Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm really not trying to be my wife's boss or act like an A. When my wife wanted to stay home, I just assumed she would handle these responsibilities like so many of our SAHM family/friends do. I agree the biggest mistake was not discussing what this would look like and setting expectations to make this work more smoothly.

I do want to make this work more smoothly.

My wife is not lazy. I fell in love with her drive and ambition when we were dating. I do feel maybe being a SAHM is not for her, but that's not really my decision to make. I can't force her to work or make that decision for her.

We are supposed to be a team. I work very hard and long hours ( 50-60 hours a week) to provide for our family. I take pride in that. I just wish my wife helped out more equally. When she worked PT, she cooked and clean almost daily without as much help. Then she stopped once our second child came.

I don't mind that we have help in form of a nanny and a housecleaner. It helps us both. My wife is very involved and a loving mother. I just wish she were better at other aspects of it. I assumed once the baby was sleeping through the night and not breastfeeding that she would pick up more tasks around the house. This is on me for assuming it.

I'm not very good with conveying my emotions. I know that I need to address my feelings to my wife, but I haven't because I don't want to make her feel bad. Instead, I've let this resentment build. I know it's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

and yet … somehow it is your wife’s job to cook, clean and take care of a toddler and baby from 4-6 every night? gtfo.

OP here. Yes. It’s our responsibility as parents to feed and care for our children. Why is that such a foreign concept?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a WOHM, a SAHM, and something in the middle.

OP - I don't think you are crazy. Your wife is doing SAHM on easy mode, and still struggling, so I think the question you need to ask is why.

Is she depressed? Does she regret the second baby?

I disagree with the others that you are asking too much. Your kids sleep through the night consistently, and she's really only doing the parenting piece for half of a day on any day at all.

So the question is, given that this is actually pretty unusual, what else is going on?

+1.
parenting IS hard. if you are a stay at home parent you can perfectly reasonably conclude that parenting is so hard that you can do nothing else. except that a huge huge number of people DO do other things. it's not the tragedy olympics but you do need to recognize that it's possible.
better for you guys to talk and say look - would it be better for you to work part time and that money go to a housekeeper or a part time sitter than you be home all the time, overwhelmed.
when ds was 2, he was dx with some social emotional delays. every single professional told me look - the best thing for kids 2+ is socialization with professionals and other kids. It's way better to have him in a great part time (mine was in a 3h a day preschool) program than try to be his 'all' yourself. I think that's true of 'regular' kids also. I chose to go back to work ( i was lucky from home) specifically to afford him to NOT be with me all the time. it's not always best for kids to be with a parent constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

So you stayed home and did all the child care for two weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am man with a spouse who is a SAHM. Did you have conversations about what this would like, roles responsibilities, fall backs, how to handle or discuss how to approach if things weren’t going as planned or what would trigger those discussions?

I think people approach a spouse becoming a SAHM as an equal exchange of one career for another. That isn’t what it is at all. It is change in the relationship dynamics and how that will impact both of you moving forward. Those conversations need to be had and just like any relationship or significant change in a relationship, those boundaries and remedies need to be established beforehand. Both partners need to be open about what there non negotiables are, there has to be a baseline.

OP here. Honestly, no. We never talked about it. When we had our second, she told me she felt that she didn’t want to go back to work. She gave it more time and decided it was best to stay home when her maternity leave was almost over. I honestly just assumed she would handle everything since we have family members/friends with this same dynamic.

We kept our nanny on because she was with our first since he was 4 months old. She is incredible and felt we could use the help to make things easier on us with two kids and me working long hours. We have always had a housekeeper.

I definitely see that I need to talk with my wife about this. Touch base on how she’s feeling and relay my expectations and come to middle ground.

“Relaying your expectations” is a recipe for disaster. You are not your wife’s boss. This isn’t a performance review.

If your main needs are that you’re cooking too many meals and the house is messier than you like, you discuss with her how the two of you can make that happen. And if she can’t do it, that’s fine and you move to plan B’s: more take out, pre prepared meals or meal kit service, nanny does dinner prep, house keeper comes more often.

The thing is, reading through your other responses, she’s already suggested these things and it seems you’ve rejected them based on what you think she SHOULD be capable of based on your observations of what *other people* *seem* to be doing. And that is a marriage killer right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been a WOHM, a SAHM, and something in the middle.

OP - I don't think you are crazy. Your wife is doing SAHM on easy mode, and still struggling, so I think the question you need to ask is why.

Is she depressed? Does she regret the second baby?

I disagree with the others that you are asking too much. Your kids sleep through the night consistently, and she's really only doing the parenting piece for half of a day on any day at all.

So the question is, given that this is actually pretty unusual, what else is going on?

