't respect you. Remember "I could've stayed home and baked cookies?"..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you my thoughts.

a. If I see a rich SAHM with her Lululemons and Barre classes, driving around in her BMW I get annoyed because of jealousy. She must have married well enough to have to not worry about earning a living and enjoying a plush life. Must be nice.

b. Mostly what is disturbing to me is usually these SAHM types are very well educated and come from well off families to begin with. They grew up supporting women's rights and access to equal opportunities. They also tend to be tiger moms and fight to get their daighters into the best private schools and colleges and discuss plans to have their daughters become scientists and diplomats...

They themselves could have had fantastic careers. It just seems hypocritical, lazy and...fake.

c. The middle class SAHMs do not bother me. They were probably not very ambitious or well educated to begin with.

Many, many, many inaccurate assumptions here.

Except is 100% correct.

Not at all actually. At least, I don't fit any of those, and I don't know anyone who does. So maybe you live somewhere else.

+1

May be fictional SAHMs in PP's mind.

Pp here. Like I said, my disdain for them partly stems from jealousy because of their careless plush lives. But mostly because these women are smart, educated and had good careers before they quit to be tiger moms. I think it's a shame that we as a society can't benefit from their intellect and potential contributions.

The average less accomplished SAHMs are probably doing the best they can.

Well, you missed the mark again. They aren't all tiger moms. And society is benefitting from many of their intellects and contributions; they are just choosing not to get paid for their contributions because in their household, one income is more than enough. There is a lot of important "work" in society that is happening without the exchange of currency.

There was a fascinating book in the late 80s that covered the mistake economists (the focus was on marxism) make by forgetting to include in their economic model the contributions of non-wage earners who have time and expertise to do the things the must be done but for which there is no budget. I'll try to fine my copy. A simple exercise is to image all the SAHPs in the US were to disappear tomorrow. What would be different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been my observation that most of not all, of the former high charging moms who take a break to be a sah go back to work, at least part time, even if they don"t need the money. The ones who don"t ever go back generally are the stereotypically trophy wife moms who went to a party school college.

I personally went back to work, even though my Dh is high earner, because I thought having a working mom was an important role model for my son and daughter, a belief my Dh shares. For what it is worth, we both had moms that also stayed at home and worked at various points in our childhoods.

Lolz. No. Your DH is not really a high earner...but whatever!

Try to find value in yourself not your husbands salary. #pathetic

[Anonymous]

Are you bitches still talking about this shit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you bitches still talking about this shit?

Best is the pathetic SAHMs defending Hillary, who openly mocks them. Have some pride! Guess that's not the SAHM credo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

This last paragraph is 100% how I feel.

Both of you are simpletons then. You *really* can't understand that a woman might agree with and respect Hilary's politics and yet not want to live out her choices on a day to day basis? Talk about scoffing in disbelief. Wow.

Of course you can't see it or you deliberately choose not to. You can't admit that it's ironic for a woman who does nothing professionally - and based on this thread devalues women who do - to go on and on about how amazing it is for a woman to be considered for the most respected professional position in the country?

My favorite is the stay at home moms who push and push their daughters academically (because they have nothing left to do… Live vicariously since life basically ends for them when they push the baby out) yet do nothing using their own academic background, and set no personal professional example. Then they wonder why their daughters dont excel - and end up encouraging "the man is the plan" - and the cycle begins again. 1950s here we come!

OMG. You are a twit. I did not vote for HRC because she has a vagina. Did you really? Because your assumption that other people did is more revealing of your own beliefs in this regard, not mine. I voted for her because I support the kinds of policies she supports and because the alternative wad the kind of bumbling idiot who will get us into war. It had NOTHING to do with the fact that she would have been the first female president. You sound like a f***ing seventh grader. Did you vote for Obama because he was the first black president too? How simple are you?

Don't be disingenuous. Plenty of people voted for each candidate you name for exactly those reasons and have not been shy about exhorting others to do so, and congratulate themselves for having done so.

Well they're idiots then, clearly. It's the same as voting for GW Bush because you'd like to have a beer with him. It's stupid. No woman I respect pushed others to vote for Hillary because she was the only one in the race with a vagina. You vote for the person who you think will do the best job (and in this case, HRC was the clear winner for anyone with half a brain).

No one was disparaging or questioning your choice to vote for HRC based on her policies. The question was simple - how can you encourage your children to reflect on Hillary's accomplishments and be successful in their own aspirations in their careers and society contributions, when that wasn't a priority in your own life?

I feel bad for your kids. The idea that your value in the world comes from what your career is just about the last lesson I want to impart on my children.

You make no sense. Try to use your atrophied brain.
PS- HRC doesn't respect you. Remember "I could've stayed home and baked cookies?"..

I'd rather my kid be a SAHM than a lawyer defending multi billion dollar corporations....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I haven't read all the responses but you really shouldn't worry about the messages that other people's kids absorb. You don't have to go to an office to make your children feel valued and capable of anything. I was raised by a SAHM; she was from a generation/income class where no girls went to college but she was also a very happy (and very great) homemaker. I grew up wanting to be an astronaut and never once doubted that I would work - not in protest against my mother's situation / choices, but precisely because she did not feel limited. I have a PhD and a great job, but I also have 2 kids and I aspire to be half the parent that my mother was in every way.