+1.
parenting IS hard. if you are a stay at home parent you can perfectly reasonably conclude that parenting is so hard that you can do nothing else. except that a huge huge number of people DO do other things. it's not the tragedy olympics but you do need to recognize that it's possible.
better for you guys to talk and say look - would it be better for you to work part time and that money go to a housekeeper or a part time sitter than you be home all the time, overwhelmed.
when ds was 2, he was dx with some social emotional delays. every single professional told me look - the best thing for kids 2+ is socialization with professionals and other kids. It's way better to have him in a great part time (mine was in a 3h a day preschool) program than try to be his 'all' yourself. I think that's true of 'regular' kids also. I chose to go back to work ( i was lucky from home) specifically to afford him to NOT be with me all the time. it's not always best for kids to be with a parent constantly.

But it sounds like OP's wife is a good, competent parent and the kids are doing well, so your specific issues and experience aren't relevant here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did she feel about her job before she decided to leave? Did she like it?

Staying at home is not the right choice for everyone. That's good! It's good that women who don't love it can choose to work outside the home, and that we no longer force women to stay home once they get married.

OP here. She loved her career and still does. She plans to resume work when our second is a little older and in daycare too.

She chose to stay at home for numerous reasons. Her job was a bit of a commute and she felt like she didn’t have much time with our first on the days she worked. She wanted to spend more time with our kids. She was passionate about breastfeeding and knew that she wouldn’t have enough time to pump and keep her supply up. She works with sick patients and felt that it was best not to be in that environment with a baby at home.

[Anonymous]

I think your wife needs to do more.
You need to chat with her. Ask her how she feels about being at home and whether she misses work. You need to have an honest but non-judgemental conversation with her and do it soon before the resentment builds up even more. Maybe try a series of mini conversations.

[Anonymous]

OP, think how you would feel if your wife said she thinks you should get a job making more money because her friends' husbands make more money.

I'm sure she could do more work, just like you could have gotten a job making more money. The answer in either case is to focus on the good fortune you have and what each are doing for the home and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

I had a housekeeper who prepared dinner for our family four days a week. She worked from 8am-noon and put dinner in the fridge when she left. We just put it in the oven to heat up before dinner.

I think you need to talk to your wife about firing the nanny and hiring someone who will do more cooking and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

ANd she is feeding and caring for them.
And check your tone.


and yet … somehow it is your wife’s job to cook, clean and take care of a toddler and baby from 4-6 every night? gtfo.

OP here. Yes. It’s our responsibility as parents to feed and care for our children. Why is that such a foreign concept?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and I appreciate this post for making me feel gratitude for my husband. We’re both deeply flawed, but we don’t police each other like this. He is not my manager, and I am not his.

I think the OP should maybe just get divorced. Then you can hire a nanny and a housekeeper and run your 50% custody how you want.

If you don’t want to make dinner, which you clearly deeply resent, stop! Obviously have a conversation about it. “I’m really tired of making dinner. It’s making me deeply resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my share. Can you do it for a while?”

She might say yes! Or she might say no, but it has to be better than just sitting there in your own toxicity all the time.

OP here. We are not getting divorced. I love my wife very much. We also do not believe in divorce as an option.

Our marriage is good. We do have these issues but it’s nothing we can’t work through. It’s a temporary issue while our kids are young and she’s at home.

I think I just need to talk to her about it. Reassess things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

OP here. I’ve done this. My wife has had to go out of town to deal with family issues, and I’ve taken over for twice. Once she was gone for two weeks and I managed just fine.

So you stayed home and did all the child care for two weeks?

without help from mommy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm really not trying to be my wife's boss or act like an A. When my wife wanted to stay home, I just assumed she would handle these responsibilities like so many of our SAHM family/friends do. I agree the biggest mistake was not discussing what this would look like and setting expectations to make this work more smoothly.

I do want to make this work more smoothly.

My wife is not lazy. I fell in love with her drive and ambition when we were dating. I do feel maybe being a SAHM is not for her, but that's not really my decision to make. I can't force her to work or make that decision for her.

We are supposed to be a team. I work very hard and long hours ( 50-60 hours a week) to provide for our family. I take pride in that. I just wish my wife helped out more equally. When she worked PT, she cooked and clean almost daily without as much help. Then she stopped once our second child came.

I don't mind that we have help in form of a nanny and a housecleaner. It helps us both. My wife is very involved and a loving mother. I just wish she were better at other aspects of it. I assumed once the baby was sleeping through the night and not breastfeeding that she would pick up more tasks around the house. This is on me for assuming it.

I'm not very good with conveying my emotions. I know that I need to address my feelings to my wife, but I haven't because I don't want to make her feel bad. Instead, I've let this resentment build. I know it's not healthy.

OP YOUR BABY IS SIX MONTHS OLD. You act like there’s some mystery about what happened. What happened is that she has an infant and toddler!!!